I’m here, first and foremost, to say enough with the over-romanticization of only being friends with boys. That isn’t to say that boys can’t be awesome pals, but I think we do need to cast off the “guys are better friends because girls only start drama” narrative. Do you need to run off, join a sorority or yoga club, and ditch all your male friends? No, of course not. Variety is good. But I am here to stand in defense of lady-friendship when mass media loves to tell us that being “one of the guys” is the better route.
How shall we do this? I’m so glad you asked. Take a seat, because I’m about to lay out a couple of my favorite cute things that girl friends do for each other roughly 500% more than guys do.
1. Drunkenly befriend you in a bathroom.
We’ve all been there. You’re out, you’re having a good time, and you go to the bathroom to pee/adjust your makeup/cry. You run into a girl (or group of girls!) that you don’t know, and you instantly become friends. More than friends, even. Sisters. An iron sisterhood forged in questionable decisions regarding alcohol and occasionally tears or vomit. Whether they’re complimenting your outfit, telling you how beautiful they think you are, or are so drunk that they’re pretty much speaking in tongues, they’re there for you. No guy can give you that special kind of magic.
2. Appreciate your cute bra and underwear set.
If you’re not already aware of this, guys do not generally care about how cute your undergarments are. Because guys are the worst. You could be donning underwear crafted out of 800 year old lace or a bra with jewels uncovered from the graves of ancient royalty, and guys will still not give them the attention they deserve. You can do what I do, which is force them to appreciate it by yelling “LOOK HOW CUTE THESE ARE YOU TASTELESS MONSTER!” or you could just turn to your trusty lady friends, who will compliment your fabulous taste in underclothes without needing to be asked.
3. Call you certain pet names without coming across as a massive condescending creep.
If a girl friend calls me “babe”, “honey”, or “sweetie”, I instantly feel a kinship with them. If a guy friend calls me any of these names outside of a relationship context, I feel incredibly uncomfortable. I’m not sure why this is (go ask your resident sociology major), but it’s just the truth. Unless you’ve previously established a rapport where this is acceptable, it just comes off as bizarre coming from a dude. Skip the whole awkward situation and never interact with guys ever, leaving a berth of roughly 20 feet between you and any male. If they try to talk to you, say “see you later, alligator!” in a world language of your choice and then walk away. Sorry, that derailed quickly. Also I’m just kidding about the “see you later, alligator” in another language thing…make sure you say it in a language they understand so they get it.
4. If someone has done you wrong, they will instantly become your friend’s enemy.
Never underestimate the power of a girl whose friend has been scorned. Guy friends might not understand the severity of this sort of situation because middle school wasn’t as cut-throat for them, but lady pals almost always do. See the person who wronged you in the hallway? Glare at them. Run into them at a party? Glare at them. See them at Trader Joe’s? Glare at them. And then buy some wine, because you’re already there and Trader Joe’s tends to have a fabulous selection for really reasonable prices. I would never condone actual violence because that’s pretty unacceptable regardless of how much you want to slap someone, but whispering “I honestly could kill them and bury them in a shallow grave” (and then not acting on it, please do not call the police on me) is fine. Probably not incredibly emotionally healthy, but you know. What are girl friends for if not to threaten to put someone who hurt you six feet under?
5. Compliment your eyebrows.
Similarly to number 2, guys don’t always notice how fabulous that hair above your eyes is. Um, rude. If you spent time making your arches look incredible, you deserve to have them appreciated. I have gone up to strangers to tell them that their eyebrows are on point, and they always love that somebody noticed them. Do I have a couple of restraining orders because my good intentions were misunderstood? Maybe.* Did I win over the hearts of several young ladies with killer brows? Absolutely.
*This is a joke, I swear. Uh, don’t google me.
6. Scream “smell this new lotion I got!” and shove a hand in your face.
I know that you didn’t expect to get a heavy whiff of Bath & Body Works Cherry Blossom in your nostrils at 3pm on a Tuesday afternoon, but I just bought it and you need to validate my purchase by telling me how alluring I smell. If the chemically perfumed formula makes you break out in a rash, then so be it, right? FRIENDSHIP MEANS SACRIFICES.
Anyway, the list goes on and on, but I hope you take a moment to appreciate that while guy friends definitely have their merits, girl friends are just all around the best and that nobody will let you sob into their comfortable sweatshirt and get mascara all over it quite like a good lady pal will. Now, go grab brunch and mimosas with a couple of gals, you wild thing.