“Are You Sure?”

The first thing I hear when I tell people I don’t want my own kids is never why. It is always: are you sure? You will regret that or even the iconic, you’ll change your mind. 

One of my most important identities to me is that of being a woman. My womanhood and femininity are something I cherish and appreciate. As someone with a uterus, I have the ability to bear children. That is a gift that I cherish, although, personally, it is not my wish.  

I have known since I was in middle school that I wanted to adopt. I did research into the foster system in the United States and felt a calling to it. Ever since then, I have felt like I am meant to be a foster parent. I am meant to be a voice of good in a sea of bad. 

The foster system is not all bad, but it causes undeniable trauma on all who bear the pain of having to live through it. I cannot change the entire system, but I can be a drop of good.  

The reasons that I do not want to personally have kids are far and wide ranging from generally not being interested in having children of my own, to my relationship with my eating disorder. 

I am aware that I could always change my mind, and I am not completely closed off from that happening in my future, but just because it is an option for me does not mean I appreciate people saying this to me every time I share my opinion. 

It is my body; I am the one carrying the child. If I do not want to bear my own children, it should not effect your life. 

I have heard concern from others telling me that if I adopt I will never love that child as if they were my own. That the love you feel for a child you birthed is greater than any other. They say that if I have my own child as well I will love that child more than my adopted child.  

This was the statement that shocked me the most. While I understand having a connection to a child you birthed, that in no way means that you love your adopted child any less. 

In our world, it is expected that women have children. I have never heard the phrase “if you have children” it is always “when you have children”. Instead of being a gift as it should be, it is seen as a duty. I feel people push having children on me, claiming my world will be so much worse without them.   

I never said I did not want to raise kids; I said I don’t want to give birth to my children. This is definitely an unpopular opinion, but it is not one that should be discounted. There are so many women who want to adopt or do not want kids at all, and their opinions are real and valid, and they should be taken that way. 

I believe that giving birth is a beautiful thing. In my career, I hope to be a part of the process, as my aspiration is to be an OB/GYN and to be the person in the room when, suddenly, a new life appears that was not there before, but for me, right now, it’s a no. 

My opinion has become increasingly strong within the past few weeks. As the world is facing a great political divide, the county now fights not just for the economy and humanitarian aid, but for my own rights.  

I do not want to have children, for I fear they would live in a world of injustice and hatred. I do not want children, for I fear I would have a girl. A girl who would have to face sexism from the day she entered the world.  

It is time we fight, because it is not right that one of the reasons I do not want kids is because of how they will view the world, and of how the world will view them.  

I will be there for the children who were already forced to face this battle, the children who were forced into unready homes. I know it is hard to be a foster parent, but I refuse to let this system continue to dictate how women and children are treated.  

• birth
• children
• foster
• kids
• woman