In the seven years we spend as a teenager, we experience so many firsts and so many lasts – it’s hard not to believe that every positive moment will be the best day of your life and every negative moment will be the worst. As much as we like to think we have it all figured out when we’re in our teens, those years really are just filled with trial and error. That being said, I just turned 20 on Nov. 11. Happy belated birthday to me! To celebrate, I’ve decided to reflect on the past seven years and list some of the lessons I’ve learned that I can carry with me into this next decade of my life, that may help you as well.
1) Friendships don’t have to be so complicated
From kindergarten through the fourth grade, I attended a very small private elementary school. I took every class, ate every lunch and spent every recess with the same 15 kids for five consecutive years. Of those 15, five of us were girls, and although you might think that this would make us closer, it actually caused more harm than good. When we fought, there was no one else to run to. When people tried to form cliques, others were isolated. Because we spent so much time together in such a small group, we felt that we had to be best friends, because otherwise, we’d have no one.
I think those years really shaped the way I viewed friendship for almost the entirety of my teenage years. I went through phases when I was in big friend groups that always had a name like “Spectacular Seven” or “Excellent Eleven”, phases when I had a few best friends and none of us could ever hang out with anyone else, phases when I felt the need to have one defined best friend (I had to be someone’s “favorite”) and phases when I really had no close friends at all. For me, friendship was always complicated, cliquey and honestly really unhealthy.
Although this lesson took me years to learn, I vividly remember that when I was 13, a few girls in our huge group of friends decided to hang out without the rest of us, and for some reason, all hell broke loose. It shouldn’t have been a big deal whatsoever, but for at least the next year that followed, there was fighting and talking crap about each other and directed posts on social media. It was all so ridiculous.
Finally, by the end of high school, I got it all figured out. I realized that not every person I meet is going to be my “best friend forever.” Some people will be, but if they are going to be in my life for that long, I shouldn’t have to constantly worry that “someone better” is going to come along or that they “don’t like me anymore.”
I was allowed to have different friends in sports and different friends in school. I could have friends that I only talked to occasionally, but that didn’t have to mean we didn’t still like each other. People could fade from my life, no matter how long we had known each other, but that didn’t mean we had to hate each other. Along with that, people change, and sometimes friendships can be rekindled. For instance, I now have a tattoo with the same two girls who made me miserable in the fourth grade!
I can’t imagine my life without the people I’ve met in college. Even though I’ve only known them for a year, it’s the same idea: there are some people that I see every single day, others who I see every few weeks and some who I just run into on a random night out. Just because I see some of my friends more than others doesn’t mean they are the only friends I can have or the only people I like.
Friendships can be complicated, but most of the time, they really don’t have to be. Friendship is one of the most beautiful things in this life — why wouldn’t you want to welcome as much of it in as you can?
My siblings and I on our summer vacation to Universal Studios:
2) Growing up is extremely uncomfortable
Our teenage years are filled with new experiences, new people, “firsts” and changes. It is a terrifying time for everyone, but especially for those of us who were considered the “shy kid.”
When I think of the year I was 14, I think of my bedroom because I was too scared to leave it. I was just so anxious all of the time. I never went to my school’s football or basketball games because I would have to be social. I never hung out with my best friend at the time because she had made other friends and it was too hard for me to talk to new people. I dreaded every cross country team meal and sobbed before going to cross country camp because I wouldn’t be able to just show up and run — I had to talk to my team. When we went into lockdown for COVID, I remember being happy because I would actually have an excuse not to see anyone.
You can try to live that way for as long as possible, but if you want to accomplish anything in life, you have to confront your fears (as cheesy as that sounds). Having awkward or difficult conversations with peers, opening up to people with authority, straying from the pack to take risks and trying something for the first time are the only ways to move forward, and they’re going to make you uncomfortable.
I didn’t make these changes overnight. It started with things like adding one comment to a group conversation or making one joke with the stranger sitting next to me in class. Now, I find myself talking to strangers and people who aren’t just my closest friends all the time, and sometimes I have to stop myself from interrupting them. I didn’t throw myself into every social setting possible, but I did start by doing things like going to a basketball game (even though it was unbearably awkward) and attending a Her Campus club meeting even though I didn’t know anyone else joining (and it was the best decision ever)!
Now, I look at every new event or situation with this mindset: It might be uncomfortable and awkward, but it will eventually be over. Or, it might be uncomfortable and awkward, but it could also be easier and more fun than I thought it would. Growing up can be scary, but the more you embrace the hard stuff, the more naturally you will be able to handle those situations as life goes on.
Visiting my best friend in New Mexico:
3) I am capable of achieving my goals
15 was a defining age for me, because after two years of writing and editing, I finally published my novel, “The Waves Keep Crashing.” I came up with the idea for my book the summer before I started eighth grade. I was writing it for fun, but I stuck with it, and when I finished my first draft about a year later, my parents and teacher began to wonder if I would be able to make something out of it. We reached out to a published author and retired teacher from my hometown, Beth Huffman, and asked if she had any advice. To my delight, she offered to not only help me get my novel published, but also be my editor.
The process of publishing “The Waves Keep Crashing” instilled a new sense of meaning in my life. It was one thing to write the story — I always had a big imagination and writing was just something creative I did for fun — and another to bring it to fruition. Every Sunday night for the next year, Beth called me and we worked through her suggestions chapter by chapter. She made the whole process a learning experience for me, and I credit almost everything I know about writing, editing and publishing to her. After going through multiple final drafts, the manuscript was done, and Beth connected me with the now-CEO of Columbus Publishing Lab, Emily Hitchcock. I worked with Emily and her team to design the physical book — everything down to the font size — and finalize a plan for publishing.
On Sept. 30, 2020, my grandparents sent flowers to my history classroom with the news that I was officially a published author. It was the best feeling in the world to know that all of the hard work I’d put into “The Waves Keep Crashing” had paid off.
Up until I turned 15, I had always wanted to be a teacher (well, at first I wanted to be a marine biologist, but then I realized that you have to enjoy biology to pursue that career). But after publishing my novel, I realized that maybe writing didn’t have to just be a hobby. So, when I was admitted to OSU, I declared an English major with a specialization in Creative Writing.
In a world where we are told that we are wasting our time if we aren’t studying something in the STEM field, it can be discouraging to explain that I want to work in publishing. But, I just have to remind myself that I have proved myself time and time again. If I worked hard enough to publish a book by the time I was 15, I am capable of achieving anything I put my mind to.
The picture that was printed in local newspapers along with stories about my book:
4) I am allowed to change
When I was 13, 14 or 15, if you would’ve asked me, “Who is Ellie Keehn?” the first thing I would’ve said was that I was a runner.
I have been running 5k’s with my family for as long as I can remember (yes, we are a Turkey Trot family). When I started the seventh grade, it was a given that I would join the junior high cross country team. To this day, I still believe that was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I loved running, I made amazing friends and the cross country community was unlike any other. And, for the first time in my life, I was actually good at a sport.
For three years, cross country was my whole life. I did everything in my power to succeed, and it paid off. In junior high, I was always the top girl on the team and I was keeping up with most of the boys (which was the best part, in my opinion). When I got to high school, I was fourth on a team with some of the best runners that have gone through my school. By the end of my freshman year, I competed at state.
I always got nervous before races, but during my sophomore year of high school, it was different. Because my freshman year had gone so well, I felt a lot of pressure to continue improving and I got in over my head. As soon as one race ended, I felt relief until Monday, and then I would start freaking out again. I couldn’t sleep, my stomach hurt and it was the only thing I could think about. I was so nervous that I cried most Friday nights and sometimes even Saturday mornings. It was even known within my family not to talk to me on race days because I was so stressed that I would either snap at them or not respond. Suddenly, the sport that had once brought me so much joy was the bane of my existence.
When the season ended, I had to seriously consider whether or not I wanted to return to the sport as a junior. I was so unhappy, but I remember thinking, “If I’m not a runner, who am I?” I didn’t officially decide until the day before our summer running was supposed to start that I would quit cross country.
I was so relieved to have so much stress lifted from my shoulders, but I really did struggle with my identity. I felt like I failed my team, my coach, my family and myself. I wanted to continue running, but when I did, I always felt like I wasn’t running far enough or fast enough or consistently enough. I felt like a fraud.
But as time went on, I realized that just because I wasn’t a runner anymore didn’t mean it wasn’t still part of who I was. I was just growing up. Even though it took a few years, I have finally healed my relationship with running. I run when I want — usually when I need to let out some stress — and don’t worry about how fast or long the run is. I also appreciate the time I spend running races with my family a lot more now. My brother, dad and I are making participating in the Ohio State Four-Miler a new tradition.
Also, if I wouldn’t have left cross country, I wouldn’t have discovered my love for cheerleading, met one of the most influential coaches I’ve ever had and made amazing friends with my teammates. The stress from cross country would’ve piled up higher and higher and, eventually, ruined my high school experience.
We aren’t going to be the same person at 13 and 16, and we aren’t going to be the person we were at 16 for the rest of our lives. We are going to have so many amazing experiences throughout our lives, and if we refuse to let ourselves change and evolve, we could miss out on so many of them.
My family’s summer vacation to Aruba:
5) romantic love isn’t everything
My first relationship began when I was 16 years old. I’d had a crush on this guy since junior high cross country, so when he finally asked me to be his girlfriend my sophomore year of high school, I fell hard. The relationship was serious right from the start, but I didn’t have any prior experience with dating and I saw nothing wrong with this. He was my first love, and I thought he was going to be the person I married. By the time I turned 17, I realized that I had been very, very wrong.
Like I mentioned before, growing up I struggled to maintain friendships and I had a really hard time putting myself out there. As a result, when I found someone that made me feel comfortable being who I was and who also loved me for that, I placed him on a pedestal. I put all of my time and effort (lots of effort, but I guess that’s not relevant) into maintaining this one relationship, putting everyone else in my life on the backburner. I was lucky to have found a group of girls towards the end of my relationship that were there for me when it ended, but in that year, other friendships fizzled out, I let my family down and I lost touch with aspects of my life that had always been so important to me.
I’m not making excuses for myself because I know how harmful it is to invest everything into a romantic relationship, but I also know how common it is, especially for people who are in their first relationship. We get so excited about that person that it’s really hard to think about anything else sometimes. But that also causes us to be blinded by our feelings. I can say for certain that there were huge red flags throughout my entire relationship, but I loved him so much that I was willing to look past those “minor” problems. This is why, even though it’s common, we can’t let ourselves forget about what else is important to us. If you push everyone else away and then figure out that the person you’re dating isn’t the one, what do you do?
It took me a long time to heal from my first relationship. Honestly, I’m still healing from certain parts of it. I joke a lot about how I barely remember when I was 17 because I’ve just tried to erase it from my memory. I spent most of that year going back and forth between extreme anger and sadness, and there weren’t many days that I didn’t cry. I focused so much on preserving that relationship, that when I finally ended it, it was hard to jump right back into what was really happening around me.
Throughout the rest of high school, I didn’t really focus on guys or dating. But, for some awful, regrettable reason, when I got to college my freshman year, something in my head clicked and I was ready to find my husband.
There’s nothing wrong with knowing what you want, but the idea of getting into a relationship became all-consuming for me. And, if you haven’t learned yet for yourself, that is not the best headspace to be in as a freshman in college because almost no one feels the same. I wasn’t “boy-crazy,” but when I did meet someone I liked, I created my own image of them in my mind and immediately decided that they were “the one.”
Instead of actually getting to know the person I liked, I spent all of my time deciphering their every move, stressing out about whether or not they liked me. I got myself into these situations more times than I would like to admit, and even though this lesson is under year 17, I can’t lie and say it hasn’t happened recently. But now, I look back and wonder if I ever even actually liked any of those guys or if I just wanted them to like me enough to date me.
There is so much more to life than romantic love, whether you have family or friends that love you, a career and dreams to invest in or interests and hobbies to spend time on. As they say, your romantic partner should add to your life, not be your life. Yes, guys have hurt me, and I can acknowledge that I didn’t deserve that. But I also think a lot of the pain I’ve experienced from romance was self-inflicted or elevated because of the importance I placed on it. Dating is supposed to be fun! It’s okay to want to find someone to share your life with, but you can’t lose yourself in the process.
My mom and I at my junior prom:
6) I shouldn’t care so much about what others think of me
Throughout high school, I struggled with being my full self most of the time. Whether it was because I thought people wouldn’t like me, I was nervous around upperclassmen, I was trying something new or I was too shy, there were very few people and spaces where I felt truly comfortable. I used to hide my hobbies and interests in case my peers thought they were “weird.” I did everything that was considered “cool” and avoided everything that wasn’t. I even remember wearing certain clothes to school, and when I got there, I would beg my dad to bring me something else to wear because I was so insecure.
During my senior year, I was pushing myself to be as outgoing and social as I possibly could so I could head into college ready to meet new people. At first, it was great – I had never felt so seen and heard by my peers. But soon, without realizing it, I started to change aspects of myself in order to stay “noticed.” I hung around and even became very close friends with a lot of people that I never previously would have. We didn’t have anything in common and I found myself putting my own morals and beliefs on the backburner in order to please them. I lost touch with interests and activities that I had always enjoyed because I was so focused on my social life. And at 18, I made a lot of questionable decisions because I wanted people to like me.
After plenty of moments of me asking myself, “What am I doing?” I realized that I had led myself astray. I never needed to change who I was, and if there were people or situations that made me feel that way, I should’ve realized that they weren’t worth my time. Since I started school at OSU a year and a half ago, I have been able to rediscover my passions and the things that make me, me. I have found so many people who love me for who I actually am, not for the person I became to fit their standards.
If there are a number of people who genuinely hate you, maybe you want to evaluate your actions and how you treat people. But, if you’re scared to be yourself around someone because you’re afraid they’ll find you “weird” or “boring,” maybe you shouldn’t get to know them at all. Be yourself and the right people will find you. I promise, no one is paying that much attention anyway.
My best friends and I at our high school graduation:
7) There are bad days, but there are also good days
At 19-years-old, I couldn’t understand why I felt the way I felt for the first time in my life. I have always been very in-tune with my emotions and can usually pinpoint exactly what influences my feelings, but during my second semester of my freshman year of college, I was just sad.
It was so hard to motivate myself to go to class and I distanced myself from my friends. Every negative experience became worse and I just couldn’t find it in myself to feel excited about anything. Even when I was visiting other friends or going on trips with my family, I felt off. It was strange and it was new and it was, honestly, pretty scary. I had an indescribable feeling that things were never going to get better.
But you know what? Things did get better.
Understanding and dealing with mental health can be really confusing. One second, I’m convinced the world is falling apart, and the next, I question if I was just making everything up in my head. I go through phases when I feel like I’ve never been happier and I’ve made it through the worst, and other times, I feel like nothing compares to the pain I’m in at that moment.
When I start to feel like things are getting bad again, it’s easy to lose myself in the hopelessness. But if I’ve survived every bad day I’ve had for the past 19 years, I can make it through every bad day in the future. I try to remember that no feeling is permanent, no matter how long it may last. Recently, I’ve begun focusing on recognizing habits and behaviors that might negatively impact my mental state and trying to limit or correct them.
No one is going to be 100% happy all of the time, and that’s okay. We are allowed to feel our feelings and take time for ourselves because we are human. There will always be bad days, but there will also be good days, and that is such an important lesson to learn.
My last weekend at home before moving back to OSU for my sophomore year:
a new decade…
As tumultuous as our teenage years can be, I am very aware that our 20s can be equally rocky. It’s a whole new decade that comes with its own whole new set of challenges, but we can take the lessons we’ve learned from being a teenager to help us through it all. Despite it being a little intimidating, I am so excited to get started in this new chapter of my life!