Since it is Movember, there has been a lot of discussion on different topics of men’s health in general. I began to think a lot about the topic of men’s mental health and how although I often see posts about the topic, I have never heard any personal experiences of men I know. I felt like there is often a lot of discussion about stigma and how it can be harder for men to talk about mental illness, but I have not heard of anyone who has had positive experiences with their male friends regarding conversations on mental health. For the purpose of this article, I reached out on my Instagram to ask anyone if they would feel comfortable sharing either their own experience, or one they may have had with friends which has been either positive or where they felt as though gaps lie in conversations with other men about mental health.
Overall, there seemed to be a consistent consensus that conversations about mental health in male friendships need to be normalized. I aim to share the experiences of men that I know in order to bring light to how to normalize these conversations. Due to the nature of this topic, I will be changing the names of those who shared their experiences to preserve anonymity.
To start on a positive note, John shared with me experiences that he has had with his male friends where the outcome of their conversation was helpful.
“I rarely discuss mental issues or well-being with my friends. However, whenever I have it’s always been pleasant and comfortable conversation. It’s as if a weight on my shoulders has been lifted and I feel ten pounds lighter. I could also say that the conversation has also set me free from the secret that I kept to myself for x amount of time.”
Other than this experience, my conversations with both John and others revolved around the fact that often men do not have open conversations with each other about mental health and illness. I was able to chat with one of my friends Sam over FaceTime, where he discussed with me how he feels as though conversations about mental health are not normalized in male friendships. He brought up that the few conversations he has had with his male friends regarding mental illness are often when they are under the influence of alcohol. Otherwise, there is little to no discussion of these topics. He discussed how he noticed differences between male and female friendships where if two female friends are apart at university for example, they will often still take time to check in on each other every so often. In comparison, he felt as though with male friendships they may not check in with each other as often, for the sole purpose of just seeing how their friend is doing. Additionally, he said he felt as though guys may be less likely to check in with their male friends about mental well-being specifically, because they do not want to feel as though they are pushing their friends into those conversations.
I asked Sam about how he thinks that positive change can occur for male friendships with regards to conversations around mental health. He discussed how often people post things about mental health / illness on social media with captions saying that people can reach out to them to talk if they need it. Although he believes that this is a good thing, he thinks that with men’s mental health the script needs to be flipped in order to make these conversations more normalized. Instead of asking people to come to you about things going on with them, Sam stated that he thinks men need to be more proactive about checking in on their friends. He believes that this may be able to be achieved through men simply checking in on their friends more in a general sense. The conversations do not need to necessarily revolve around mental illness specifically, but just asking your friends how their day or week is going.
One experience he touched on was with one of his friends who he knew was going through a tough time. He said that he started to reach out just to ask how they were doing in a general sense, which opened the door to let the friend know he was thinking of them. As time went on, he said the friend began to reciprocate with discussion and they began to chat more regularly about the things going on in their lives. Therefore, he believes that reaching out to your male friends regarding mental health cannot be a one-time thing. It is a process that takes time in order for others to feel comfortable sharing how they are feeling. He discussed how guys may not share the way they are feeling right away, because they may not want their friends to view them differently or believe they are in a weak state. However, opening the door for conversations about how your male friends are doing and making them aware that you care about how their doing may work to change that.
The general consensus from both Sam and John was that in order for change, discussions about men’s mental health must be normalized. Sam stated that he feels as though media portrayals do not show this kind of thing often enough, and so as men grow up they may believe that it is okay for them to hide the way they are feeling. John discussed with me that he believes in order to change the discourse regarding health, the mental aspect should be addressed as well, not just the physical. I wanted to create this article for the purpose of opening a conversation about how this topic can be normalized. I believe that it is important for men to be able to have these kinds of conversations and that they should feel comfortable in sharing the way that they feel. Men can take steps within their own friendships to have these open discussions, such as reaching out on a more regular basis. However, I think it is also important for those outside of those friendships to continue to normalize and share resources for men who may be struggling with their mental health. It has been decades of men being told to “man up” with regards to their feelings, and it is time to flip the script because conversations about mental health should be normal for men too.
If you would like to learn more about men’s mental health, or you or someone you know may be in need of help, please check out the resources listed below.
Men’s Mental Health – Canadian Mental Health Association
https://toronto.cmha.ca/mens-mental-health/
Canada Suicide Prevention Service:
https://www.crisisservicescanada.ca/en/
Head’s Up Guys – Canadian Organization Focused on Men’s Mental Health
https://headsupguys.org/our-impact/
The Lifeline Canada – Dedicated to Positive Mental Health and Suicide Prevention
Movember Conversations Tool: