As a twenty-something, you’re supposed to be sex-crazed. On the occasional spring evenings where time feels like it’s paused and people put away their books and pull out shorts, people drift to bars in hopes of finding another to spend the night with. People pore over dating apps, swiping left and right, hoping to find someone they can feel close to. People want sex, and it’s great – I’m proud to live in a time when women can want sex unashamedly, and (usually) without being labeled stupid things that men having the same amounts of sex or more wouldn’t be labeled. We can want sex! But frustratingly, even though I feel invigorated by being allowed to want sex, it’s something I typically don’t want.
For me, not wanting sex isn’t a moral thing or a not-being-ready-yet thing. I did want sex. I imagined my first time, and I itched to lose my virginity. But as timing would have it, I got into a serious relationship around the same time I got on antidepressants, and my libido disappeared.
I want to clarify that in my relationship, I do not feel pressured to have sex, and my partner has a clear understanding of my love for him plus my SSRI-induced appetite for sex, or lack thereof. So when I talk about being frustrated with my libido, it’s frustration that comes from wanting to be a healthy, sexually active twenty-year-old, and not frustration from pressures my partner puts on me to have and want sex.
But I think this is something we need to talk about.
Not wanting sex at my age makes me feel not normal. I get into cycles of thinking about marriage and children – when sex is rumored to dry up – and get scared that I’m already there. A forty-year-old trapped in a twenty-year-old *shudders*. My friends talk about great nights they had, and I can’t relate, or if I’m honest with them, they think something’s wrong with either me or my relationship. They think things would be different if I were dating someone else. Sometimes I let myself doubt my relationship, my sexuality, my femininity.
But there are reasons women in college might have a decreased appetite for sex. Antidepressants and other drug reactions are one. If you’re constantly cramming for exams and getting down on yourself about your GPA and job prospects and finding yourself out of the mood, well guess what? Stress can zap your appetite, too. It can also be psychological. If you’re experiencing depression or low self-esteem or performance anxiety, you’re going to find yourself avoiding sex.
I want to stress that this is normal. In a 2010 study published by Obstetrics and Gynecology magazine where 31,000 women were interviewed, 10 percent aged 18 to 44 experienced problems with a low sex drive. Suggested causes were antidepressants, the pill, or psychological issues such as depression and anxiety.
What can you do about it?
If you think the low sex drive is attributable to a medication you’re on or psychological symptoms you’re having, talk to the doctor prescribing the medication or a mental health professional who can help you work through your symptoms.
If you think it might be attributable to stress, try to make sure you’re getting enough sleep, eating well, managing your time, and then take some time for yourself to do things that relax you, whether that be exercising, yoga, coloring, reading a book that isn’t for school, etc.
And finally, sometimes having sex puts you in the mood for more sex. You can masturbate on your own and try to work up an appetite for sex with a partner, or, I find myself making plans to have sex with my partner because I want to make him happy and deepen our relationship, and in doing that, I find myself wanting to have sex more frequently.
And if you don’t want to do anything about it?
Don’t! You do not have to have sex. It’s your body, your decision, and if sex is just the last thing you can even think about and that’s fine by you, then why do anything about it? Just remember not to let yourself get down about it, telling yourself you’re the only one (or worse, letting other people tell you you’re the only one), because you’re not alone.
HCXO.
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