Tinder has become a blaze, scorching its way across America’s campuses. Essentially, it’s the most shallow way to pick up hot pieces of ass in the history of the entire world—at least since togas were the acceptable fashion as public garb.
Guys use Tinder to find total babes and hope that they’ll be lucky enough to get a handful of them to be a match. For girls, Tinder is the newest way to get an ego boost, receiving messages about being attractive. For both, it is another excuse to use hand-held devices in public when they don’t want to have a real conversation, but they don’t have anyone replying to their text messages.
Let’s look at how Tinder works. It hooks up to your Facebook and pulls your profile pictures onto your Tinder account. GPS determines your location to find people in your area, and you can decide how many miles away they can be. Certainly, the NSA stores all your data too, but that’s a topic for another day. Just picture some nerdy white guy in horn-rimmed glasses sitting at a ten year old monitor virtually looking over your shoulder. Yum.
Once you’re all set up, people begin to pop up on your screen, and you can hit the big red X or the green heart. Another option is swiping left or right. If you aren’t entirely shallow, you can also click on the person for more information. You can see what interests and friends you have in common from Facebook. Additionally, you will see an “about me” section and more pictures. Sometimes looking at additional pictures is a great way to determine whether your potential match is a hooker; yeah, it happens.
There’s a ton of different types of people on Tinder looking for different things, but all Tinderers must follow certain etiquette and rules to be the best they can be, which means getting matched with a whole boatload of fellow Tinderers. I mean, that’s kind of the point, so if you get matched with a lot of people you’re doing a knock up job. Obviously, this is very different for men and women. For women, it’s pretty easy. Most men swipe right for anything that moves.
If you’re looking for some quality however, things are a little different. For guys, it’s definitely more difficult because girls are tough to please, which increases proportionally with how good looking she is. As my grandfather said once when we saw a gorgeous woman, “She’s making some son of a bitch miserable somewhere.”
However, follow these rules to find some quality:
Pictures
- Make sure you look good. When in doubt, cleavage seems to work pretty well, but do that at your own risk. Also, it only works for women
- Don’t put too many; it seems like you’re trying too hard
- No shirtless photos, fellas; you’re douche bag level will increase dramatically
- Three pictures are optimal. Only one can be smiling, none should be looking straight into the camera, and only one should be you doing something.
- If you want some good pictures, just ask an amateur photographer for their help. They’ll probably jump at the chance to help make you look super fly; plus, it’s good to have a good profile picture for LinkedIn.
Bios
- Don’t go on forever.
- Put song lyrics or some kind of joke. Maybe a few short sentences or words that express your interests or you as a person but only if you’re interesting.
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Typically, guys should send the first messages. Cases where this is untrue is when you match with a girl you would never date or when you match with someone who is actually a hooker (It happens. I was offered a buy one get one free coupon).
Remember, you don’t have to come up with something new every time. In fact, you should find one or two lines that work really well for you and use that very handy copy and paste feature that come with most smart phones.
Do so with caution though. One time I pasted another girl’s number into the message and sent it. My follow up of, “Wait, that was an accident, please don’t text that number,” clearly hurt my chances.
You may object to the idea of recycling pick up lines. Don’t. When I was young and my voice high, my grandfather would say, “Work smart, not hard.” Actually, he had a lot of curse words in there, but you get the point. There’s no need to reinvent the wheel. Some lines are good and effective. Some are bad, and go unanswered.
I experimented with almost 25 different lines and settled on two that worked extremely well. Please don’t use them, or the girls will start to catch on. Then again, if they’re reading this article, it won’t matter anyway.
First: If you had to date a Disney prince, which one would you date, and why?
This one was good because it hearkens them back to fond memories and blah blah. There doesn’t have to be a great reason; the point is it works. If you’re wondering: 60% said Aladdin, 25% said Eric from the Little Mermaid and the rest settle on Beast or Shrek.
Second: Is it too soon to propose?
This one works wonderfully if the girl has a sense of humor. If not, you probably don’t want to date her anyway.
After that you’re on your own. I recommend NOT asking for nude pictures and don’t use some extremely forward line about wanting to “get it in” or “wrapping pretty lips” around anything.
Even as this article is published, many people are moving away from Tinder, but that doesn’t mean dating apps are dead. The next big thing is Hot or Not. It’s essentially the same thing as Tinder, except it gives you a score based on whether others find you attractive.
Then there’s Ok Cupid, which is a dating app for those more serious about online dating. There is also Plenty of Fish, an app that makes you feel like you’re standing in a strip club. It’s trashy, and you know that you shouldn’t be there, but all your friends want you to stay.
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Now it is time for a short English lesson, so get out your paper and pens boys and girls. Tinder is both a noun (the name of the app that has so many young men and women’s blood absolutely boiling) and a verb (the act of using tinder for both recreational and medicinal purposes).
Those who use Tinder are Tinderers, and there are many different types.
Women who use Tinder are Tinderellas, and men who use it are Tinderfellas.
Tindermaniacs are those whom use Tinder as an ego boost. They are typically very attractive. They know it, you know it, and they just want to be sure that you know that they know that you know it. They love to tell their friends and everyone who is listening how many matches they have. They really just want to get more Instagram followers. It’s tempting sometimes with those perfect looking people, but I haven’t caved yet.
Taken Tinderers – those who already have a significant other
Tiches– those who go on Tinder just to be mean or mess with people
Tipsy Tinderers– these people want to use Tinder, but they know their mothers would not approve. They often try to remind you or put in their status that they only Tinder drunk. It’s probably not true. In truth, they sit at home and use the app while tasting Franzia wine from a sippy cup.
Tinder True Love Finders (AKA Desperate Tinderers)– these people don’t have much luck in the dating world and are trying anything available. These people tend to be Stage 5 Clingers because they will understand all of your Star Trek references. Live Long and Prosper.
Tinder Travelers– Those people say things in their bio like, “Just visiting the States for a while to practice my English. So far from home, I miss London.” Nine out of ten those people are full of it, but it’s tough to say no to a good accent, so it does well. (I was going to make my bio say I was from Ireland, but I realized that I would probably break the ethics of journalism. Plus, if I ran into anyone I knew they might call me out. Scary).
Catfishes – The fake people. Yeah, some folks have a lot of time on their hands.
Perhaps you don’t really fit into any of these categories perfectly. That’s because you probably fit into more than one. If not, you’re almost certainly a liar. I know I am. At least I have the excuse of using it to write this article. What’s yours?
Before I changed my pictures and profile I didn’t get many matches. I admit, I swipe right selectively, which I will be proud to remind my plethora of children once they begin to arrive.
Good pictures, a witty bio, and some good lines make all the difference. In fact, I’m now engaged to no less than 34 different women who I have never met. As you can imagine, I’ve booked a flight to Utah because they let these things happen out there. Remind me not to drink from the lake.