Story One:
You know those mornings where you wake up next to someone and immediately think to yourself, “What the f*ck.” I commit this crime far too often. Most times you don’t have the intention of partaking in these activities, but after having a few (or many) drinks, your body starts doing things you would, otherwise, not agree to in a more level-headed state of mind. I’m here to share some of those glorious moments that make you look back and laugh.
A few months ago I got myself into a sticky situation. I was visiting Penn State main campus for the weekend for a football game. It was Friday night and most of my friends were not 21 so we went to our male friends apartment to “hang out”. Everything was going great, everyone was having a fun time, some more than others. The night was coming to an end and somehow, I ended up in my male friend’s bedroom, alone. This wasn’t a red flag because I knew him enough to just casually hang out alone because we were friends. So, we’re sitting on his bed, lights on just having a conversation and catching up. His roommate then enters the room, grabs some things and leaves. Things are happening, body parts are being touched. He gets up to turn the lights off and I ask about his roommate. He responds with, “He gave me the room for the night.” At this moment I knew what was about to go down. Fast forward to sometime later; both of us are fairly intoxicated at this point.
He proceeds to ask me, “Can you ride?”. Ok, sure, not too weird. Then as I’m on top of him, he makes me come close to his ear and whispers, “Can you kiss my neck?”. I was trying so hard not to laugh. It was still summer and he had no AC in his room so he ended up sleeping in his roommates bed and I slept in his. A few weeks later, the same thing happened except he was having a bigger gathering than the prior time. His siblings were there also, along with all my friends. We were both highly intoxicated this time and somehow we ended up in his roommate’s bathroom, and did the deed in there as his sisters were standing right outside along with many other people. When I came to my senses the next morning I noticed my shirt was ripped but I wasn’t upset because it was such a funny thing. What makes the situation funny is that for the first two years of college I had a thing with one of his close friends, everyone in our friend group knows about this except him. No regrets though!
Story Two
So I went through a hoe phase when I was about 17 or 18, not gonna lie about it. I was big into using Bumble or Tinder and meeting up with guys (would NOT advise this, I was a reckless child and didn’t care about my safety!!!!) I met up with this guy named Eduardo, yes Eduardo. I originally had my friend with me when with him and we basically just drove around because there is very little to do in my small hometown during the summertime. Then we both went back to his apartment with him, on the way home he made me hold his hand (very strange) and then told me my hand was heavy for a girl, thank you Eduardo for that. We had a drink while at his place and then my friend had to leave so I was left by myself. It was just overall awkward. He made some weird comments, used his teeth a little too much, didn’t like anything I was doing and couldn’t get or stay hard. At one point, I was trying to suck his dick and HE WAS ON HIS PHONE. Lemme tell you I was pissed.
I almost left but then he tried to convince me to stay and help him get hard. He asked me “What’s your favorite hip-hop or rap song?” I said Humble by Kendrick Lamar, because it was 2017, duh. HE MADE ME DANCE WITH HIM NAKED TO HUMBLE. My ass was not into this weird shit. I left before either of us came and never spoke to this man again. Well, that’s a lie. He used to message me every once in awhile asking to hang out again because in his mind it was great, is he insane? I always told him I had a boyfriend (I didn’t) and then eventually blocked him on Snapchat. That’s the end of that. Except for the time I ran into him at THON 2019, I ducked and hid because I wanted absolutely nothing to do with him.
Story Three
As a preface, the reason this weird sex story even happened was thanks to happy hour beer shot combos. That’s all.
A beautiful summer day, a little sweatier than average, I had plans with a friend to grab some drinks then go see a comedy show. Completely oblivious to the night I was about to have, I arrived at the bar and waited for my friend to arrive. We started talking, and eventually, had finished a couple of beers plus shot combos. Realistically, we were about 3 shots of tequila and 3 beers in, and with our bodies now prepped and ready for some comedy, we made our way to the venue. The comedy show was great, another 2 or 3 beer and shot combos went down the hatch, and we were speaking to the comedians after the show. As the bar was starting to close, that’s when I literally ran into the person I was about to spend an interesting night with.
I was walking backward while speaking with some people, and as I turned I ran directly into the largest human I’ve ever seen. I’m talking 6’8” with some heft- The man was like a human Sequoia tree. We laughed over the interaction and I threw my beer can into the recycling bin as the bartender and I sparked up some conversation. The large man was in fact the bouncer of the venue, and he continued to join the conversation while the bartender and I spoke. Him and I then broke off from our conversation after he offered me a hit from his dab pen.
We went outside as the venue was closing down, my friend had left, and I was now outside (by myself) with a man who could crush me with his single pinky finger. We went to another bar nearby where I continued to have ANOTHER beer shot combo (it was summer, don’t judge me). We flirt and eventually he asks if I want to come to his place to smoke some more. I wasn’t even more intoxicated than I already was, but despite my better judgments, I went. What I did not expect was a family on a beach vacation-themed apartment. There were NUMEROUS seashell decorations, wicker seats, and even mosaics made from sea glass. I was a bit disoriented, but my eye was on the prize: smoking more.
Mind you, I’m on my period. Not the first or last day kind of spotting, but day three fully Moses parting the red sea on my period. Yikes. As I feel the atmosphere kind of change, I let him know this. He not only does not care about this, but he’s also into it. (Did I mention he was like, 36?) Anyway, things happen. I would go into detail because I can guarantee they’re weird, but honestly, everything from then is a little bit fuzzy. When I was leaving, he told me that he knew we’d have good sex because HE LIKED THE WAY I SMELLED. Remember how it was a little bit sweatier than normal for a summer day? Deodorant tries it’s best, but people generally smell a little bit like their sweat, and apparently he thought my sweat was that sweet sweet sweat.
Moral of the story? Don’t do too many beer shot combos, don’t take drugs from strangers, and most importantly, ask someone why they think you’re attractive before going further with them. (If it’s how you smell, leave immediately)