The Ex Factor

Finding someone who accepts you for all your good, bad, and ugly is hard to come by. Someone who holds you so close and tender that you never want to leave his or her side. This special someone can make you smile even when you want to cry. You talk to this person every day, little things in your day remind you of them; you always want to be there and bring light to their life, and you want them to always be there for you too.  Perhaps today, two weeks from now, or even 2 years from now, there will be a time when you find yourself in a relationship. Whether you fall in love or not varies for each relationship. One thing that holds true is that no matter how long, short, loveless or loving, complicated or not complicated your relationship is, the break is going to hurt.  For many, the hurt is a colossal, earth-shattering feeling, and for others it isn’t a big deal. With all the change, many of us want something we can hold onto from that person. We may not get the cuddling time, kisses, or other relationship perks, but there is one thing we can keep. Despite what the whole world tells you, it is possible to remain friends with your ex.

Step 1: Separation

This step is probably the hardest step of the process, but if you get past this, you can have your friend back and be happy all at once. It is essential to cut ties with your ex so you begin to understand that things are not the same as they were previously. The best way to go is cold turkey, especially for texting and talking. Give yourself at least a solid week when it is just you and yourself to really process what has happened.

If you broke up with them and said all that you have to say, then you should be fine. Don’t let your friends fool you into thinking that you need “closure,” because if you really took the time to think about why you wanted to end it then you have to be strong in that decision. Your gut will continue to lead you in the right direction for future love interests. This idea also applies to break ups that are mutual.

Now if you were the one who got broken up with, then this separation aspect is bound to be twice as hard since you didn’t want to end the relationship. This could lead to situations where you try to play the role you used to have in your significant other’s life. You could find yourself flirting or hooking up with your ex trying to make him or her love you again. Even if it seems like a good idea, it isn’t. Think about it. Would you want your ex to get back with you because they feel like they have to or because you convinced them? It will hurt even more not ever knowing if the reestablishment of the relationship is because they wanted it or because you were too pushy. Thus, a rule of thumb for the “dumpee” is to give yourself space from that person to heal your heart. Being around them can be your sneaky way of trying to be that lover you were to them, just without the title.

Step 2: The Support System

Another crucial step in the healing process is surrounding yourself with people who will support you during this rough time. With this situation, it will be nice to have a friend to talk to when you have flashback moments of the “good times” in your relationship. This friend will be there to listen, but also to remind you that things will get better and (as cliché as it sounds) there are plenty of fish in the sea. This friend may have to listen to you complain, cry, and hurt a lot. So make sure this is a friend who is really patient and loving. At the same time, try not to take advantage of those qualities because there needs to be some times when you handle your internal struggles alone as well.

One thing to be wary of in a support system is what I like to call the Farmers. These farmers in your life will plant seeds in your head that could lead you astray. For example, they might ask questions that make you doubt your decision. Questions such as:

• Do you think you’ll get back together?
• Don’t you miss someone to cuddle with?
• Was it that serious? Did you really need to end it?
• Do you think you’ll find anyone else?

Essentially these farmers unintentionally or intentionally plant seeds of doubt in your head and can lead you to insecurity. These people can be those closest to you that are just trying to see where your mind is at, but in the beginning stages of post-break up these questions don’t need to be asked.

Step 3: Respect

The final step is about respect. This respect should be shown to yourself and to your ex. First and foremost you should respect yourself. This involves knowing your self-worth and not going back to something that is not healthy for you at that time in your life. Particularly in abusive relationships, it is important to know that you are worth being treated with love and compassion no matter the circumstances. Don’t ever tolerate any less than you deserve and remember- you deserve the best! No one deserves to be hit, controlled, or talked down to. That isn’t love. With that said, I’m hoping the exes you keep are ones that deserve your friendship as well. Along with respecting yourself, you should respect your ex even if you hate them right now. Regardless of the ending, you and your ex shared intimate moments, shared secrets, and at one point had each other’s backs. Thus, there is no need to put his or her business out there; that just makes you look immature, bitter, and rude. I know anger and hurt are powerful things, but taking the high road can lead to peace and freedom from those emotions.

Being friends with your ex is possible. If you and your ex follow these steps, then the friendship could happen. It will take time and dedication from both parties, but I believe it can happen. It has happened in my own life and in the lives of my friends. It will be difficult to ever get the friendship back where it was before the relationship, but you can still be friends – just with a different dynamic.

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