There is so much benefit in having friends of the opposite sex. Some of my best friends are guys but getting to this point isn’t always easy. With our increasingly sexualized culture and the prototype Hollywood created of a girl falling in love with her best friend has created an understanding among men that keeps them from being ‘just friends’ with the women in their lives. However, I am an optimist and believe that people can have healthy, mature friendships with people of the opposite sex; without sex. Here are a few steps I’ve found helpful in establishing strong, platonic friendships with men in my life.
1. Hang out with big groups of people
The best way to establish a true friendship with a guy that is attracted to you is to establish the context for your friendship. When you first start hanging out together, it shouldn’t ever be just the two of you because he’ll take that to mean that you are willing to go on dates with him. Establishing a group context for the beginning of your friendship reinforces that he will only see you when there is a big group of other people around to talk to. Also, make a point of talking other people in the group as much or more than you talk to him. It is important that this group is made up of people that he’s friends with as well so he’s not following you around all night. I always make a point of making sure his entire group of friends, whom I also know, are going out as well so I don’t have to worry about him paying too much attention to me. I still try to do this as much as possible even with some of my longer established friendships.
2. Send the ugly snaps
Make it clear that you are not trying to impress him. Whether it’s after the gym, when you first wake up or when your hair looks like a rat’s been living in it for six months, whatever, send the snap. He’ll notice that you’re not going out of your way to preserve the perfect image he has of you and break down some of the sexual energy he may have toward you…you’re still hot though, as always. You know you’re on the right track when his response is “Wow, mascara apparently not in the plan today, huh?”. This is an actual response I have received, but hey, at least it’s working.
3. Talk about other guys
This is probably the most important step in making it clear to a guy that your relationship is completely platonic. Confide in him, ask for advice and tell the sex stories you have with other men so he knows you want to have open communication between friends, and you are not hiding anything from him. When you start hiding the other relationships you have, he’ll either assume you don’t have anything going on or that you don’t want him to know about it because you have interest in him as well. This is not what you want. Showing him your other relationship prospects and how interested you are in other people will allow him to see that you don’t feel the same about him. When you really need to make it obvious, something I have tried is actually flirting with another guy when he’s around but this should be a last resort.
4. Get him dates with other girls
In the same way you talk about the other men you’re seeing, look for other women for him to date. If you were really interested in him, you wouldn’t try so hard to get him laid and he’ll realize that. Something I did while friend zoning one of my best guy friends is I made him a Bumble. I found him dates and showed him other options so he wouldn’t constantly focus on being with me. Also, if he finds another girl that interests him, he’ll move on from you making this whole process much easier
5. Talk about it
If after everything, he’s still not getting the picture and you’re put up with being discreet, just talk to him and explicitly say that nothing will ever happen between you and you value the friendship more. This is obviously the most mature option, but it does pose more of a risk in losing the relationship altogether. Tread lightly and keep his feelings in mind.
6. Be prepared for setbacks
He will look for any reason to think you’re interested in him. It could be the smallest thing like brushing up against him when you’re out that will set him back on the path of pursuing you even when you’ve made progress convincing him there was no hope otherwise. This is a long process but if the friendship is worth it, you can keep going and eventually he’ll get the picture…I hope.
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