I don’t think I would be fooling anyone if I said break ups were easy. By nature, humans navigate toward feelings of familiarity and comfort because it makes us feel safe. We will foster long-standing relationships that we invest so much of ourselves in, riding out the good, the bad and the ugly. However, at some point, it can get too ugly to continue on.
So, you call off the relationship with the hopes of moving on. Except…that really doesn’t end up being the case. Instead, you find yourself reverting back to that same person, despite knowing how unsatisfied you were with the relationship. In all fairness, it can be difficult to break the cycle when you have been involved with someone for so long. You and your partner may feel stuck, as if this relationship is your only option. But these types of relationships do more damage than good by holding on rather than letting go.
We allow relationships to cycle again and again through hot and cold phases because we have a biased sense of who we are and what we deserve. However, this toxic cycle needs to end as both people deserve their chance at real happiness.
Here are a few reasons why you may be staying in your ‘yo-yo’ relationship and how to finally kiss it goodbye- for good.
- You Only Focus On The Good Times As Evidence Of What Could Be
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Whether your relationship was good or bad, it was your reality. We are biased in wanting what we believe in to be true. We want to believe that the relationship was good and that we didn’t waste our time away on nothing . So we choose to reminisce on the good times and ignore the bad ones. However, even if we might pretend they didn’t happen, the toxic moments simply don’t just wash away.
When you break up with someone, you stop experiencing that feel-good dopamine that you become accustomed to. Your body goes through the motions similar to that of withdrawal so that when and if you finally do reunite, it feels gratifying; rewarding. That feel-good dopamine comes back and we think we are happy again–it’s familiar and comforting. Simply put though, those feelings aren’t true. All the previous reasons of wanting to break up will come around again and you’ll be back where you started.
In order to move forward, you have to accept your relationship in its entirety for what it is. Recognize that there’s a reason (or many reasons) that you continue to break up- reflect on them. Delete or get rid of anything that reminds you of your partner. You may think that keeping old photos is merely a harmless collection of memories- so that you can remember happy times- but in reality it’s just a reminder that this person is occupying your headspace when perhaps they shouldn’t be.
- You Are Using Time As A Measurement Of Love
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It can be easy to justify continuing your relationship if you’ve been together for a long time. You believe that your loyalty to your partner and devotion to your relationship is strong. Your significant other may have helped you through a tragic life event or was part of many milestone memories. They have celebrated your good times and supported you through the tough ones.
At the end of it all, you feel trapped- like you and your partner ‘owe’ it to each other to be together and that one day you will finally see it through. Being with your partner for a long time in itself isn’t or shouldn’t be grounds for staying together. The harsh reality of ending this cycle is genuinely realizing and accepting it’s over when it’s over. If it’s at a point where you are dating because it’s convenient, ask yourself if it’s worth investing your time and energy into. A past together doesn’t necessarily mean a future together.
- Fear Of Being Alone
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We live in a society that tells us we need constant external stimulation. We hold on to the belief that we need someone else to make us happy and we thus correlate our worth with our relationship status.
Staying with someone simply because you fear life alone can’t justify your togetherness. Yes, of course, it’s natural to want someone to share life experiences with, but this person shouldn’t simply be a filler for your happiness and a barricade from your loneliness. Take time to grow and ride out your independence. Learn how to embrace solitude and to be your own source of genuine happiness. Lean on friends and family who will gladly be there to help you navigate the break-up. You and your happiness are your first priority. Remember that breaking up with someone isn’t about how much you love them. Rather, it’s about leaving something that isn’t making you happy anymore and moving on to something that will.