It’s hard for me to admit, but I am enjoying college. It’s a change from my usual pessimism, but it’s a change that I’d like to keep up with in the future.
This whole year was a whirlwind of events. From the pandemic to Black Lives Matter to the election, it just seemed like we never got a break.
Because so many bad events kept happening one after the other, it became depressing for me to look at the news. It got to the point where I didn’t feel like anything good would happen.
I’m not going to lie, during the pandemic I fell into a really depressive state. Even though I suffer from depression and anxiety every day, the past five months in quarantine were some of the hardest for me to deal with emotionally. I’m an ambivert, meaning that I didn’t mind being alone, but I hated being isolated from my friends. It seemed like I was never satisfied. I truly felt like I didn’t have anyone in my life that cared about me.
When I finally moved in, I felt a sense of relief. The newfound independence I gained, coupled with the distance from home, helped me gain perspective to start over. I made a few new friends, including my roommate (who is literally the best roommate I could ask for). I’m liking my classes so far, and even though it’s been challenging, I am learning a lot and having fun.
I cried the other day, not because I was sad, but because I finally felt happy. It was my first taste of happiness, and my pessimistic mindset feared that I wouldn’t feel this way ever again. What if it’s all just a hoax and I’ll be unhappy in the future?
After some self-reflecting and many therapy sessions, I realized that life isn’t either “this” or “that”. It’s not “all bad” or “all good”, even though it might feel like that. As humans, we love to attach meaning to everything just so we can make a sense of what is going on. We all have our own “boxes”, in which we categorize everything.
It’s hard to take a step back to realize that everything is relative, and our connotation to those events affect how we feel.
There was no way that I was going to be able to control how I feel in the future. There’s no way I can control how long I could stay happy.
One of my friends told me, “the moment you stop trying to be happy is the moment where happiness comes to you”. Since then, I’ve been trying to adopt a “go with the flow” mindset. Yes, this year has been a taxing one with many challenges, but the amount of growth and change I’ve gone through is incredible. Not to sound cheesy, but it really made me into a stronger person.
My final note to you is to wear your mask, wash your hands, social distance, educate yourself on what’s going on around the world, but most importantly, go with the flow and try to be more present. It may be uncomfortable, but that is where true growth will really sprout from.