The other day, I was watching a comedy special with a friend, and the comedian made a joke that he openly admitted was “victim-blaming” in reference to highly publicized sexual assault and domestic abuse allegations. The joke reminded me of something I was taught as a child, which was “Just say no.”
It didn’t matter if it was a relative talking about unwanted attention from a boy, or a teacher explaining how it is easy to not get addicted to drugs, for many years “just say no” was marketed to me as a catch-all solution for damaging behaviors and/or attacks.
I realize now that not only is this advice an excuse for the advisor to not have to deal with any problems, it is devaluing the experiences of victims and also, as the comedian labeled his offensive humor, “victim-blaming,” which is damaging not only to the victim but to the aggressor.
The “just say no” line implies many things. Firstly, the advisee is stating that it is completely the individual’s choice to not engage in drug abuse, prostitution, being sexually assaulted, being harassed, or whatever other behavior the advice is supposedly a solution for.
Illegal drug use and prostitution are two examples of what are known as “victimless crimes,” again because the actions are presumably the choice of the addict/prostitute and therefore invalidate their feelings of victimization. Not only does this exacerbate both problems, keeping prostitutes on the streets instead of seeking help they do not feel that they deserve, and lessening the support and intervention for those struggling with addiction, as bystanders have been conditioned to view addiction as a bad decision and not a disease, which it has been proven to be. (Check out Michael Bierer’s article in the Harvard Health Blog, or the American Psychology Association’s article, “What is Addiction?”, linked below, if you don’t believe me. )
In reference to sexual assault, just say no means to me the same thing that statements such as “not all men” or “not me though” mean- “Identifying this as a problem exposes a solution that I can implement, and I don’t want to. You prevent me from hurting you, I don’t want to have to take preventative measures.”
By teaching a young girl to say no to an older man trying to look at her inappropriately, you are in effect excusing that man’s behavior and classifying it as his right. One in five women are sexually assaulted, the majority of them are assaulted by their significant others, and an overwhelming majority of sexual assaults are never even reported. If we could say no, we would. (Again, this data is cited below, in case you believe I am exaggerating.)
In conclusion, don’t teach children to just say no. Educate young men to not put young women in compromising situations, and in reference to “victimless crimes,” emphasize that if an individual finds themselves in a dangerous situation, they are perfectly valid in seeking help and recovery without blame. After all, if the crime really is victimless, you haven’t been hurt by their actions, so why take out your anger on them?
But most of all, do not make a victim feel guilty for being victimized. Instead, validate their feelings and help them. If you find their behavior disgusting, I will let you in on a little secret. Refusing to help them and invalidating their struggles will not motivate them to be more like you.
https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/is-addiction-a-brain-disease-201603119260
https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/addiction/what-is-addiction