Do you think the words “quiet” and “nice” are synonyms? As a person who was both “quiet” and “nice” growing up, I debate the same within myself. Quiet people are often stereotyped into being nerdy, smart, cold, closed off; the list goes on. I would be silent as a mouse in social situations; clinging onto my mom soundlessly as the black hole of a kindergarten door loomed in front of me a staircase down, silently bouncing basketballs down the court at 4th grade basketball practice to avoid interaction with my teammates, hearing endless “I’ve never heard her talk” comments from fellow choristers at chorus in middle school. Teachers knew me as shy and quiet on my report cards, my parents were frustrated I was so introverted everywhere I went. I was insecure and unsure of how to navigate myself outside of the familiar bounds of my home. Making friends was challenging, I envied those around me who seemed to so easily surround themselves with a laughing group of faces.
In my current state, however, being quiet is something I embrace about myself. I appreciate that it also compliments my other qualities, such as being empathetic and a good listener. I have also evolved my skills and personality to be social when I have to, otherwise to keep my serene demeanor when talking is not needed. I am a natural observer at heart and spend most of my energy in my head, processing and analyzing my surroundings. I often find that I attach myself to an extroverted person that contrasts my shy self; a few of my close friends in the past were all very talkative and outgoing. I enjoyed being their “quieter shadow”, letting their louder selves amplify my softer voice. This led me to be generally liked by everyone, just a neutral, unobjected presence that loomed in the background. Those who knew me knew me, those who didn’t didn’t.
In my childhood, the downsides of being quiet were often being crudely remarked on or unfairly judged. But now, I find those difficulties have managed to manifest themselves in different forms. I often struggle with the fear of being “too nice”, concerned that my quiet, overly agreeable personality is a green light for an overstep of boundaries. One too many times I’ve tolerated a never-ending rant from a friend, an overbearing comment from my mom, saying “ok” in times I should’ve pushed for more explanation. Those insignificant-seeming situations would always build into major catastrophes, causing me to grow resentful and bitter towards the person or situation. For not being more courageous to tell that friend, “your negativity is very toxic to me.” I’m angry at myself for overstaying a toxic “relationship” with someone for a year longer than I should’ve. Most of all, for not being more of an advocate for myself in the past, letting my amicable self be used as a punching bag instead of a voice of reason.
Life can always be unpredictable, just like the changes in personality within myself, ever so gradually or quickly shifting to fit my current state. 2023 was perhaps the year I finally am cutting the negativity out of my life for good. I am tired of being that agreeable person that can just be overstepped. I won’t be a jerk about it, but if need be, I will remove someone from my life. It’s nothing to be proud about, a blocked list that goes one name too long could often point the finger of blame back to yourself. While this is still a work of progress, I only intend to move forward with my authentically quiet self, that aims to continue looking on in the world with my prior experiences and lifestyle right at hand.