We all know the abusive guy* right, he has a certain walk, talk, slander… he is an obvious douchebag and we all can easily avoid him. WRONG. There is no type, that would be too easy. Instead they are the sweet, caring, loyal type we fall in love with… and they know just how to hold on to us once we do. They are there for you when you need them, sometimes too often. They lift you up, support you, and all in all try to make you feel amazing. Until they don’t anymore.
It’s an extremely hard truth.
You see him for the man you fell in love with. The one who took you on cute dates and told you how pretty you are, the one who tried so hard. You make excuses for the first time he convinces you to bail on your family, that date was “so important” to your relationship… how could you possibly have had the same amazing quality time on another night, right?
Then, when he started telling you how your family doesn’t support you like he does, care for you like he does… that was all out of your best interest! Someone was finally in your corner, especially when it came to matters involving your siblings, right?
How about the first time you realized that the best friend you loved so much… that one you haven’t seen in months even though you go to the same school/work… they just stopped talking to you. “They’re just a bad influence.” I mean that quality time with your one true love is far more important than any party, movie, dinner, etc. with anyone else, right?
Before you know it, he truly is your whole world. By that, I unfortunately don’t mean the storybook happy ending… I mean that most of the rest of the world you have either pushed away, ignored, or altogether don’t even have them as part of your life. Now, he is all you have left, right?
Life goes on, you grow a dependance on him. More importantly, you truly do love him… I hate to break it to you though, he doesn’t truly love you back, especially not how you deserve to be loved! But you don’t see that, not yet. You see the good times, those weekly dates that have become monthly, those cute notes you stopped getting but love to read, the presents that lost their meaning (or are actually something for him, that he wrapped and let you open)… those things that in this list are obviously less than you deserve, but in the moment they make you happy. Right?
Eventually, they start to question you, and maybe even pick little fights… Its all your fault though. How could you hurt them? How could you not love them enough? That trip you went on without them three years ago, how could you? … How could you have friends of the opposite sex that you talk to, your probably cheating on him! (meanwhile he only ever talks to a million other girls, but completely tries to hide them from you, or deletes the conversations entirely)… How could you do all this to him, right?
Then, something big happens… Usually its a compromise you made to show him how much you really love him, and want him in your life. Maybe, you moved in. Oh the honeymoon phase that follows that gesture… the romance, the dates, the cuddling, the cooking in cute dinners together… this happiness could never end!… I mean… how could it ever, right?
You guys are happy for a time, and then your not… Now what was that phrase Newton used “every reaction has an equal and opposite reaction”… yeah thats true with humans too, after your highest highs you’re faced with the lowest of lows. Something sparks a fight, regardless of what it is, and it seems like it is never going to end… Until he decides to push you into the wall, maybe he slaps you, maybe he even punches you! After this, you probably run into the other room upset. That is when he hugs you, tells you he’s sorry and it’ll never happen again. The argument completely stops, you both move on, and he’s learned his lesson and how wrong he was to hurt you like that… right?
The next time will come… and the time after that.
In between there is so much love and memories made… he works so hard to make you happy and really tries to talk to you and treat you nicely. He doesn’t really bring up the argument again, well, unless he is trying to show you how wrong you actually were and how “it was all your fault,” and the entire situation could’ve been avoided if you would just “listen to him” … maybe you’re getting a little upset with this behavior, but you’re willing to ignore it or deal with it later… after all he truly loves you and would change for you, right?
At some point, what few people are left in your life will start asking questions, or not-so-subtly try to get you to question him and this entire relationship. This only drives you away further, it makes you so angry because the thought of this being one of those abusive relationships would mean he doesn’t actually love you, which obviously he does. It would mean that you fell for the game, and you’re way too smart for that. It would make you feel so small, so weak, and so worthless… so it is much easier to stay with him, in your safe space, with the love of your life because how could you ever leave him… RIGHT?
I pray that someone in your life is strong enough and cares enough to never give up on you, no matter how much it pisses you off! I pray that you listen to them. I pray that you end this cycle before the abuse becomes more normal and intimate, before he forces you to have sex with him, even when you don’t want to, before you have to hide bruises, before you feel trapped and like your whole world and his would both fall apart if you ever did leave.
You are so strong… Let me repeat myself, YOU ARE SO STRONG! More than you even know, or could ever even imagine… you can leave him, all of the people who truly love you will crawl back out of the woodwork and make you feel safe again. Your world will not fall apart. More importantly, you will find the man you deserve, one who truly does love you, and will make you feel like the only thing that ever matters. I promise.
My dream is that some day there will be an end to domestic violence, and that everyone will realize how much they deserve, and how well they should be treated, and how they should treat others. But until that day, please watch out for the warning signs, don’t make excuses, don’t give them power over your life, take control and show your strength!
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I just want to personally say that I am happy you even opened this post to read it. Even if you don’t see signs of abuse in your relationships, it is important for everyone to know about domestic violence so that we can finally bring this to an end, who knows someday you could be the friend that doesn’t give up!
Knowledge is power.
* I am using “guy” here based on my own personal experience, not because of any bias… all men/women can be either the victim or the abuser, and I am well aware of that!