In this month of celebration of all kinds of love, whether it be romantic love February 14, love of all things black with black history month, or even loving your heart health via heart health month, what better time to dig into one of the most important types of love: self-love.
But I want to dig into a very specific aspect of self-love. A form of self-love that can be a challenge to carry out. That is, loving yourself enough to be vocal when you have a valid concern.
Sometimes, it’s easier to just let it ride. Sometimes, it’s more in our comfort zone to be passive-aggressive, meaning find an indirect way to drop a hint about it, hoping the other party picks up what we’re trying to lay down. It is good of course, to pick our battles because some grievances are not worth addressing. However, there are many instances when we should vocalize and we don’t. Especially women, and especially black women.
My question to myself and to anyone reading this is this: If the alternative to not being vocal, is being mistreated, misquoted, misunderstood, unclear, or appearing to be complicit with disrespect towards you, is it worth it? And is it self-love if you stay quiet while any of those activities are happening to you?
Let me rephrase: Does our desire to be seen as easy to get along with outweigh our desire to speak up for ourselves concerning things that are happening to ourselves by others? And would you consider it, self-love, to appease that desire over appeasing your right to speak up?
Why do we do this?
1) We want to be liked. Somewhere along the way, we are taught to not appear as difficult and not to rustle feathers. We are told that we want to avoid backlash, retaliation, or even just a reputation for being “hard to work with.” We are even told that, if we want to “catch a man,” we don’t want to seem mean, rude, or not soft.
2) We are uncomfortable with confrontation. Most women are naturally non-confrontational and being vocal is too close to confrontational. We don’t want to fight, we don’t enjoy it, so it’s just easier to be quiet.
3) We fear the outcome. We think about, what if we worked up the nerve to say something, and it is misunderstood because it came out wrong? What if who we vocalized to, comes back harder and stronger? What if, they don’t care about our concern and they continue to do what they want, so now things are just weird and we’re in the same boat as we were before we vocalized.
Why should you do it anyway?
1) Because whether family (Yes, including parents), friends, classmates, co-workers, peers, and most of all, significant others; anyone that loves you, likes you or at the very least respects you as a human being will not, I repeat NOT be upset by you vocalizing. In any healthy relationship, communication is not only necessary for success but desired! They should want to hear your questions, comments, concerns, and even feelings about something they may have said or done. Anyone that has an issue with you speaking up, is either a narcissist that feels they are above accountability or feedback, an immature communicator that thinks your speaking up is an attack, or they only liked being around you because they didn’t think you’d ever say anything. To this point, it can be a very eye-opening thing and give you insight on all of your “ships.”
2) Because even if you don’t get the response you hoped for, it’s important to still speak up. They can accept it, they can
reject it, they can completely choose to misinterpret it, or they may even fall back from you. They may not even respond to it at all. And sometimes it’s ignored because it makes the person you address uncomfortable. Please know it’s not you saying it that makes them uncomfortable, it’s them being held accountable with no way out, that makes them uncomfortable. But that’s ok. You can only control yourself, but at least they know where you stand. And your statement can stand alone. Whether it’s received or not, doesn’t make it less valid, or important.
3) Because there’s a difference between being vocal and being confrontational.
Confrontational means, “tending to deal with situations in an aggressive way; hostile or argumentative.” Vocal means,“Expressing oneself freely or insistently.” Vocal has this connotation that comes with people thinking being vocal is being combative or trying to create dissension.
4) It’s needed for success. There is not one successful person alive that hasn’t developed the ability to speak up for
themselves. Whether it’s because something isn’t right, or someone is making a decision that they don’t agree with, it’s necessary to find your voice and use it to dictate your future. Especially if you’re planning on being a future businesswoman or leader. Trust me, Oprah, Beyonce, and Rihanna are being vocal with no apologies. Why? Because when it comes to disrespect, Self-love is loving yourself enough to be vocal about things being done to you, even if it makes others uncomfortable and even if it makes you appear as difficult. Don’t fear being seen as difficult and as a matter of fact, tell them: “Fine, call me difficult, while you’re calling me difficult, please multitask and also correct the wrong done here.”
How to be vocal?
1) Be confident. Don’t try to change your voice to a baby voice, or add humor and laughs to it, or even try to back into it. You have a right to speak up, so don’t hide behind shyness.
2) Be clear. Minimize the emotion and just say what you want to say. Examples include: “When you said this, it made me feel this way.” or “I am not completely on board with this decision and I would like us to discuss it further.” or “I was confused by the comment and I wanted to see if I could get some clarity.”
3) Be respectful and open to dialogue. No need to yell, call someone out of their name, or attack them if they don’t agree. No need to bring up the past or the future. Just say your piece, hear them out, and decide how you want to move forward. And thank them for their time and being open to a conversation, because many are not.
4) Be ok with moving on with new boundaries or if things are resolved, let it stay there. If the outcome of the conversation is, agreeing to disagree, or ending whatever “ship” it is, then that’s fine, no hard feelings. But if it’s squashed/cleared up/resolved/forgiven, then let it be that. The people in my life and I, we get it all out, say what we have to say, and move on! There’s no lingering coldness or shortness in the next conversation. We don’t say we are fine but then start acting funny. We are committed to moving forward because life is too short.
Enjoy this month of love, and I hope you love yourself this month too.