Love is dead and hookup culture is holding the bloodied knife. Wow, I’m jaded. That’s not cute. I guess trying to find any sort of love and relationship in this day and age will do that to a person. Like, what happened to romance? I mean, think about it for a second — in the ’50s, when it was socially acceptable for men to view women as objects, there were way more people “going steady” than today. Just because it isn’t as socially acceptable to view women as objects, however, doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen (see men joking about “grabbing her by the pussy” and going on to winning the presidency). I mean, casual sex seems to be on the rise. So, realistically, have we improved in terms of women’s objectification? Because, at least from my point of view, casual sex objectifies everyone involved. Which isn’t great. Is our generation just really into objectifying each other? Are we so scared of feelings that we contort people we would have feelings for into just another warm body? And can we be honest, is sex actually healthy when there aren’t strings attached? Is that concept even possible? Sex without strings? Is casual sex what is ruining our generation? Am I now the Carrie Bradshaw of the 21st century? (The answer to the latter is, I hope not…but it looks like I am.) Do women catch feelings faster than their male counterparts? If yes, is that biology or societal expectations?
From my experience, it tends to be a theme for girls to catch feelings before guys, but there are also guys out there who catch feelings just as fast — if not faster. But there’s the whole societal concept of women being more emotional than men. This reinforces the idea of men not having feelings, so guys feel pressured to not show their emotional cards, whereas women are free to. Or are women just more emotional due to biology, so that’s where the stereotype comes from? Is this just a chicken or the egg scenario? Biology, sociology, maybe we’ll need a whole other -ology to figure this out.
Wow. My head is spinning. And in this state, I’d like to say I believe in women’s sexual expression and don’t want to take that freedom away. You may be getting that vibe from me, probably because I’ve been lowkey slamming hooking up without feelings. But I’m not slamming exactly, just questioning, because I don’t know how I feel about hookup culture. Because sex is complicated. And intimate. And scary. And women already get slammed enough as it is and I’d like this article to not slam us more. Instead, I want this article to open the door for more conversation rotating around hookup culture’s pros and cons.
You’re probably wondering why I have all these questions and opinions, and why I’m so angry with hookup culture. Or maybe I’m just projecting that wonder onto you, because, BOY, do I have a story for you. I recently hooked up with a guy, let’s call him Steve, who was not looking for anything serious, but I didn’t know that the first time we hooked up. It was one of those typical after-the-frat-party hookups (I probably should’ve guessed he wasn’t looking for anything serious). He seemed genuinely interested in me, though. He asked me questions that were somewhat probing . . . well, probing for a frat party conversation. So we went back to my dorm . . . and you can fill in the rest. After the party we continued to hang out, and by hang out I mean hookup. I was catching feelings and it honestly seemed like he was beginning to catch some, too. My roommate told me he had “heart eyes” when he walked me back one night and I could see them too. I mean no other boy has ever looked at me the way he did.
So I opened myself up to actually liking him. And man, did that blow up in my face. About a week later, anything we were was finito, done, dead, doorknobs. How did we end? Well, it started when I told him I was catching feelings. That I liked him. And, to be clear, it takes a lot for me to tell a boy I like him. When I told him, he replied, “We should probably stop this then, but if you ever need a booty call, I’m always here.” I told myself I was not going to do anything with him for a least a week, but of course I proceeded to go to his room the next night. I wasn’t intending to hook up with him, but what can I say, my lack of self-control is astounding. So we had a talk the next day that went something like this:
Steve: We actually need to stop this. You want a relationship and I don’t want that.
Me: Okay, yeah, that’s fair.
Steve: And, also, you won’t have sex and I need that, so…
Me: Wait…what?
Steve: But I still wanna be friends with you.
Me: Um, sure.
Steve: You good?
Me: Yeah, duh—why wouldn’t I be? *definitely not good*
When he found out I really wasn’t good, we had another talk. It was not a good one. It lead to me crying in a closet-sized room for at least 30 minutes after the conversation ended (I’m a sensitive bitch, what can I say?). And it was a little less cut and dry than the first one. I explained that, at least from my point of view, what he did was shitty and made him a shitty person. Saying all he wanted was sex from me was hurtful and objectifying and all around made me feel like a garbage can. He refuted my feelings with a “well, you can’t see things from my perspective.” Maybe that’s true, because I don’t understand. How can someone be okay with using someone else for sex or hooking up or just making out? How can someone be okay with just a warm body? Well, I actually asked a self-labeled “slut” (I really don’t mean this as an offensive term) about how she feels about hookup culture. She explained she does it simply for fun. Not for intimacy or commitment. In fact, it’s a turnoff for her when any amount of emotion is involved. My mind was blown, making me rethink even more.
So does Steve’s desire for just sex from someone make him a bad person? Or was it that he preyed on my feelings and used them to manipulate me into getting him off? The second point does make him terrible, but what about the sex piece? Is him only wanting to use me for sex innately bad? Because I know girls who do that and I don’t slam them like I slammed him. I think the difference is that he knew we weren’t on the same page, so I ended up feeling used and he ended up confused and frustrated. So, moral of the story: if you’re a part of the casual sex or hookup club or in any sort of relationship, make sure your partner is on the same page as you. Communication is #key. No one wants to end up feeling like a garbage can, and most people don’t want to make others feel like garbage. At least, in a perfect world, no one does.
Well, that’s all I’ve got for now,
XOXO,
your favorite dumb bitch.