An Open Letter to My Toxic Ex

To my ex,

At one time in our relationship, you convinced me that not only did I need you, but I was unworthy of you. I was unworthy of love – yours or anyone elses. You had me convinced that I was nothing; simply a waste of space. At one point, I believed every lie you fed me. 

I can not believe how I lost my own self worth, my confidnece, my will to thrive in life and my faith in God. All for what? A relationship? A love that was toxic and selfish? I am not proud of who I was. I am not remotely okay with how easily I was destroyed. I am not proud that I allowed you to break me down so far and I gave so much of myself to you, all to get hurt in the end.  

I never in my wildest dreams imagined that you would turn my closest friends against me, make me remove them from my social media and eventually life because you were scared, jealous, and fighting your own demons. Your demons caused me pain. They broke me more than anything. I thought this was okay. It was just a stage. Things happen in life that I can’t change, but I was wrong…about you, our relationship, and myself. 

I am not the woman I was before. I am more than that. Instead, as much as I never really thought I would tell you this, thank you. Thank you for walking into my life, destroying my self confidence, my friendships, and my mental health. Thank you for being your toxic self and hurting me. I would not be the person I am today without it. I have learned so many things from what you did to me and who you are. 

I have learned that God is the only true love I need in my life. I rebuilt my relationship with him. I rebuilt myself. I was able to figure out who I was and who I want to be during this season. I learned that one day when the time is right, God will give me a spouse who IS worthy of my love and who will love me for me. One day I will get the spouse whom I deserve. I have realized that my flaws, the ones you hated, I love even more now. I began going to the gym again and am loving my ability to be me. I love that I am able to be free and do my own thing. It’s a new found freedom. I learned just how to fix the flaws that I may dislike in order to better myself and others. 

I have learned how to fight back and not allow others to tear me down. I have found a new found appreciation for my own self woth. I am not what you made me, a weak and flawed girl. Instead, I am strong because I overcame your toxicity. I am what I made myself into. I overcame the abuse. With God’s help, I can overcome not only my smallest mole hill battles, but my huge mountain battles.

I would be lying to you and myself if I didnt tell you that you still haunt me. In my dreams, in my low points, all the things you told me come flooding back at times. A constant reminder that I once fell so low. But no more. I pull myself out as I have many times before. 

Sincerely,

The girl who’s stonger than before