By: Cassie Biasiucci
TW: Domestic violence
My most recent break-up was not a good one, and it came as a complete shock to me to
find that the person I loved was suddenly a stranger. I am currently repairing a relationship that
came from this break-up. It’s grueling, but it’s exciting to feel that love again. It’s sometimes a
rocky road because the trust needs to be rebuilt and that won’t be a quick fix. It’s the most
meaningful work I’ve ever done, but… I’m not talking about my ex. He can jog on. The break-
up I’m talking about is the one I had with myself without even realizing it.
One day in the fall, after my long-term relationship ended, I was standing in my
bathroom brushing my teeth and listening to my “Men Are Trash” playlist, psyching myself up
to put on a brave face and go out with friends. However, I suddenly realized the person staring
back at me was virtually a stranger. It was like I finally clued into the fact that I didn’t know this
woman with brown eyes and long hair staring back at me.
I hadn’t checked in with her in a long time and that was when I had the quintessential
post-break-up cry. It was the kind of crying Diane Keaton does in that rom-com from the 2000s,
Something’s Gotta Give. Full-throated sobs that came from a very deep, very hurt place within. I
was crying because I had let the woman in the mirror down a little. A lot, actually. I put her
through a relationship that made her fear for her safety. My long-term relationship was not a
healthy one, and there was more than one occasion when my former partner and I would argue
and he would get physical. The first time it happened, I forgave him because up to that point he
had never put his hands on me. He assured me that there would never be a repeat of that
behaviour and I told him I believed him and that if it ever happened again, I would know that the
first time wasn’t just a fluke. I would be done with the relationship. Cut to another argument
where an object was thrown at my head and our relationship ended as a result.
There were many arguments between the first and second violent incidents that involved
my former partner putting me down with his words. He would say the vilest things to me, to her,
the woman I loved from the mirror, and I would just allow him. The put-downs and insults
happened so frequently that I stopped refuting him and believed the things he’d say about her. I
believed she was weak, useless, and worthless. When you hear negativity long enough it seeps
into your pores and becomes part of your own internal dialogue.
Except, that morning standing in the mirror, really seeing her, I was proud and
apologetic. Proud because the woman I saw staring back at me wasn’t weak or useless or
worthless. She was quite the opposite. The woman I saw staring back at me was strong for
getting out of that relationship; she was resourceful and smart, rebuilding her life on her own
terms, and she was valuable not only to her friends and family but to me. As the tears spilled
down my cheeks, I apologized to my reflection out loud. I had let the woman in the mirror down
and lost her for a time because I ignored her and let someone else’s negative words and actions
overpower my own positive ones. While I was making my apology, I vowed to myself that no
one would ever interfere with the relationship I have with myself again. I think the woman I see
every day in my mirror is amazing and I tell her that but sometimes the negative voice she was
so used to hearing speaks louder than my own. I’ve found that it’s difficult to trust my own
words and actions ever since coming out of that abusive past relationship.
Therapy has been an amazing tool to help me navigate re-establishing my relationship
with myself. My therapist taught me that keeping small promises to myself, such as adhering to the same routine, would help me build credibility with myself. Meeting my own needs consistently will allow me to trust myself when it comes to big and little things.
I’ve also been dating myself. I’ll spend time wandering through bookshops with a cup of
tea or going on long walks on weekend mornings. Two activities I enjoy immensely. I have also
made a more concerted effort with my friendships. When you leave a long-term relationship,
especially an abusive one, the friends you shared with your former partner scatter. Or at least,
that’s been my experience. The friends that have stayed with me are lifers. My support network
is a small one now, but I know that every member of that network is in it for the long haul. They
are the ones that deserve my attention and support and in doing so, I feel good about myself. It
feels good to be loved but it also feels good to love your people. As I take myself on dates and go
to therapy, I’ve begun to understand that the most important relationship you will ever have is
the one you have with yourself. It’s a universal piece of advice that we’ve all heard countless
times and it’s not something that should be cast aside or brushed off. I know, I’ve been guilty of
that in the past. However, the past few months, as I continued to rebuild my life free of abuse, it
hit home for me. The only person that matters to me is the person I see in the mirror every day.
She has been with me since Day One. Her opinions, beliefs, and safety are my priority. Romantic
relationships, jobs, school, and friendships will come and go but what I have with her is forever.
She’s tenacious, kind, strong, smart, and resilient and I never want to lose her again