Ask Scarlett: Do I Write a Letter to an Estranged Friend?

Bitchin’ Advice from a Kooky Hellraiser

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(Question edited for clarity.)

My friend group had a falling out with one of our other friends. It’s a long story, but she had issues with another girl in my friend group, which I know had nothing to do with me, but I still got involved anyway. I feel bad about cutting her off, but I know she’s angry with me and doesn’t wanna speak to me. However, I need closure. We’re in a lot of the same social circles and keeping this awkward silent tension is eating me alive. Besides that, I found out she’s been talking to other people about our ‘beef’ and I’m worried that it will blow up. I’m tired of not being forthright. Should I reach out to her? I thought about writing her a letter, but I don’t know what good it will do. I’m worried that the damage is already done​

“I need closure.” 

Did someone die? Are you getting divorced? Are you currently working through the 12 steps of AA? Closure is a rare blessing and impossible to manufacture. This situation you describe doesn’t demand closure. It demands that you treat her with respect and follow normal social codes. This is about being in right relationship with someone you used to consider a friend. It’s not the same as closure, because as long as you’re on this campus, that relationship and its falling out will live on, regardless if you reconcile or not. 

Also, ew. A letter is dramatic and juvenile. Apologize in person. Letters don’t have ears. At the basic level, it’s impolite to hand over your feelings and your perception of events without giving her room to respond. Moreover, you used to like her, right? Imagine this: it’s a crisp fall afternoon, and while you did spill coffee over your new Aerie sweater when you were walking through SW, it’s still been a pretty good day. Your professor loved your paper about the automatization of surgical procedures, and you might have a date for the RAB formal. Cute. You walk back to your room and taped on the door is an envelope with your name. Weird, but okay. Then you open it, discovering that it’s a letter from that bitch. Even before you read it, the sweat from your hands is smudging the ink, and you think your ribcage is the only thing keeping your heart in your chest. It doesn’t matter what she’s written–the fact she taped it on your door and skipped away is insulting. Even if you skim it, you’re not listening.

TL;DR: Have a conversation with her, apologize, and don’t expect one in kind. You should apologize because it’s what we do when we’re wrong–not to smooth things over so you’re comfortable. Apologies aren’t about you. It’s about the respect we deserve each other. The details you’ve given are murky, and if you are aching for an apology from her, too bad. Don’t play apology hookey. Apologize, apologize, apologize.

Here’s what you bring to this conversation: good spirits, an assumption of good intentions, and boundaries. Know what you want from this relationship going forward. Here are some good ones: that she stops talking shit even if it’s true, and that you act cordially towards each other in social situations. Then, you listen to what she wants and respect it. If she never wants to talk to you again, cool. Don’t. Let her live her life without you and move on. 

Finally, don’t do this again. You can stand by a friend who is truly wronged, but I don’t get that impression from this at all. It sounds to me that you were bored and decided to insert yourself into drama. Be kind, build friendships that can survive petty bullshit, apologize when you’re wrong, and go watch Barry. It’s a far better use of your time.

• advice
• apologies
• college
• drama
• friends
• friendship