We’ve all heard the concept before. “Men in their 20’s refuse to seriously date anyone because they’re still reeling from the trauma of their heartbreak at age 16”. While that concept usually makes us laugh, because why is it so hard for boys to work through their trauma, the fact of the matter is that it’s a serious issue. While ladies typically desire relationships in order to satisfy certain insecurities that have come as a result of heartbreak, men and boys typically develop certain behaviours in order to protect themselves as a result of heartbreak. The reality is that both males and females need to work through these issues and insecurities that have stemmed as a result of failed relationships in order to be able to give their next partner everything they need, and to be able to receive everything their partner has to give them. Therapy is stigmatized in our society for some reason, and especially given the effects of toxic masculinity, it can be difficult for men to show their vulnerable side. Therapy isn’t and shouldn’t be seen as shameful, because it’s so important to work on our mental health as much as our physical health to become the best version of ourselves. For all the men and boys reading this, I want to remind you of something, in case you’ve forgotten it:
You deserve to feel secure in your relationships.
As much you deserve to feel secure in your relationships, your partners also deserve to feel secure. Sometimes, our trauma and issues can pile atop one another for years. This makes it more difficult to work through your issues without the help of a trained professional. However, something I have found to be really important is that open communication and honesty should be the number one priority. A big aspect of healthy relationships is the ability to build one another up and allow each other to become the best version of themselves. Honesty and communication in relationships can come in multiple ways, depending where on the “still reeling from the trauma of my heartbreak at age 16” scale you are. It’s always worth it to decipher whether you are ready for a relationship in any regard– including both casual and serious relationships. If you know for a fact you aren’t ready for a serious relationship, maybe you should consider whether casual relationships would be beneficial for you, or if you should take the time to work on yourself. If you’ve decided that casual and/or serious relationships would be beneficial for you, your communication with your partners should be open and honest.
If you’re simply interested in a casual, low commitment relationship, tell your partner this from the beginning. Don’t lead them on and say you “might” want to see them long-term. Both parties should be on the same page from the beginning.
If you could be interested in both serious or casual relationships, depending on the person and your feelings towards them as you get to know them, tell potential partners this. Let them know that while you haven’t made your mind up about the kind of relationship you’re looking for, you will continue to be open and honest as your feelings change. When you start to acknowledge that you wouldn’t be interested in pursuing anything serious with your partner, let them know. If they agree to something casual, then cool. If your feelings become more serious, also let them know. If they agree to something serious, then cool.
I’m not sure when honesty and communication about our feelings became so taboo, but I strongly believe it shouldn’t be. From day one, we should be open and honest with our partners, because this communication helps build security in our relationships. Since everyone moves in relationships at different speeds, communication about feelings from day one is really important for some people. Hopefully, by becoming more in-tune with your emotions and feelings, while also perhaps seeking professional help if necessary, you are able to give to your partner feelings of security, while also receiving the same open and honest communication and security from them. The last thing relationships should be is one-sided, so taking a step back to recognize which side might be lacking can help you to determine how your relationships make you feel.
