How do the men and women of Oswego compare when it comes to the question of dating casually or being in a committed relationship? Let’s ask Erin and Kyle:
She Said:
There is no common consensus on what women at Oswego want when it comes to men. There is, however, this allusion that all women want to settle down and be with one man from the start. That is not entirely true, however. Every woman is different depending on what her needs are. Women’s preferences change depending on where they are in their lives.
It is contingent on a person’s perception of what dating is, says freshman Maggie Faller. When thinking about dating versus being in a one-on-one relationship with a guy, we have to remember that there can be several types or variations.
Is our man seeing other women? Are we constrained to the bedroom or do our boundaries exceed elsewhere? Are we, as women, allowed to also shop around? These are all questions that need to be considered and discussed in order to understand what exactly it is we have gotten ourselves into.
Faller believes that college is a time to be single, to have fun and “do whatever the hell you want.” Although her current relationship status contradicts this statement, it’s what she generally believes.
“If you’re single, go for it, go crazy,” Faller says.
Along with perception, it depends on the type of girl; what her morals are and what she thinks is okay. If a girl can hook up and move on, with no emotional connection, then go for it, says freshman Allie Provost. Provost, however, believes that girls are really bad at that.
“Someone’s more emotional than the other, all the time,” says Mia Cruz, junior studio art major.
However, this might not be completely our fault.
Time out for some help from Cosmo: Oxytocin, a chemical released after a woman orgasms, shows why hooking up and moving on isn’t always simple. I am by no means saying that one has to engage in sexual activity in order to be seeing anyone, relationship or not, but it shows the difficulties of being “friends with benefits.” Oxytocin basically “makes you want to bond with your guy after getting it on,” a writer for Cosmo’s The Cosmo Sex Challenge: 77 Positions in 77 Days says.
We also have to take into consideration a woman’s circumstance.
“If she has come out of a long-term relationship, she might just enjoy being single,” sophomore Kate Freeman says. But then again, women coming from a long-term relationship might expect more from their partner(s), wherein lies the need for communication.
Faller and fellow sophomore Melinda Copeland agree that if a woman wants to be with someone, then the title shouldn’t matter. Some even believe that the “title” has lost its meaning.
“People are less willing to commit nowadays,” Provost says. “They don’t know what they want.”
Others feel they need the title.
“I need to know what is going on,” sophomore Ann Pallifrone says. “It makes me feel better.”
Clearly, we, as a collective group, don’t know what we want. The decision between dating around and being in a relationship is very individualized. It basically comes down to doing what is right for you and making sure your needs are being met. If you know what you want, go for it. If not, keep shopping around until you find what fits you and your needs best. We are in college, after all.
He Said:
There seems to be an attitude that college is a time for first-hand experimentation: When will sleep-deprivation start to make you hallucinate? How much can you drink before getting up for a 9am class? Will those magic herbs help you relax after a stressful week? Meeting new people, broadening your own sexual experience and exploring relationships also come into play.
However, even in the microcosm that Oswego can be, a preference for dating or being in a relationship is still dependent on a number of factors. A guy could be beginning his studies or about to graduate. He could be commuting from out of town or living on campus. He could be totally focused on his schoolwork and not even want to be involved with a partner.
As it happens, Oswego guys don’t all fit into the stereotypes most women would expect. There isn’t much, “bro, I’m seeing different girls all the time. This one girl the other night…”
Erick, a sophomore, says he prefers being in a relationship.
“Only after caring for someone, I was able to appreciate more moments being in a relationship than dating,” he says. “I only enjoy dating when it leads into a relationship.”
“The purpose of dating is the pursuit of commitment. Casual dating does not attend to that. A lot of it is emotion,” says junior bio-chemistry major Justin Vignola. “If you’re casually dating, you’re basing your relationship with someone on looks and first impressions, whereas in a relationship you get to someone’s core.”
However, transfer student Paul just came out of a long-term relationship and is ready to get back into dating.
“I enjoy dating more. I don’t have to worry about a girl staying loyal and she doesn’t have to worry about me,” he says.
This brings up the question of causal sex. In his book, The Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating, David M. Buss cited a study that proved 100 percent of women would decline a sexual offer by an attractive member of the opposite sex. Seventy-five percent of men would gladly say yes. Homosexual men shared the same inclination. This was in the 1980s, but results would probably still be similar today.
Ryan Farrell, junior meteorology major, agrees that many guys enjoy casual sex.
“It’s nice now and again, because we can have sex and not get involved in a relationship and all the gross stuff about being with a girl.”
Not all guys agree with this statement, however.
“I understand it, but I think it’s really dumb,” says Vignola. “The definition of sex is completely changed – it’s supposed to be a sensual experience, and now it’s just a nightly affair, like brushing your teeth or something.”
Research reveals other physiological evidence of a man’s desire to have multiple short-term partners. It appears to point to the fact that there aren’t neutral feelings about casual sex between men and women.
Although, Buss’s book also points to evidence that men are ready for long-term relationships after they’ve honed their attraction skills and clarified their preferences during adolescence.
So, there are some guys who want to date and “have fun” and some guys who want to settle down. It turns out men aren’t that simple. It really does come down to getting to know the individual and what they want out of the courtship.