The Updated List Of All Of The Applebee’s I Am Banned From

            This whole article is just about my sordid relationship with the American food chain known to most as Applebee’s. If you’re looking for a well-thought-out article that may stir an intellectual debate, then honey, you are in the wrong god damn place. Also, this is not the final list. By the time this article is submitted and posted there’s a good chance I will have gotten banned from at least one more Applebee’s.

Okay, let’s begin.

• Applebee’s, Newtown PA
  • Banned for a number of reasons, the most noteworthy being that I would routinely play “What’s New Pussycat” by Tom Jones in a vain attempt to rip off John Mulaney’s iconic bit about the Salt and Pepper Dinner. I thought it was funny, and to their credit, the wait staff did seem amused the first twenty times I did it, but by the twenty-first time they had enough of me.
• Applebee’s, Warminster PA
  • Banned for shouting “I want the bees!” when I walked into the restaurant. This banning holds the current record for “quickest and most efficient banning” as I was politely (but sternly) asked not return in under twenty seconds (a record low).
• Applebee’s, Doylestown PA
  • Banned for writing “you’re cute” on my receipt and leaving a number for my waiter. You may be thinking to yourself “how is that bad?” and I want you to understand that I didn’t leave MY number but I left A number. I gave my waiter the number for the Chili’s across the street that had much better service (I am oddly not banned from that Chili’s).
• Applebee’s, Willow Grove PA
  • I actually don’t know what I did to get banned from this particular establishment. I’m assuming it had something to do with making a tower out of sugar packets but in retrospect, my tower wasn’t impressive or disruptive enough to warrant an all-out banning. I think this banning was an inside job and my theory is that my jilted waiter from the Doylestown Applebee’s called ahead and got me banned, which is unfortunate because he was cute.
• Applebee’s, South Philadelphia PA
  • This one is actually my fault (well, they’re all my fault, but I was trying to get banned at the other places). I accidentally said that I thought Tom Brady was kind of cute in a douche-y way during the Superbowl last year and some guy in an Eagles jersey literally threw me out of the restaurant. I don’t even think he worked there!
• Applebee’s, Trenton NJ.
  • I yelled about the bees again. I was banned in about a minute and a half.
• Applebee’s, West Trenton NJ
  • You guessed it: yelling about the bees got me banned from this Applebee’s. I got banned in almost three minutes.
• Applebee’s, Princeton NJ
  • I don’t even remember what I did to get kicked out in the first place, I just know I’m not allowed to come back into this establishment for any reason whatsoever, which is kind of sad because they had really good pretzels.
• Applebee’s, Savannah GA
  • This is the only Applebee’s I am banned from down south, so it holds a special place in my heart. I think I kept singing “Take Me Home Country Roads” during karaoke night and the manager banned me because he was jealous of my raw, unabashed singing talent. That, or because I drank seven margaritas when the limit was two.

Disclaimer: I am not actually banned from any of these places, I just think this is funny and want you to have a good chuckle or two.

• funny
• humor
• joke