How to be There for Someone Without Giving Advice

We’ve all been there; whether you were the one giving advice or the one receiving it, at one point or another, we turn to others for support. People love to tell others how to live their life. Through friends, family, colleagues, housemates, even the cashier at the supermarket- there is no shortage of people offering advice and guidance on the do’s and don’ts of your everyday, and often individuals don’t even realize that they are doing it as it generally stems from pure intentions and a helpful nature.

As social beings, humans tend to seek out consolement in others. It feels good to talk about our feelings and to verbalize our problems and stressors.  

These things can range anywhere from being stressed about school to being conflicted about a larger issue and in these types of situations, we quickly jump to be sympathetic, rather than empathetic. When we hear a problem, our instinct is to solve it. Being sympathetic feels comfortable; we feel bad for someone and so we naturally offer a solution or diversion. Empathy, on the other hand, can be uncomfortable. It might mean sitting in silence, doing nothing, just being there. Being empathetic means to wholeheartedly understand where the other person is coming from, even if it means to do so silently. Remember the last time you were upset or stressed and just wanted to talk about it. You weren’t necessarily looking for someone to solve your problems. You probably just wanted some validation, someone to simply hear you out, or someone to try and understand where you were coming from. 

All of this being said, it begs the question of ‘How DO you help and support someone without telling them what to do?’ The key in addressing this is to remember that each individual person is in charge of their own life. It can be tricky, but it’s important to be mindful that giving advice can jeopardize your genuine intentions, especially if the advice is unwarranted. Some people may feel that you are undermining their competence or adding to their stress- they may get defensive or simply tune your unsolicited advice out, giving you a million reasons why your suggestions won’t work. So as much as you ‘just want to help,’ your advice may actually be doing the opposite. But there are other ways to express your support without trying to solve their problems. 

Let Them Know that they Aren’t Alone.

Simply stating something like “I’m sorry you’re going through this, I want you to know you’re not alone” can resonate powerfully with someone. We often don’t have the capacity ourselves to tackle our problems, so it’s comforting to know that you have someone there. It might just mean sitting in the kitchen together with some music on, or it might mean a silent bus ride together. Just your presence alone might matter more than you think. And they may prefer to be alone at times, and that’s okay too. Just by expressing your offer will demonstrate your support- trust me. 

Validate their Feelings.

Let them know that they have every right to feel the way that they do. When they are expressing their thoughts and feelings, react to indicate that you are following along with their emotions. Don’t dismiss their feelings by saying that they’re ‘being silly’ or are ‘overreacting’ and that they ‘will be fine’. Though you may think this is helpful, it actually is counter effective. Ignoring their feelings might hurt them and make them feel silly or embarrassed. Remember that what they are going through is real, and you might not understand it. All they need to hear is that what and how they are feeling is valued and respected by you. 

Offer Help.

Asking if you can help not only offers your support, but it does so in a way that allows the person to control your role in their situation. Rather than assuming that the person wants and needs your guidance, voice your willingness to help and let them decide if and how they will use your perspective and actions. Even something as simple as “Is there anything I can do to help?” frames your support in a less suggestive manner. Again, they may kindly decline, but at least you voiced your willingness to take an active role as a support system. And I’m sure they will appreciate that you did.

Listen to them.

In my opinion, this is the most important thing we can do to support someone and yet it is the one we are least good at doing. Simply being a sounding board is highly valuable for both you and the other person. When we are being active listeners, we are in tune with the person’s thoughts, we can read their body language to help interpret their emotion. It allows us to be in touch with the person, to be genuinely attentive to the conversation. It’s easy to cut someone off when they’re telling a story- to interrupt their thoughts with your own and offer your advice. It’s hard to just sit back and listen, but it’s something we need to practice doing. Don’t just hear the person, listen to them. Listen to the words they say and the feelings they show. Remember that we learn best by listening, not by speaking. 

 

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