I think it’s safe to say my, and well everyone’s, life has changed dramatically since the beginning of this year. In early March, I found myself studying at UAlbany, working at Panera, living in an apartment, and eating tons of pasta with friends. Now, here in September, I’m studying at SUNY Oswego remotely. I’m unemployed after being furloughed and moving back to Syracuse, and I currently live in my high school bedroom. It’s strange how much things have changed for me — I often lay awake at night thinking of UAlbany, the Panera version of myself, and how she feels so distant and far. Of course, transferring was already in the works; however, it was not intended to look like this.
I went to school in Albany for a number of reasons, but the major one is that I romanticized the hell out of that city. In high school, I was one of the only LGBT+ students and I felt like an outcast. Some were accepting, although often people were not. My girlfriend at the time lived in Albany, and we had a long-distance relationship during my entire junior year of high school. When I visited her, it felt like some foreign universe where we could hold hands in public and didn’t have to fear running into someone I knew or the repercussions of the simple act.
Albany was great and did offer me a lot. I enjoyed the life I had started there and all the people I had met, but I missed Syracuse. Not necessarily the small town I’m from itself, but the whole of the 315. I missed walking through Armory Square and the good food I often ate there. In Albany, I had a hard time making it a home and realized I did not hate the 315; I just needed space. In Albany, I grew and was confident I could thrive anywhere, so I returned home to my family.
However, because of this pandemic, my schooling and life are almost entirely confined in these walls — I have a hard time finding a routine that satisfies me. My time management skills have deteriorated and I’ve felt overwhelmed and underwhelmed simultaneously. I’ve been referring to these feelings and moments as being stuck in limbo.
Limbo to me is walking through life without experiencing it. I’m here, but it all feels so foreign. I think I’ve just been dissociating myself from my current situation because of how dull it feels. I love writing more than anything, and lately, it has felt like a chore. I never have anything to say. I know I’m not alone in experiencing these quarantine blues because I have many friends who feel the same way. I’m not afraid of change, though. I have accepted this new normalcy; I just need to go beyond accepting it— I need to be happy with it— or, at the very least, satisfied.
Time has just become a blur, and every day feels like the last. I’ve been working hard to combat getting stuck in a rut and have prioritized my own well-being. I make to-do lists and prioritize getting out of the house. I make it a point to not do class from bed, even though it often tempts me. I get dressed every day and wake up at 8AM. I make a cold brew most days and always make time for some mindless Netflix watching and the occasional target/thrift store run. These simple moments and actions have helped me greatly. Although I am stuck in limbo, I know, eventually, I won’t be. I long for that day and manifest it for myself and those around me consistently.
So cheers to experiencing the SUNY Oswego student life online from my LGBT+ and feminist memorabilia filled room because maybe it is just what I needed. Perhaps limbo is the break I needed from the real world. And maybe, when things around me start to feel real again, I will be ready to tackle the world around me through my words, and the poems will just fly out of my head onto paper.