I have officially been on campus for six weeks, although it feels like it has been much, much, longer than that. As a freshman, I had anticipated moving in for months before actually moving in, and by anticipated, I mean dreaded, like a screaming, crying, throwing up type of dread.
I have never been one to embrace change. I resist it as hard as I can, and while it has certainly backfired on me in the past, it’s simply my nature- I can’t help it!
I ate up the narrative TikTokers feed young, impressionable college freshmen, that you can be anyone in college. This concept was my holy grail, and probably got me through the first few weeks of college life. As someone who believes in the law of attraction, I went on a full manifestation journey.
Despite my chronic anxiety about moving into college, I had pledged to myself that I was going to challenge myself to grow and make the best of the situation. In some ways, I crushed this promise, but in other ways, I did not excel as I had planned.
Classes, in particular, proved to be an area that needs to be worked on. I envisioned my highest self in classes: she sits in the front, raises her hand, and chats with people beside her. She is beauty. She is grace. I am not her, or not yet at least. I strayed from my idealized self in the aspect, assuming my rightful role as a background character, slouching in the back row silently.
Of course, this presents challenges in the social aspect, probably my biggest fear pre-move-in, and rightfully so. I’m severely confused as to how everyone had formed a friend group before arriving on campus. On freshman move-in day, people were already situated in their separate clans, unwilling to branch out. I’m guilty of this too.
I arrived on campus early to train for cross country and a week of bonding with the team. At first, it was painfully awkward, and I questioned my every move as well as everything I said. However, being isolated in a new space with a group of people forces you to build fast, tight bonds. So, when everyone else moved onto campus, I relished in my new friendships. I wish I had taken advantage of everyone’s social agency and been more friendly early on, but this is a discussion for another time.
For whatever reason, I wholeheartedly believed that I would cease to exist when I stepped foot onto campus. My backward solipsism challenged my relationships at home. In this new alternate reality, I forgot to check in with my friends and family. This, however, was quickly remedied, and I am now in a good routine of checking in with my sisters and parents.
That being said, I was a little butthurt when I didn’t receive floods of texts from friends at home. Then I thought back to my lack of communication when I was in their situation, and the common assumption that reaching out would be bothersome, which I now understand is incorrect. Now, instead of reverting to my petty ways and waiting for someone to text first, I’ve started checking in periodically.
The dorms were surprisingly a quick adjustment. It’s truly amazing how quickly you can become unfazed by formally gag-inducing sights. (Shower shoes definitely go a long way.) And sharing a room has been unproblematic and not nearly as awkward as I had envisioned. (It also helps that my roommate is a fantastic person.) Although, my dorm is still strictly referred to as “my room” rather than “home,” a word I am slowly becoming more comfortable with expanding the definition of.
Today, someone asked me if I thought I had made the right choice by coming to St. Bonaventure. I hesitated but eventually decided that the answer was yes. While the initial change was inevitably scary and lonely, it produced invaluable experiences and fulfilling friendships. I’m thankful I landed here, and I’m excited to continue to grow into my new college life.