A Queer Query

First of all, happy National Coming Out Day! 

In honor of highlighting the voices of queer people all around the country (and world), let’s have a conversation around the way we speak to and about queer individuals in society.

As I have grown more aware and comfortable in my own queer identity over the years, I have collected a list of phrases that aren’t all inherently offensive or “wrong,” but don’t exactly uplift the LGBTQIA+ community. Here’s just a few:

“That’s so gay.”

Oh boy, starting off real strong here. This phrase has to be the most explicit (and outwardly derogatory) example of poor language related to queerness. I know this is definitely a more “dated” expression that many Gen X and millennials seem to use, but I would be lying if I said I have never heard these words slip out of the mouths of one of my peers. Stop and think about what this sentence means. 

When you are equating something bad to something that is “gay,” what are you meaning by that? That somehow being gay is something wrong, gross, or the opposite of something good? 

Keep this out of your vocab – it’s insanely hurtful and perpetuates a negative connotation to queerness. 

And if you’re still confused, just watch that Hilary Duff commercial from the early 2000’s; she paints a pretty clear picture of why society needs to denormalize this phrase. 

Girlfriends

Again, this term that is often used to refer to girl, space, friends is something I hear my grandparents use way more than anyone my own age but drawing attention to this word is still important. 

As someone who actually has a girlfriend (please note the intentional lack of a space used there), I cannot count the number of times I have mentioned her or introduced her to new people as my girlfriend and people do not realize that we are dating. 

There are many layers to this conversation, including how I do not always “come out” to new people that I meet (not because I am ashamed but because I don’t believe in needing to do that…see my article from last semester on this topic if you’re interested in reading more) and because my girlfriend and I do not always “look the part” (please sense my large eye roll through your screen). 

But at least a little to blame for this “confusion” comes from the looseness of the term girlfriend in society. When I speak of my girlfriend, many people may just think I am talking about a friend of mine that also happens to be a girl, because that is a term that many people use to describe their completely platonic friends that are girls. 

Personally, I have never used that word when talking about my friends because I do not feel the need to clarify the genders of the people I am referring to. I know some people do this with their “guy friends,” but I have never heard anyone use the term “boyfriend” to describe their friend that is a boy. There is a clear difference in how boyfriend and girlfriend are thrown around in society. 

And that difference is what causes so much stress and frustration for many queer individuals, including myself.

Am I telling you that you are being homophobic when you describe your girl space friends as your girlfriends? Absolutely not. But, could some awareness around why using that word exclusively for girlfriends and not girl space friends help queer individuals feel more validated in their own relationships and provide societal clarity around the use of that term? I think so. 

Use that term however you choose. But I don’t think there’s any harm in removing the girl prefix from the word when talking about platonic friendships. 

Kissing your girl space friends

Please, as you read this, note that this is my personal opinion and experience and not the objective truth or right answer. 

I understand this is a touchy and somewhat controversial subject. I have spent a lot of time picking apart and debating the realness of the damage that two non-queer individuals kissing can have on the LGBTQIA+ community. 

Here’s the conclusion that I have come to:

If you are a girl and you have the urge to kiss another girl, think about why you have this urge.

1. You want to kiss a girl because you want to kiss a girl. 
2. You want other people around you to see you kissing a girl and react. 
3. You want to take a picture to show other people or post later on for the shock factor or reaction that you are kissing a girl.

If you fall under reason two or three, you are (intentionally or unintentionally) undermining the validity of queer relationships. Kissing a girl for a reaction from others actually makes a laugh out of an act that queer people consider to be their true form of love in their romantic relationships. 

If you wouldn’t do it “just for laughs” with someone of the opposite gender, maybe think about why applying that rule for people of the same gender would be respectful towards the queer people in your life. 

Reframe your words

In the spirit of National Coming Out Day, let’s remember that not everyone should have to/will “come out” to you specifically. That doesn’t mean you should assume they are straight until proven queer. 

Little changes in your language can help both out and closeted queer people feel like they have a place in any conversation. 

When you are getting to know a new friend, instead of asking “Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?”, reframe your words to ask “Are you dating anyone?” Just this small change in the words you use can allow queer people to have a blank slate when sharing parts of their life and identity without having to preemptively correct your assumptions. You create a supportive, gender-neutral conversation that prevents people from having to “come out” to every new person they meet (which, no matter what anyone tells you, can get really annoying after a while). 

A final note

If you’ve made it this far in the reading, please heed this warning: do not think you are some accidental bigot. I am simply sharing my own personal experiences surrounding normalized phrases that maybe shouldn’t be so normal. If you identify with any of these scenarios, I am not here to reprimand you or call you a homophobe. How are you expected to ever learn if you’ve never been given a different perspective before?

What I will say is that I do not speak for all queer people. I speak for myself as a queer person. But, if my anecdote can cause even just one person to potentially rethink how they appreciate and uplift the other queer people in their life, then I think I’ve done my piece. 

Congrats to all those who celebrate this day, I’m so proud of you and your journey! And for those that are still unsure or in the closet, don’t rush yourself! You are just as valid as anyone else, out or not! 

Let’s use this day to remind ourselves to spread a little more peace and love – happy National Coming Out Day!

• #queer community
• love
• mental health