To All the Friends I’ve Lost Before: Dealing with Friendship Breakups

To all the friends I’ve lost before, I hope you’re okay.

Okay. Friendship Breakups. Platonic Divorces. A different type of heartbreak. I have had a few in my life, and all have hurt for various reasons. Some have been dramatic, others happened naturally. Sometimes the person came back into my life, but it’s been different every time. However, every single one had one common denominator: I never expected it.

Why is that? Every time you get into a romantic entanglement, you go into it with two possible outcomes in mind: you either stay together forever or break up. Even if you are head-over-heels for this person, you still kind of know in your heart that there is a chance you may not spend forever together. So why are platonic friendships not granted the same expectations?

This realization is something that I have had to learn while entering adulthood. As someone who tries to nurture a friendship with nearly every new person, classmate, or colleague I meet, I have had to rewire my brain to remind myself that I may never see this person again in the next month, in a year, five years, or anytime after our initial encounter! That is simply because we may not be a good “fit” for each other in the long run (kind of like a romantic relationship!)

I think that expecting every friendship to not last forever is something that needs to be normalized. If more people did this, I think it would create better, more healthy boundaries in relationships rather than putting all that pressure whenever you make new genuine connections. 

Now, I am not saying to be pessimistic and expect to have some dramatic friendship breakup with every friend you have, but you do have to be prepared for this to happen or else it could quickly become more messy than any romantic breakup. 

After a breakup with a romantic partner, we tend to turn to our friends for support. But what if in a friend breakup, your friends are still on good terms with the other person? What are you supposed to do then? 

Two things:

1. Do not force them to take sides. Allow them to be in a neutral position where they can be friends with the other person. *Side note: if the ex-friend tries to get your other friends to take sides, and your “friends” do, do yourself a favour and do not dwell on that. If they choose to take sides, they were never your true friends in the first place (also applies to romantic breakups).

2. Leave 1% of your heart for yourself. This tip will come in handy if they hang out with their other friend. Take yourself on a date, and learn to be okay and comfortable with the fact you are no longer friends for a reason. Learn to be comfortable alone and fight that FOMO (also, I promise FOMO is something we grow out of).

It is often hard for me to justify many of my friend breakups, dramatic or natural. These were people I loved so much and knew everything about, and then one day we began to become total strangers. I felt like it was something that was my fault. I often felt like one day I did not want to share anything with this person anymore, or that they did not want me in their life. It felt like a physical expiration date, and things would begin to sour.

However, after reading one of Indy Blue’s blog posts (which I highly recommend), she said people come and go in our lives to teach us lessons. This idea brought me a full-circle moment about how to navigate friendships and relationships. 

I am a believer that everything happens for a reason. Yes, it is cliché, but in the name of optimism, that idea is the only thing that helped me get through many life experiences. However, I used to only apply this motto to events and occasions. But, once I applied this mantra to my friendships and relationships—past and present—I felt much less resentment and guilt toward those people and myself. I began to realize that I need to think that every person comes into my life for a different reason or, better yet, another lesson. Some to teach me love, some to teach me patience, some to teach me how to bring out different parts of myself. Through this ideology, I have found it easier to reflect instead of regret my experiences with these friends. 

Here is an example. 

I used to have a best friend when I was in grades 5-7. They had joined my dance studio when they had moved to my hometown, and I think from the moment we met, we just clicked. We were inseparable. We spent nearly every day with each other for two years. They were extremely outgoing, fearless and just a burst of energy, whereas at that age, I was more shy, fearful, and extremely awkward. I don’t know why they chose me as a friend, they were naturally very popular, and I was a very awkward middle schooler, but I am so grateful they did. This friend helped me come out of my shell and find my confidence at a very early age because they had it naturally! I admired, adored and looked up to them. However, after two years of nearly spending every day together, they quit dance and moved to cheerleading, whereas I stuck with dance. They went to a different high school than me, and we naturally found different crowds. This experience was one of the more natural drifting apart experiences I had. We just grew up and went different ways. I always wondered what would have happened if we stayed as close as we did. However, I think I learnt many lessons from this person, which is what matters. They have such a wonderful, vibrant soul, and this reflected onto me at an impressionable age. They helped me gain a lot of confidence and helped me to become more outgoing. Although I have not spoken to this person in a while, I hope they are okay, and I would catch up with them if we were ever to bump into one another.

Now that is one of the better friendship experiences I have had, regarding not being besties anymore. Have all my past friendships ended like that? No, most definitely not. But even if you feel in your heart that you’re drifting away from your friends, you don’t like the way they are treating you, or you are both not right for each other, it’s not a bad thing and no one is necessarily a bad person! 

They came into your life to teach you something. From all the singing breakup songs in the car at 1:30 in the morning to whispering all night about your deepest secrets and dreams to the petty text messages you sent each other, there is something they taught you! I have had some of the closest friends I lost teach me how to listen to others, stand up for myself, and take risks. Past friends have taught me patience and how to deal with betrayal and at other times, loyalty. It’s all written in the stars, for one reason or another. 

Begin to look at friendships as opportunities for people to come into our lives to teach us lessons and hope for the best. In that case, it will continue to blossom into a mutually beneficial, fun and exciting friendship. We must be prepared for it to become a lesson rather than a forever thing. If it lasts, it was meant to be.

Also, if they see you as the villain or enemy, that is something that you will never be able to change. You just have to hope they were taught something by you as well.

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• friend advice
• friend breakups
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