One of my favourite authors, Bell Hooks, talks a lot about how the patriarchy has hurt mxn. We don’t tend to think about it, because we define feminism in relation to womxn, without stopping to consider why almost half of the population is largely neglected in such a huge movement. We love to say things like “All men…,” and we largely complain about how the mxn in our lives sometimes fall short of our expectations. I am guilty of both. While I believe that the “All men” argument has merit, and that womxn are negatively impacted by the patriarchy, I also feel like we need to have a conversation about how the patriarchy impacts mxn. Around 4,000 Canadians die from suicide every year and the fact that 3,000 of those people are mxn is astounding (Homewood Health, 2020). This doesn’t happen in a vacuum and we need to do better. We can’t wait for November to roll around every year to start caring about mxn. We can simultaneously demand more from the mxn in our lives, in our governments, and in our societies while also acknowledging that the patriarchy impacts everyone negatively.
I recently had the privilege of facetiming one of my closest friends, Jerod, who I met in first year when we both lived on West Campus (I know). Jerod identifies as a white, gay, man, and he was wonderful enough to answer some of the questions I had about how patriarchal perspectives and toxic masculinity has impacted his life.
Clothing Binaries
One of the big things Jerod talked about was how uncomfortable and unnecessary it is when people assign gender to things that aren’t people, like mxn’s and womxn’s clothing sections, gender-assigned colours, and jewelry suitable for mxn. Even drinks are gendered- coolers and cocktails are seen as feminine, and it’s radical for guys to drink anything colourful.
Womxn have the option of wearing pants and shorts, and stereotypically masculine clothing, and while we get harassed on a day-to-day basis for the clothes we wear, our options are unlimited in terms of clothing expression. Mxn do not have this option. Take Harry Styles for instance- the first man to grace the cover of Vogue, and the internet absolutely erupted over whether he was ridiculous for wearing a dress. The idea that the world still cannot handle the idea of a man, confidently, wearing a dress, and having the audacity to take up space, just points to the fact that we have not progressed as far as we think we have.
Alok Menon also brought into perspective the intersectionality of mxn and gendered fashion, by stating how trans femmes of colour, who flout gendered fashion norms everyday are treated differently than Styles (2020). Menon went on to say: white men should not be upheld as the face of gender-neutral fashion, and how trans femmes of colour still continue to face backlash for what Styles is said to be so brave in doing (2020). By gendering everything, mainly praising womxn for breaking these binaries, and not acknowledging the flip side of the coin, we are telling mxn that the space they take up is conditional.
The Sexualization of Boys and Mxn
Jerod and I also agreed that boys are touted as sexual beings at a very young age, and they are deemed to be capable of doing sexual things at far younger ages that we deem appropriate for girls. Girls are sexualized through dress codes, slut shaming, and societal perceptions, but boys are sexualized because we assume that all boys and mxn think about is sex. We just cannot seem to grasp the idea that mxn have other things to do. And when religious and other ideas depict mxn as being incapable of controlling their urges around slutty womxn, it is disrespectful towards boys and mxn.
Boys and mxn are not insatiable zombies only focused on sex, and it is inappropriate to assume so. We also need to stop stigmatizing the idea that mxn can either be heterosexual or homosexual, without any acknowledging that bisexual mxn exist, pansexual mxn exist, asexual mxn exist, demisexual mxn exist, transgender mxn exist, graysexual mxn exist, and other mxn exist. When we sexualize boys from a young age, we are not only inflicting gross perceptions of little boys and sex, we are also inflicting heterosexuality.
Emotions & Conversations
We ended our conversation with how mxn often side step away from important conversations, especially with other mxn. Mxn often feel like emotions other than happiness or anger are not emotions that they are allowed to have, and certainly not emotions to be discussed with other mxn. What happens instead is either mxn feel like they have to suppress their emotions until they are forced to acknowledge them, or womxn are forced to become therapists.
How many times have you realized that when talking to mxn in a romantic or intimate setting, you start to become a therapist or confidante in a way that you didn’t want to be? Womxn are allowed to talk to their friends, their family members, their partners, (and to a more stigmatized point) therapists or mental health professionals. Mxn are not given these alternative avenues, or if they are, these ways are so stigmatized that they might as well not exist.
Around 10% of Canadian mxn experience mental health challenges during their lifetime (Homewood Health, 2020). We need to start having conversations on why this is happening, and how we can change to better support the mxn in our lives.
