One of my friends, Katie-Ann Miller (don’t be fooled – she’s a black Jamaican), recently wrote an article titled “How To Be Passive-Aggressive Like An American” and it was hilarious. So, I decided to add on to her amazing collection of triggers with my own list of triggers although I don’t promise it’ll be very funny.
I am definitely not saying that all Americans are passive-aggressive but I am saying that a majority of Americans that I’ve met are. I also realise that writing this essay in itself is also pretty passive-aggressive but hey…it’s contagious.
- You often open up closed cases.
-
This is more than a sign that you’re passive-aggressive – it’s a sign that you’re petty and ingenuine. This looks like constantly bringing up things that you previously said were “okay”. For example, if you argued with someone over X and you both decided to move past it, opening up a closed case would be bringing up situation X when you both are arguing over situation Y in the future. Opening up closed cases could also be making vague comments that are lowkey insults but aren’t blatant enough to be considered insults. For example, telling someone, “You always get what you want, anyways” or “You always do this…but it’s okay.” Opening up a closed case could be funny as long as both parties find it funny – but once one person doesn’t find it funny, you’re going down the wrong track.
- You suggest and never insist.
-
Insist and suggest may be synonymous in the context of an essay but I’m going to try my best to spell out what the difference looks like in real time. Insisting something is making it very clear that you want it. For example, when you and your friends are trying to decide where to eat, you would say “How about X?” or “I’m feeling Y today.” After saying this, your friends would know that that is where you want to eat. Suggesting something is hinting that you might want something but not making it apparent that you do. For example, in the same situation, you would say (or even murmur) after someone has suggested eating at X, “But Z is way better than X…” or “X again??”. This way, no one knows if you want Z or if you don’t like the person who’s suggesting X.
Sis. If you want Chipotle, speak now or forever hold your peace.
- You abuse the saying “I don’t mind”.
-
I feel like I’ve said this (and will say it) a few times in this article: IF YOU WANT SOMETHING, SAY SO. The only time you should say “I don’t mind” or “I’m good with anything” or “You choose” etc is when you are completely fine with all the options available. Last time I checked, no one has the ability to read minds so make sure that everything you want people to know is said and not thought. What I’m trying to say is: The passive-aggressive way of saying what you want is not saying what you want, hoping people get the rest of the message, and being upset when they don’t.
- You love the people that you hate.
-
This is a big one that I thought only existed in movies but nope…it’s real, y’all. Loving the people that you hate simply means that instead of confronting your problems like that badass that you’re supposed to be, you avoid direct confrontation and “forgive” the people that offend you. Now, because these people are “forgiven”, they are technically back to being your “friend” so you really can’t hate them anywhere outside of your head (because you’re supposed to love your “friends”, right?). Therefore, you have no other option but to love them even though you actually hate them. This seems like such a stressful thing to do – I don’t know how people do it.
- The order of your thought process starts with “I hope I don’t seem too…”
-
This one sits on the fence of being passive-aggressive and considerate. However, I think that there is a difference between considering how others would feel about what you want and forming your words based on how others would feel. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying you should be rude or anything. I’m saying that the first step should be knowing what you want. After you know what you want, you can adjust your method of delivery while maintaining the complete message. In other words, the goal should not be to make people feel a certain way – it should be to get your point across in the most appropriate way.
- Other people are the causes of your social issues.
-
If you can attach the root of many social issues that you have to someone who is not yourself, chances are you release that feeling as passive aggression. When I say that, I mean this: because you never see yourself as the cause of any problem, the only way you think you can prevent other people from causing problems is by tolerating them or being “polite”. If you treat people with a disingenuous politeness, it is not politeness – it is passive aggression. Periodt. You need to step off your high horse and understand what your role is in the issues you face so that you can interact with people from a place of humility and clarity as opposed to tolerance and fakeness.
- Someone told you.
-
This is the easiest way to know you’re passive-aggressive. Of course, I don’t want you going around listening to people that are only trying to get you down but if a close friend whose opinion you trust suggests that you’re even a little passive-aggressive, chances are that they’re trying to soften the blow. There’s not much else to say besides that.
Whether or not you have a few traits (or all of the traits) on this list, it’s important that you know that being passive-aggressive is not a personality type. It’s something that you can change if you really want to. Also, not everyone has a problem with passive-aggression and in some places, it’s seen as being polite. However, I challenge you to consider that you can say how you feel without stepping on other people’s toes. It’s harder to learn how to do that but it’ll definitely put you in a better state of mind than never saying what you want and being pissed off (but not pissed off because technically no one did anything wrong) because no one could read your mind.
Put on your grown-up pants and be real for goodness’ sake.