Sh*t College Students Say

College is a time to talk about your futures, discuss your plans for your life, and say completely stupid shit like the ten phrases below.

1. “I’m not going out tonight.”

We all have lies that we tell ourselves to make us feel better. You put on the act of being such a good student, but then when your apartment door fails to block out the sounds of your roommates getting ready to go out and kill it, you’ll be out of ambition and out the door to kill it with them. But, just think, if you don’t post any pictures on social media from your night, it’s almost like it never happened. Guilt averted.

2. Words like fruition, juxtaposition, and facetious

If you use a thesaurus enough for the never-ending stream of essay assignments, the words will eventually stay in your memory. Just remember who you are talking to — when I ask about your hook up, don’t tell me it never came to fruition.

3. “Turnt up”

A popular phrase among frat boys, lax bros, and any male with a GNC card, to be “turnt up” means to be significantly drunk in a very rowdy, excitable fashion. Most girls would agree that a boy who calls himself “turnt up” is a turn-off.

4. “Do you think I can fit this all in one dryer?”

Out of the house and into the laundry room, you’ve never been more afraid. Remember, you are only capable of doing what you believe you can do — go for it, baby.

5. “I look like a homeless person.”

An actual homeless person’s outfit: clothing they found on the street or that was donated to them by charity. A college girl saying she looks homeless: yoga pants she found at Victoria’s Secret and an oversized university logo hoodie her parents gave her upon receiving an acceptance letter. What a totally not similar juxtaposition…

6. “I studied for 36 hours, haven’t slept in 5 days, puked three times this morning, haven’t breathed since 2011.”

Everything is a competition. It is all about who studied more, who drank more, and whose life is more in shambles than others. It’s not just about being on the struggle bus, it’s about knowing the entire damn transportation route.

Which brings me to…

7. “I’m so on the Struggle Bus right now.”

First off, stop saying this. Let my use of it a few sentences up be the last time it is ever used. This is so first semester. Stop trying to make struggle bus happen again. Your stop has arrived, and it is now time to debark from the bus. In an effort to kill this trend, I’m not explaining it.

8. “Do you want to go to Chipotle?”

The resounding question heard on campuses across America, followed up by the obvious answer — yes.

 9. The word “Wait”

Wait, do you know what I’m referring to here? Like, wait, no, I’m serious. Wait, you do? Wait, that’s awesome. Anyways —“wait” is the new “like.” Get with it people, we won’t wait for you to catch on (see what I did there, huh huh?).

10. “I have so much to do this week.”

If you didn’t say it, you tweeted it. Everybody needs to know that you have a lot to do as if by telling them about your workload, you will gain a personal cheerleading staff. Nine times out of ten, the other person doesn’t care. If you want to talk about all you have to do at college, have you considered scheduling an appointment with you advisor?

I’d tell you more of my favorite and least favorite college phrases, but wait, I have so much to do this week.

It’s been great talking to you,

Danielle Fox

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