How boundaries can enhance and even save relationships
I’ve always considered myself to be a laid-back person. I don’t particularly care about what people say or joke about (as long as it is not offensive to a group of people or meant to hurt someone else). I don’t feel uncomfortable sharing my life stories and opinions or sharing my belongings with my loved ones. If something minor really bothers me, I typically let it roll off my back. I always thought this was the best way to avoid unnecessary conflict.
“Boundaries aren’t walls, they’re fences. And good fences make for good neighbors.”
Urban, M. (n.d.). Why setting boundaries is important (and isn’t mean). Thrive Global. https://thriveglobal.com/articles/why-setting-boundaries-is-important-and-isnt-mean
The summer before college, my parents were very involved in my academic and social life, in the hopes that they could help me achieve their version of success. Unfortunately, what they perceived as success did not match my point of view. In their mind, being a History major and doing anything that helped me get into the best law school was going to make me successful, but for me, doing things that would help me get into a psychology graduate degree program and become a therapist or psychologist was what would define my success in the future.
Right before school, my parents and I had the fight of the decade. They were trying to convince me to be a History major instead of a Psychology major because “history looked better for law school.” That fight could’ve ruined our relationship because I didn’t know how to be honest and set a boundary. I wanted to forge my own path now that I was an adult, and my parents’ interference in making my own decisions was preventing me from doing so. Although it was difficult to tell them I didn’t want to be a History major, it made our relationship stronger to tell them how I felt and what I wanted.
Boundaries are important to fostering and strengthening relationships, whether that be friendships, romantic partners or family members. They help develop respect, honesty and communication between members of the relationships. Telling my parents that I didn’t want to be a History major or follow the path that they had set for me was really difficult, but it strengthened our communication and understanding of each other, therefore strengthening our overall relationship. They didn’t understand at first, which was hard, but I felt happier being honest with them, and them seeing me thrive in the field I chose made them trust and understand me more. Soon enough, they realized that being a lawyer or attending law school was not something I was ignoring or denying, but something that I wanted to pursue while exploring my passion for child psychology.
Melissa Urban from ThriveGlobal.com says, “You’re not mean when you set boundaries, you’re being kind — to yourself and your relationship.” It’s a common misconception that when you set boundaries with someone, whether you’re taking a step back or telling someone “no,” you are going to hurt them and aren’t being considerate of their feelings. Really, in the long term, you are being kinder to them than if you stayed silent. Think back to a time when you wanted to say “no” but said “yes” because you wanted to make someone happy: how did that make you feel during and afterward? Were you regretful of your decision? Were you angry at yourself or at the person who was involved? Did you lash out? Did they ask again, making you feel inclined to say “yes” when you didn’t want to all over again? Most likely, you answered “yes” to one of these questions. There are a few instances where it may have worked out in your favor, but most times, we are the ones who know what’s best for us.
According to Forbes Magazine, not setting boundaries is related to poor self-esteem, helplessness, the fear of rejection and craving others’ approval. People pleasing and fearing rejection are natural and many experience it, but they hold us back from being the best version of ourselves. If I had never spoken up to my parents and set a boundary that I wanted to take control over my own life, then I wouldn’t have found my passion, learned what made me happy and thrived the way I have academically, socially, mentally and emotionally. I am overall a better person than I was when I first left for college and that was because I forged my own path, which I couldn’t have done without setting that boundary with my family when I first came to OSU.
Urban also says, “Boundaries allow those who care about us to support us in the way we want to be supported.” My parents were able to support me so much better and more than if I had said “yes” to what they wanted and moved on. They now can help me become a better academic in the course of study that I want to pursue. We have a much better relationship and I couldn’t have done so without setting a boundary.