I’ve been on quite a few first dates. Some went well. Others did not go well. Regardless of the outcome, I’ve been noticing a pattern of behavior that is pretty consistent among my female companions. While each girl was a little different, somehow they all did these same kinds of things for one reason or another. I have news for you, ladies. You aren’t fooling me anymore. I know what’s really going on. Here are just a few of the things I’ve noticed:
“I don’t care.”
I usually get this line when I ask my companion where she wants to go to eat or what movie she wants to see at the theater. Invariably, my companion will simply reply with those three little words. I know you’re lying to me though. You do care. I have never met a woman who did not have an opinion on something one way or another. You would love to go to that restaurant that uses terms like artisan, gluten free, and organic. You absolutely have to see the new Channing Tatum movie where he takes his shirt off and does other, less important things, or the latest rehashing of The Notebook-type movies. Whatever the situation may be, I’m asking what you want because I want to get a sense of what you like. Granted, I may not be into the idea of eating artisan, organic kale and then watching Channing Tatum walk around without a shirt for two hours, but I am pretty flexible. If you give me an idea of what you like or what interests you, there’s usually some middle ground we can come to that will make us both happy.
“You choose.”
This statement tends to follow “I don’t care,” or be a substitute for it. However, it has a slightly different connotation. When you say, “You choose,” often times, it’s just coming from being indecisive, which is understandable. Other times, this statement is a test. I know you are going to make some sort of evaluation of me based on what I choose. Again, it may be what movie we see or what restaurant we go to, but there is a right answer that I have to find. I need to do this because I want to make a good impression. My default may be the action movie or the restaurant with the insanely hot chicken wings, but I need to show I’ve been paying attention to what you’ve been saying. This may be just one part of a test that could last the whole date. So it’s important I choose well. Usually in this situation, a romantic comedy and a restaurant whose menu does not consist entirely of carbs are the appropriate answers. I get what you’re doing. You’re trying to see how compatible we are and if I’m willing to be a little outside the box. That being said, I know I’m being graded.
“I’ll have a salad.”
This line is the staple of the dinner date. At the restaurant, the waitress comes over and I usually order some insanely large hamburger with a side of fries and a Coke. Then the waitress turns to my companion and she says something to the effect of, “I’ll have a salad and a water.” Why do you always order a salad on the first date? Who pulled the Jedi mind trick on you to make you think guys want you only to eat salad? I can see you staring at my fries enviously while you’re picking away at your rabbit food. I know you probably really wanted the giant rack of ribs that would put my burger to shame, but you didn’t order that. I don’t know why you do it. I assure you, if I’m on a date and my companion orders a larger meal than I order, I’m going to be impressed. For starters, it shows that you actually eat despite being constantly told that calories are worse than sin. Second of all, it’s a refreshing change of pace after seeing half a dozen girls before you order a salad. As a disclaimer, I have nothing against girls who eat salads. All I’m saying is that you don’t have to eat a salad because you think I expect you to.
“I’m outdoorsy.”
I see this one a lot on Tinder and occasionally on dates when I ask the girl what she does in her spare time. What the hell does this even mean? Does this mean you go camping and rock climbing? Does this mean you like to hide in bushes in the park and scare people walking by? My guess is probably not. You define “outdoorsy” as putting on your yoga pants, grabbing an iced coffee from Starbucks, and taking a walk with your friend, Katie, while you complain about your other friend, Gretchen, who was being “such a b*tch” last night. That’s not being outdoorsy. That’s taking a walk! I know why you say that though. You don’t want to tell me what you really do with your spare time, which probably involves sitting on your couch and eating ice cream out of the container while you watch The Bachelor. You don’t have to lie to me. My equivalent is sitting on my couch eating Hot Pockets while I play Xbox. I mean, come on! I know you have a crippling Netflix addiction just like I do and that’s okay! I embrace your lazy, often strange/nerdy activities because I have my own. Don’t tell me you like being outside when you really despise the sun. I don’t go outside either! The sun is evil and will give me skin cancer. Netflix is safe. Netflix understands. Let’s avoid the sun together!
Now, I hope you haven’t read this thinking that I’m some kind of dating conspiracy theorist. My point is simply to point out these common first date behaviors that I find quite amusing now that I’m aware of them. So just keep this article in mind next time you’re tempted to order the salad on a first date.
Special thanks to Alex Bush for encouraging me to write this article.