As a Libra, a people pleaser, and someones who deeply values her relationships, one of the hardest truths I’ve ever learned is this: trying to be everything for everyone is absolutely exhausting. For the first semester of my first year at Queen’s, I would respond to every invitation with an enthusiastic ‘yes’, and I mean every invitation. Whether my family asked me over for dinner or friends wanted to go somewhere or do something, I was happy to tag along. However, more often than not, saying ‘yes’ to whatever my friends, family, and peers wanted to do made me question who I was, what I valued, and whether other people valued me as a friend.
Eventually, I started associating the word ‘yes’ with feeling fatigued, stressed, and even slightly resentful.
More than anything else, I was absolutely exhausted.
What I failed to realize then was that it was okay to take time to rest, recover, and just hang out with myself. As someone who holds her relationships and friendships in high regard, it was difficult for me to say ‘no’ to the people I loved—even to some people who I didn’t like. Maybe it was my inner middle-child syndrome coming through, or maybe it was some FOMO rearing its ugly head, but I somehow convinced myself that saying ‘no’ to plans or suggesting an alternative would result in some unknown consequence. I began to feel burnt out and antisocial, even while I was seeing others. Combined with skyrocketing COVID-19 cases, being on West Campus, and impending exam season, I felt myself retreating inwards. I felt homesick. I felt alone. Bad habits are hard to break, and people-pleasing is one of my worst.
Sitting in bed one day, eating flavourless instant ramen and holding a cup of lukewarm tea I had made with my illegal kettle, I came to the stark conclusion that I was simply tired of talking with people (no, really). I was in desperate need of some time to myself. Parts of me wonder why it took so long to come to that conclusion—it seemed so obvious afterwards. After many FaceTime calls with my mom and watching way too many self-help Ted Talks, I tried to think of one reasonable goal I could set my sights on. Eventually, I decided that I needed to focus on doing the following: saying ‘yes’ more often and saying ‘no’ more often.
Although this seemed counterintuitive to me at first, I quickly started to feel connected to this idea. Why would I keep saying ‘yes’ to things I didn’t feel like doing? Why was I saying ‘no’ to things I actually wanted to do? Why was I giving so much of my time to things that made me feel unfulfilled, unlike myself, and lost? Although I’ve always been somewhere between being an extravert and an introvert, I was so reluctant to spend time with myself—until I did, and found that it was absolutely wonderful. Instead of feeling exhausted, I felt recharged.
I saw a quote the other day floating around my friend’s Instagram stories. It reads:
The healer also needs healing. The planner also needs surprises. The giver also needs to receive. The thoughtful also needs to be thought of. The considerate also needs to be considered.
– @ashakiiii, via @thegoodquote
More than that, it’s okay to give yourself some of your own time back and cherish the time you get to spend with yourself. By thinking about and prioritizing what makes us feel truly fulfilled, we can pour that energy into the things we value most.
Time is your most valuable possession, in that you never ever get more of it. So, cherish it and spend it in the way you truly want, with the people who make you feel most like yourself. Saying ‘no’ isn’t selfish, it’s a form of self-care and it’s extremely empowering. Try saying ‘yes’ more to the things you actually want to do, and say ‘no’ more to the things you don’t, and—most of all—take pride in spending time with yourself.