Trigger Warning: Brief mention of substance use, talk of anxiety
My entire life I have struggled with anxiety. I have been put on sleeping medication and anxiety medication before to help maintain the issue. But what I find to be most helpful to me is art.
Again, we are back to 7th grade me, the root of my anxiety. That year is when I began to see the true person my father was, and it wasn’t a good one.
When the issues arose, therapy just wasn’t an option I wanted. I’ve tried it, don’t get me wrong, it’s just one of those things I can’t bring myself to do. Talking about the most raw parts of me to a complete stranger just scared me, which is ironic considering that’s what I’m doing with these articles.
Being the stupid kid I was, I didn’t resort to anything good in those years. Instead, I began vaping and smoking weed.
Not my best choice.
I got caught. It’s not like I was some sneaky kid; my mom could see right through me. It also didn’t help that she worked at the school I was going to. That made it easier for her to find out everything, especially the things I didn’t want her to know.
I’ve always been an artsy kid though. Crafts were a huge part of my childhood, whether we were painting little statues, or layering colored sand in a cool jar. I loved art.
When my mom found out about what I had been doing to cope with my mental health, she was livid. But part of her was understanding because she too has been through hardships and is a school counselor, meaning she has seen worse.
She explained to me that the art I enjoyed doing was a better way for me to handle things. So, I listened and that’s what I began to do.
Painting, writing, and photography. That’s what my life became.
These were all things that were already a part of my life. I just began to focus on them more.
Painting was first. Whether I was working on a canvas, my closet and bedroom door, or even my legs. Painting was one of my favorite ways to soothe my thoughts. Feeling the brush strokes through my hand created a sense of peace in my mind. It was the white flag waving in surrender mid war in my head.
My room is filled with these paintings now. I have a wall full of canvases each a different style of art. My closet doors and bedroom door were my biggest painting projects. They took forever to do but it was one of the best times for me. Not only do the colors brighten my room and add character to it, but the time I spent working on them were some of the quietest times in my head.
Photography came next. I’ve always loved photography, having gotten my first camera in 6th grade after going out on the water and a family friend showed me how to use their camera. I will forever be grateful for them teaching me a little bit about what they do for work because now it’s what I want to do with my life.
No matter what I am photographing – people, landscapes, animals – being behind my camera erases all thoughts. My focus is purely on my subject in the frame. I continuously experiment with my photography, trying new editing skills, and new photoshoot concepts. Photography is something I have grown to love more and more each time I pick up my cameras. (Plug for myself real quick, go check out my photography Instagram @photos.by.annmarie.)
Now my favorite form of art, writing.
Many don’t realize writing is a form of art, but it is. Writers paint an image but with their words, and those images flow through me. I could be writing an essay or the rawest poetry and everything stops for a second.
Even writing these articles soothes my mind.
Along with being a photographer, I also want to take my writing skills and become an author. The words flowing on the page take me to a new life. Writing my own stories transfers me to another world where my reality doesn’t exist.
I know that may sound like avoidance but it’s not. No matter what, the problems are still there but writing focuses my brain on something else. It calms me and allows me to come back to those issues later with a clearer head. Especially when I write poetry.
Most of my poetry is about these struggles. However, even though I am focusing my writing on my pains, it helps me get it all out. I get my strongest emotions out on the paper. Which helps dial back those strong emotions, so they feel lighter to carry.
I’m not saying art is going to work for everyone. But it worked for me, and I think it is something everyone should think about trying. Even if it’s not art, finding something that brings you happiness and focusing on it can help. Sports, friends, reading, anything. These are all things that I have done that have helped me get through the worst times of my life.
And know that there is always someone out there who is experiencing similar feelings. You always have someone who will be there for you even if you don’t realize it. We are not alone in this world.