If you told me that you’ve never considered having a threesome, I’d tell you that you’re lying. They seem so… taboo, like something that only happens in movies and porn. When my partner of a year came to me and asked if I’d ever consider letting another woman join us in the bedroom, I think he almost fell over when I said I would. It was like somehow I’d promised to make all his dreams come true, and I figured it might make for an interesting story someday. It certainly was *not* the most interesting day of my life, but it has given me a unique perspective to answer many of the questions many have about threesomes, so here goes.
Why another woman instead of a guy?
Honestly, this one is personal preference. I won’t get too much into this, but my partner and I both agreed that another woman would be a better fit for us. That may not be the case for you and your partner. Communication is a huge part having a sexual relationship with anyone, and it becomes much more crucial if you move beyond the realm of “typical” sex. If you and your partner are comfortable having the discussion, go for it! If not, a threesome might not be for you, and that’s OK.
How could you share your man with another woman? Weren’t you jealous?
This was one thing I was really worried about. If you and your partner are not 100 percent comfortable with the idea and trusting of one another, I definitely *would not* recommend a threesome. We set some ground rules ahead of time so that we all knew sort of what to expect and nothing happened that would cause problems. I would say that I was, in a way, still a little jealous but it inspired me to let loose and really commit myself to having a good time instead of becoming cold and grumpy. What I thought would bother me the most about the whole situation ended up not being a big deal.
How did you even find someone to join you and your partner?
You’d be surprised how many people are curious about threesomes and willing to try it if you just invite them in. Because my partner and I are not exclusive, he had someone in mind when he asked, but I told him I’d feel more comfortable if he let me find someone he didn’t have a history with. I used Tinder and made sure to be totally up front with anyone I talked to. Some people were shocked, but once someone said they might be interested. I had coffee with them to chat, and once we were comfortable with one another, I introduced her to my partner. This was probably the second-most awkward part of the process.
What was the first-most awkward part of the process?
Without a doubt, incorporating someone else into your sex routine. How do you start something like that? When there’s only two people, it’s much more intuitive: maybe you make out or maybe you have something that you just always do together to get going. When there’s three people, things are a *little* different. There was a moment when we all sort of stared at each other, but thankfully my partner, who has a delightful, if not ridiculous sense of humor, looks at us and says, “Well, ladies, I don’t know about you, but I haven’t watched enough porn to know how this works so let’s just go for it” and bursts out laughing. Alleviating that tension made all the difference.
Did it live up to expectations?
It blew them out of the water! It was actually so much more fun than I ever imagined. I always thought of threesomes as something women did to please their partners, and even though it started that way, it turned into a really good way for me to explore my own sexuality too. I had really low expectations going into it. I assumed things would be really awkward and that I would feel really jealous and self-conscious. I’ve always tried to be very sex-positive but harbored some apprehension toward things that fell outside the realm of your everyday sexual encounter.
Having a threesome taught me so many things about sex I don’t think I would’ve learned otherwise. I got a chance to expand my horizons and be with another woman, which was a huge part of accepting the sexual identity I’ve struggled with since I was a young teen. I saw the funny side of sex. I think we’re always told how serious of an act it is, and that might be true, but sex can also be funny and silly and playful which is something I don’t think we experience enough. Most importantly, it taught me that my partner and I could break away from the same old routines we always follow and step outside of our usual boundaries to find things that really excite us both.
Would you do it again?
I think so, and we’ve talked about it some. Threesomes are not something we want to include all the time, but they are certainly on the table for special occasions or when we feel we’ve fallen into a bit of a rut.
Do you have any advice for bringing it up to a partner if I want to have a threesome?
I think you should just go for it. Ask them directly, “Would you ever consider having a threesome?” or “I was thinking about this and I wanted to know what you think.” Send them this article! Like I said earlier, relationships, especially when it comes to sex, are all about communication. If you don’t communicate what you want, they have no way of knowing.
Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there— you might just surprise yourself.
Any final words of wisdom?
YES: Always have fun but do it safely. A foray into the world of sexual mysteries can be an amazing experience but the same rules for safe sex apply!