After two boyfriends and four break-ups in two and a half years, I’ve certainly done my fair share of trial and error. As the reigning queen of crazy at Pomona, my methods of dealing with break-ups over the past few years have fluctuated from downright stupid to ridiculous to comical to tragic to healthy to FINALLY effective. Let’s face it, college break-ups are rough, especially in our tiny Pomona community where constantly running into someone is way too easy. But mistakes are a part of life, and they could be pretty hilarious in retrospect, once the sadness has passed. So hopefully I can share my little bit of wisdom to help out those of you who are going through a rough time.
Disclaimer: I may or may not have participated in some of these don’ts but I absolutely participated in the do’s. Also, these are not 100% foolproof ways to get over your no-longer significant other. While they may have been helpful for me specifically, every girl has to find her own way to get back on her feet. I’d also like to add that since I have only had experience dating straight men, I don’t think I have enough personal knowledge to give break-up advice for everyone on the spectrum. So if you have a similar or very different experience, I would love to hear what you have to say!
And with that, we’re off! Welcome to your crash course in surviving a Pomona break-up!
Don’t desperately call him when you can’t sleep at night and especially don’t drunk dial him. Going along with that, don’t memorize his phone number.
Do delete his phone number. If that isn’t enough damage control and you have a smart phone, download an application that blocks you from dialing his number. Or just get some self-control (easier said than done). If all else fails, hypnosis could potentially be a last resort.
Don’t feel like you are obligated to go out every single night to prove to the world that you’re having more “fun” than he is. This behavior usually leads to putting a lot of pressure on nights out and you’ll probably be disappointed.
Do plan a fun girls’ night in. One of my favorite nights last weekend (after Smiley 80’s, obviously) was painting my nails with a group of close friends followed by delicious Coop quesadillas and an episode of Modern Family. It’s so important to reinforce those girl bonds when you’re down. Plus your bedraggled sandal-wearing feet will thank you for the pedicure. Another option is indulging in some much-needed alone time when you stay in your room at night.
Don’t assume that being intoxicated is an excuse to climb back into your ex-boyfriend’s bed and have a sleepover.
Do have slumber parties with your friends! Sometimes after a break-up it’s hard to get used to sleeping alone, so I’ve found that a rotational sleepover schedule with a few of your girlfriends is highly effective and fun. Who doesn’t love cuddling?
Don’t immediately sleep with someone so that you “win” the break-up. This may seem obvious, but having sex to get revenge on your ex is just about the most nonsensical and moronic idea ever. It will probably lead to feelings of low self-worth and emptiness the morning after.
Do flirt with cute boys and put yourself out there. I’m no prude, so if you think you are emotionally ready and you want to hook up with a boy because you are genuinely interested in him (not interested in making your ex miserable!), go get some. It’s probably a good idea to keep things light and fun.
Don’t stalk his Facebook. And his brother’s Facebook. And the girl he may or may not have flirted with outside of TNC’s Facebook. Resist all temptation.
Do de-friend him on Facebook. Instead, read the New York Times or the BBC or any other news website online. Check out interesting, quirky, creative blogs that share your interests (personal favorite: the Man Repeller, www.manrepeller.com and this is not because I’m bitter). Reading interesting articles is a much more constructive use of your online time and maybe you’ll learn a little too.
Don’t go to Pub with the intention of getting blacked out. Unfortunately if we look at the population of girls in the bathroom every Wednesday night it seems that many forget this advice. Blacked out Pub leads to bad decisions and dramatic emotional swings if you should encounter you-know-who.
Do go to Pub with a group of supportive friends and if you really feel like drinking, keep it down to a beer or two (if you’re 21!). Dance like crazy with your leading ladies and focus on being silly rather than man hunting.
Don’t devour an entire cake, two pints of Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey and Half-Baked ice cream and a chocolate bar for lunch every single day (I swear I don’t do this. Really.). Overeating while wallowing may lead to sudden weight gain and instant self-loathing. From experience, this is especially traumatic if your favorite jeans don’t fit your rapidly expanding derriere.
Do indulge and wallow for a few days. After that, treat yourself without emotional binge eating. I’m a strong believer in delicious dark chocolate and Some Crust cupcakes when spirits are low, so they should still be an occasional part of your diet.
Do head over to Monsour and talk to someone who can help you. Extra bonus points if you turn off the tragic indie songs and jump on your bed with your roommate belting out the lyrics to Helen Reddy’s “I am Woman.” (Lyrics included below)
Don’t morph into a lazy and inactive blob. It’s easy to fall into the trap of self-pity, but vegetating in bed all day will only make you feel more tired and more depressed.
Do get your ass to the gym! Running is a great way to release anger (especially if you growl and punch the air like at the same time). Vinyasa yoga will help restore balance and calm. Taking a spin class or a zumba class with a friend makes you feel less alone and also releases endorphins! And as Elle Woods would say, “endorphins make you happy!” Plus, if you look good you will feel good, which will make you feel 110% more confident if you accidentally run into your ex.
Don’t continually sleep with your ex for six months after the break up. Old habits die hard, but this one has really got to go. You may think it feels sexy because it’s “forbidden,” but after a while things can get messy and painful. Just don’t do it.
Do cut off all ties with him, physical and emotional. A clean break is the only way to become a functional human being post-breakup. Plus it opens up new opportunities to meet people you might be even more compatible with.
Don’t shirk all your responsibilities like doing homework, attending club meetings or going to class. Times of great emotional stress may not lend themselves to schoolwork, but don’t allow a stupid thing like a boy be the reason your grades start to drop.
Don’t stay on campus all weekend and walk by his room 100 times a day hoping you’ll run into him or catch a glimpse of his elbow through the blinds. Ladies, this is pathetic.
Do break away from the Claremont bubble! Take advantage of all there is to explore in Southern California. Sign up for an OTL trip, brave the cold for some sweet pow pow on Baldy, check out a museum in LA, frolic in the waves at Zuma Beach, head out to Pasadena for dinner with friends, stroll through the art galleries in Laguna or road trip to Vegas for a friend’s birthday? The more you enrich your life with outside adventures and create new traditions for yourself, the less you’ll think about your ex.
My last piece of parting wisdom: Don’t take his sorry ass back! I don’t care if it’s the first, second or third time you’ve broken up and he’s begging on his knees telling you what a mistake he made. In more cases than not, he hasn’t changed and your relationship the third or fourth time around won’t change. You need to move on and get your life together. Having a boyfriend does not equal instant happiness, so take this time to focus on YOU and what an amazing woman you are and will be.
As promised, I would like to close with the brilliant words of Helen Reddy. Make fun of me all you want but this is my mantra:
“I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back and pretend
Cause I’ve heard it all before
And I’ve been down there on the floor
No one’s ever gonna keep me down again
Oh yes I am wise
But it’s wisdom born of pain
Yes, I’ve paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to I can do anything
I am strong, STRONG
I am invincible, INVINCIBLE
I am WOMAN.”
Good luck my fellow strong and invincible women, it’s time for a new era.