“Friends with benefits” is the classic, “I want consistent sex, without the responsibilities of being in a relationship.”
This type of interaction is extremely common, especially among college students.
How long should a friends with benefits relationship last? What is the time frame? How can we gauge this?
Friends with benefits relationships are tricky and difficult to define because each situation is unique. There is no denying the benefit of sexual intimacy with a good friend. But most of the time, someone ends up developing feelings for the other. Sometimes these feelings are mutual.
I have been involved in this kind of relationship for almost five years now. It started as a friends with benefits agreement, as we both lived down the hall from one another in our dorm. It was both convenient and enjoyable.
As time went on, I realized I truly cared for this person. Not only did I like him before sex, I liked him during sex, and after it too. To this day, we are in love, lacking any title besides “friends with benefits.” I am a firm believer that this relationship deserves to be taken to the next level, not only because of love, but because if it doesn’t, it may turn toxic.
No longer is our situation convenient and enjoyable. As a matter of fact, it has turned long distance, yet still remains undefined due to the lack of desire on his end to have a girlfriend.
When dealing with deeper feelings of love tied to friends with benefits, it’s important to identify the do’s and don’ts of the relationship.
1. Control your emotions.
Do not let the other person get so in your head and affect you so much to the point where your happiness depends on theirs. You will go crazy. Remember to not get too attached and focus on yourself first.
2. Spend time alone.
People need to listen to this piece of advice more often. Being alone is not the same thing as being lonely. Learn to sit contently in solitude. Being in a friends with benefits relationship may not grant you the opportunity to spend every waking moment with your partner, like most relationships do. Get used to being alone, you will not only find it relaxing but eye-opening as well.
3. Do not put all your eggs in one basket.
It’s important to respect one another, especially if you have spoken about not having sex with other people. But it’s also important to engage in other relationships. After all, friends with benefits is all about not having a commitment. Even if you are feeling you want things to get to the next level romantically, don’t count on it.
4. Stop comparing your situation to actual couples.
It’s easy to look at your roommate who spends every waking moment with their significant other, but that is not necessarily healthy. Looking at relationships with specific ideas of how things “should” be will just ruin what you have because you are expecting something different and will be disappointed. Chances are you and your friend with benefits probably get along a lot better than most couples.
5. Be grateful for what you are feeling, even if you want more.
Feeling something is better than feeling nothing at all. No, I am not saying stick around a bad situation just because you have someone in your life. Be smart, but enjoy the moments you have with this person and be thankful for it.
6. Stop waiting around.
If he wants to be more than friends with benefits with you, he will let you know. Stop putting your life on hold, waiting for this person to come around. You can’t count on this, so stop wasting your time worrying.
7. Keep an open mind and trust your heart.
I know your brain is smart too, but your heart knows you very well so just go with it. Don’t get caught up in what’s next and live in the moment. Listen to your heart and relax because your gut instinct will do you better in the long run than over analyzing your situation.
8. If it doesn’t work out, don’t regret it.
The experiences you had with your partner make you who you are and allow you to grow as a person. Find the value in that, even if it ended poorly. Always look for life lessons in failed relationships because it will help you in the long run for your next one.