Like almost every other bullied kid in middle school, I found myself relying on Youtubers for a sense of friendship. Iām not sure what lead to the intimacy that I felt with my favorite YouTubers. But, as I watched their makeup tutorials, vlogs, gaming, or commentary videos I felt like I was sharing a moment with a friend. It didnāt matter that I didnāt have many friends. I felt like I did.
One thing that made me feel really connected with these Youtubers was their stories of not fitting in at school. They would share stories of feeling lonely and like they were completely misplaced in the world. My young teenage years felt as though I was an alien place in the middle of this terrifying world. I didnāt know how to find my way but I found inspiration seeing that other people–people like me–did. I felt like these people got me.
Eventually, I found myself a little bit more high school. I was no longer bullied (although I found myself in a bad friend group). I didnāt need Youtubers as much as I used to and because of this, I lost interest. Despite unsubscribing, I wished my Youtubers well and remembered them fondly.
Around the same time, I realized that Shane Dawsonās content was horribly racist. At first, I didnāt want to believe it. I suddenly found myself gaslit and offended by my ability to passively watch acts of racism.
In a video apologizing for his racism, Shane said, āI canāt even imagine what it would be like to be black and see this white f***ing guy doing blackface and the whole Internet at that time being like, ālol.’ā.
Iāll tell you, Shane.
Part of the reason why I was bullied as a child was because of my race. When I came home I decided to seek solace in a man…who also made fun of my race. But, you preached love and told me that it was a joke. Because I desperately wanted connections to people I believed that it was a joke as well. But, I didnāt realize that I was being bullied by you too. Itās a well-known truth that people who are bullied carry this throughout their lives. Being physically bullied in middle school has affected me. Iām not confident and I have a nagging fear that people secretly pitying me.
Your effect on me is that I donāt know how to interact with my blackness. I donāt have a sense of humor outside of self-deprecation. Youāve made fun of me and people like me for so long and now Iāve carried on the torch.
Donāt get me wrong the way that I feel is my responsibility. But, I canāt help but wonder what my life would be like if I didnāt seek comfort in someone that I didnāt know. Despite the intimate feel that I got from YouTube videos, I was too young to realize that I didnāt know Shane or any of the other racist YouTubers I idolized. Now that Iām older I feel like Iām not likely to idolize someone who I donāt really know.
To the kids who are looking for friendship and companionship over a screen do it. I donāt regret my remedy for feeling lonely. But, I do urge you not to passively watch your idols. Above everything, youĀ as a person matters.