Have you ever wondered what the average number is for hooking up at Queen’s? Or, if you’re supposed to stay the night or pack up and leave instead? Four Queen’s students bear all in their hookup experiences in this edition of Queen’s Sex Talk Realness: Hooking Up!
How old are you?
Guy A: 18.
Girl B: 21 years old.
Guy C: 19.
Girl D: 18.
What is your current relationship status and for how long?
Guy A: Single. I’ve been hooking up with people for about four years, on and off for the few relationships I’ve had in-between.
Girl B: In a committed relationship for three years and nine months.
Guy C: Single for about two months.
Girl D: Single since the summer, where I was casually someone for the whole summer.
How do you define “hooking up?”
Guy A: Engaging in any sort of sexual activity with another person, typically someone you don’t know very well.
Girl B: Hooking up refers to one individual having sexual relations with another individual, including oral sex, anal sex and vaginal intercourse, as well as touching another individual’s sexual organs.
Guy C: It could be anything from making out to having sex, as long as someone’s going home with the other.
Girl D: That has really changed since I came to university. Before, it meant doing anything sexual (from making out to sex) with someone. Now, at least in my circle of friends, it generally means casually sleeping with someone.
When at a party or at a hang out on the weekend, would you normally bring someone home, or go home with someone?
Guy A: I would rather bring someone home. I feel more comfortable in my own space. That’s how I’ve always been hooking up with people. I wouldn’t necessarily be opposed to going to their house, however.
Girl B: If single, I would not bring someone home.
Guy C: I’m generally the one to take a girl home.
Girl D: I wouldn’t say normally, because it doesn’t happen every time I go out, by any means. That being said, I can’t say I’ve never done that before.
How many people have you hooked up with? Give an approximate number.
Guy A: I’d like to say 20 or so but realistically it’s nearing 40…
Girl B: 2.
Guy C: 7.
Girl D: Going by my pre-university definition of hooking up, I’d say between 10 and 15.
When you go to a party, do you have expectations of not going home alone?
Guy A: I used to live in a small town so there weren’t many gay guys around there so I expected to go home alone. That would not be the case if I lived in a place where there would be more gay men, and that expectation has changed now that I’ve moved to Kingston. I expect there to be other gay guys at parties, so I definitely expect to be picked up and I mean that in the least narcissistic way possible.
Girl B: When I go to a party, I expect to go home alone (since in a relationship); however, when I was single, it was possible that I could go home with someone but I did not expect this.
Guy C: I try to never go to a party with the expectation or goal of hooking up, because that would make me feel pressured and unable to have fun. If I just go with the goal of enjoying myself, and let the possibility of taking someone home arise later, I’ll have an all-around better time.
Girl D: Generally no, I try not to have expectations, especially in those regards. That does change, however, if someone invited me to go to the party explicitly with him, or something like that.
Do you meet your hook ups or casual sex partners at parties? In class? In residence? Downtown Kingston? A combination of all?
Guy A: Usually on the gay social app Grindr, or parties. If I’m looking for a hook up those are the two places I’m most likely to find someone searching for the same thing.
Girl B: I’ve met my hook ups at parties and at nightclubs.
Guy C: I generally meet them at parties if it’s just a one-off thing. If it’s someone that I’ll have casual sex with more than once, I’ll generally know them from class or something else school-related.
Girl D: Parties are probably the easiest and most common, but there are people from a variety of places.
When you first hooked up with someone at Queen’s, were you nervous? Afraid? Excited? How did you feel?
Guy A: I’d hooked up with many people before coming to Queen’s so I was pretty comfortable. Though there’s always a bit of fear when hooking up with someone new, as well as excitement.
Girl B: I was intoxicated, nervous but excited; I was very cautious and firm about not having vaginal intercourse or oral sex with my first hook up without a condom since I was not aware of his sexual history.
Guy C: I was pretty nervous actually, I was mostly just used to having sex in committed relationships, so this was new to me.
Girl D: I was excited to finally be out of the awkward high school hook up culture where I am from. That being said, I was a little apprehensive, because as opposed to most of the people I’d hooked up with before, I didn’t know this guy at all!
Have you done the Walk Of Shame?
Guy A: Nope! I never stay over.
Girl B: Yes.
Guy C: Yup.
Girl D: No. However, I don’t really believe in the concept of “Walk of Shame.” You just got laid! A friend once told me that she calls it a stride of pride!
Have all of your Walks of Shame really been shameful?
Girl B: Not very shameful unless I ran into someone I knew in last night’s clothes.
Guy C: I prefer to call it the March of Triumph. It’s only shameful if you’re ashamed of what you’ve done.
Girl D: See above, stride of pride, ladies and gents!
Do you stay the night or expect your partner to stay the night?
Guy A: I don’t stay the night, just a preference. I wouldn’t mind if a partner stayed the night at my place though.
Girl B: With hook ups, I never stayed the night until the hook up turned into something serious.
Guy C: It depends on what time I take her home, but generally it makes more sense for my partner to stay the night rather than trek home at some ridiculous hour.
Girl D: Well, here in res., staying the night is pretty uncomfortable (in regards to the physical discomfort of the bed, roommates, etc.) so it isn’t an expectation for me.
What happens after sex? Do you talk? Do you go to sleep? Is it awkward? Do you leave? Do you ask them to leave?
Guy A: All my experiences so far have typically been an exchange of a few awkward questions and banter and then they leave. I don’t typically have to ASK them to leave; we both know what the deal was. I do find this part of the hook up a little awkward.
Girl B: I would usually get dressed and leave so it was not awkward in the morning.
Guy C: I’m pretty unlikely to hook up with someone who I’m unable to have a decent conversation with, so we usually talk for a while, and eventually doze off.
Girl D: All depends on the person, place, time, etc. All of these have happened, except asking someone to leave. Usually, if someone should be leaving they catch those vibes on his own.
How do you decide who’s place you go to? What does it depend on?
Guy A: Depends on which one is closer! That’s how I typically decide. Also do they have roommates, etc. There are several factors.
Girl B: I would never invite a hook up partner to my place since I would not like a hook up partner to know where I live. This would feel like an invasion of privacy into my personal, private life
Guy C: I think that in most cases, it’s assumed that the guy will take the girl home, so unless specified, there’s a sort of unspoken agreement.
Girl D: I have a roommate, so mine is generally a last resort because I’d hate to sexile her, especially if it’s late.
Do you talk about condoms before anything sexual happens? When do you talk about condoms? What about birth control (if applicable)?
Guy A: I don’t talk about condoms until intercourse is about to occur. If he doesn’t go to grab a condom I definitely mention something about it.
Girl B: Since I do not know his sexual history, I would always ask if he has a condom after kissing and touching; I always used birth control but never mentioned it, nor was I asked about it by partners.
Guy C: I always will use a condom, and anything beyond that I don’t talk about before getting sexual. It doesn’t generally pose any roadblocks, as most girls are fine with just condoms.
Girl D: Not before anything sexual happens, but if things are escalating and he shows no signs of using protection, I’ll definitely call him out on it. I’m on birth control, but when hooking up with someone new, especially because I don’t know their history, not using a condom is not an option.
Do you carry condoms on you? Do you rely on the other person to have them? Who’s responsibility is it, in your opinion?
Guy A: I typically rely on the other person to bring them, but I guess I should start providing them too. I believe both are equally responsible!
Girl B: I never used to carry condoms on me when I was single as I relied on the other person, however I feel I have become enlightened and empowered as a sexually active woman so if I were to be single again, I would always carry condoms as I believe it is both (or multiple) partner’s responsibility to be prepared and safe.
Guy C: It’s generally expected for the guy to have condoms, because he’s the one they’re going on, after all. So I’ll always have one on me when I’m going out. But no one should ever go out with the possibility of hooking up and not have a condom on them, regardless of gender.
Girl D: I have a little stash in my room that my friends sent me to school with, just in case. That being said, I’d say that I generally expect him to have.
What if you don’t have a condom and no birth control or any other type of contraceptive is involved? Do you still have sex? (If applicable)
Guy A: I have before, but it causes so much stress about STDs, STIs, and as a gay man, I spend weeks worrying about HIV so I know now that it is definitely not worth it. I would probably stop the hook up and either try and find a condom or just go home.
Girl B: Never; I would not have vaginal intercourse without being on birth control; even on birth control, I would not have vaginal intercourse with a hook up partner without using a condom.
Guy C: Nope, and that’s happened to me. We just did everything else, talked for a while, and then fell asleep.
Girl D: No. This situation has come up, and even intoxicated me knew that for me personally, one night of fun is not worth the risk.
Do you talk about STIs?
Guy A: Usually exchange the obligatory “are you clean?” question. Other than that, no.
Girl B: No; If I were single though, I would ask about a partner’s sexual history and if they have ever had an STI.
Guy C: Not as much as I should.
Girl D: No, because I find that it kind of ruins a moment. I always use protection though.
When a particular hook up fizzles out, how do you end it?
Guy A: If I don’t feel like hooking up with them anymore I’ll just delete their number or not respond to their texts. If It’s someone I like hooking up with and I’ve entered a relationship or I’m seeing someone seriously I’ll explain that to them. Other times we mutually stop texting one another without a word. Sometimes a person is only good for two or three hook ups and then it’s on to the next one, so to speak!
Girl B: I cut off all ties to the hook up and prefer to never hear from them again.
Girl D: Usually it’s a mutual thing, or a logistical thing (like one of us leaving for an extended period of time), but if not, I’m just straight up about it and tell them that it isn’t working anymore. I don’t try to hurt their feelings or anything, but find no need to sugar coat it, especially if it was just a casual hookup.
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