If I had to pick one of the most important lessons I’ve learned so far in college, it would be that sometimes you have to know when to cut your losses and move on. After all, not all battles are worth fighting. While some of us have been in the dating game longer than others, learning when it’s time to move on and find a new guy or girl is absolutely crucial in maintaining your self-esteem and discovering yourself as a person, as well as recognizing when a relationship is leading down an unhealthy track. If you’re considering starting a new relationship and you have some doubts, or you’re in a relationship that seems a little off, and you notice any of these signs, it may be time to think about moving on.
1. All they talk about is their ex.
Constantly talking about or comparing you to the ex is a big red flag. Statements like, “My ex always did this” or “My ex did that and if you’re going to do anything similar then I don’t want to date you,” are statements that are a strong indicator of a relationship destined to fail. Either they’re still stuck on their past relationship, or they’re expecting you to follow a standard set by another person—and neither of these are okay in a healthy relationship. While it is definitely important to have a discussion about past dating history, or different things that have concerned you about a relationship in the past, nonstop reminders of exes can be uncomfortable and the start of a very unhealthy pattern of verbal abuse.
2. You don’t feel like there can be a mutual understanding of each other’s lives.
Sometimes, you’re just in a very different point in your life than your partner, and that can be okay. You may be able to learn from each other and your different perspectives, but there can be cases where the perspectives are so different that an understanding of the other view point is very difficult or nearly impossible. If you feel like you and your partner can’t reach an understanding about the way in which you choose to live your lives, it may be time to recognize that your lives are following different paths and part ways.
3. You share very different values.
I can’t stress this enough: diversity is great. Learning to understand each other’s differences in view points and in values is even better. But sometimes you’re just too different. Maybe you were brought up in a home where you learned to be independent and if you wanted something, you worked for it, and maybe they grew up in a home where their parents took care of everything and they didn’t really work for anything. Huge differences in upbringing and really important characteristics like work ethic, motivation, and responsibility can create resentment and massive rifts in a relationship if they are not acknowledged. If you and your partner can’t see eye to eye on much of anything, or if you can’t understand and respect the other’s decisions and why they’d make them, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship.
4. The actions of your partner make you feel uncomfortable.
Maybe it’s skipping class or going out to the bar multiple times in a week. Maybe it’s that all their friends seem to flirt and they flirt back. It might be the off-hand, “not serious” rape joke or insult. It could even be something as simple as a strange habit or a way that they behave when you’re around them. Take the time to have a conversation about the behavior and express your discomfort with it. If they still do it after having a reasonable discussion (or several) about it, there’s a chance they may not value your opinion or they may be unable to change the behavior. A great many relationships fail because we date someone thinking we can change them to be exactly the way we want them to be—and this is rarely true. If something makes you really uncomfortable or rubs you the wrong way, it’s very important to decide if it’s something that you can learn to be okay with or something that would make a relationship strained between the two of you.
Although it may feel silly to walk away from a potential relationship or to end something that, aside from a few things, is a perfectly good, sometimes it’s better to be alone and learn something about yourself too.