You’re always one decision away from a totally different life.
Hi friends! I decided to write about love for you all, and keep in mind that when I mention “love,” I mean real, complicated, annoying love… not fake fantasy love. This is a very personal aspect of my life that I have struggled with for many years and I feel you all will truly benefit from hearing about my experiences with it. Keep in mind that I possess a unique perspective on this topic, considering I have never been in a relationship before, until now. Speaking 100% honestly, I spent most of my life waiting around, expecting for God to present my soulmate to me on a silver platter. Although, these past two semesters I learned that sometimes what you are desperately searching for could be right in front of your eyes. Trust me, I understand that being patient can become excruciatingly painful, and at that point it is just a matter of opening your eyes, and most importantly your heart when you feel ready.
As I mentioned before, I have never had a boyfriend until now (@ChazSchwenk). Yes, I am 19 years old and this is my first relationship ever. This might be shocking to some people, considering I am in college meeting new people all the time, but to put it simply, I am extremely picky when it comes to who I allow into my life. To begin, in high school I remember feeling like there was something wrong with me because not one guy I met would stick around long enough to get to know me on a deeper level. I always felt like I needed to play “catch-up” with my friends because they already experienced multiple relationships. If you are currently feeling this way, whether you are in high school or not, I want you to know that you are normal and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. From an outsider’s perspective who has been through it all, I promise you that high school is not the time or place to worry about searching for love. College, on the other hand, is a whole different world.
Heading into college, I was hopeful that my social life would flourish and therefore my love life would get better. Except throughout my freshman year of college, I will admit, I made the mistake of lowering my self-worth to gain the attention I wanted from guys. Looking back on it now, I realize just how unfulfilling the attention was; never genuine, never consistent, never positive. Do not get me wrong, this taught me a lot about myself, but I wish I spent more time figuring out who I was as a person before investing myself in so many other people. Truthfully, college is the perfect opportunity to explore who you are as an individual first and then to explore other individuals for who they are. If that means stumbling across someone who you automatically connect with, go for it! Getting to know somebody new can never hurt because if nothing else comes out of it, you will gain a new friend.
Back to the story of Chaz, him and I met at the beginning of freshman year during “Welcome Days” because we majored in the same study at the time. From then on, we were dedicated study buddies who never went without going to the library together a few times a week. During classes, he was always doing whatever he could to annoy me, throwing notes at me and making me laugh about silly things during silent moments. As everyone says, when a guy is constantly bothering you it means that he likes you. In this case, it was 100% true (so a little tip: look out for those ones, they are the good ones).
Throughout freshman year, again, I got to know several different guys, but I never found myself thinking of Chaz as someone I would be interested in romantically. I viewed him as one of my best guy friends who always happened to be there for me when I needed it most. For example, when I got my concussion from cheerleading and I was crying on the phone to my mom in a state of panic, he was there with me. The funny thing is, he tells me now that he basically always thought I was the biggest nerd and drama queen he ever met.
Little did I know, he developed a crush on me throughout the whole year. Except, I never recognized it. Whenever he would try to explain his feelings for me or attempt to ask me out on a date, I would immediately put my guard up because I feared taking our friendship to a romantic level, let alone did I think it was possible. I was very attracted to the overly conceded ***holes who kept me chasing; I was addicted to this rush and therefore, when Chaz slowed it down, it was different. He turned things completely upside down in the sense that he never left me doubting him or teased by him. Instead, he kept things straightforward because he knew what he wanted (a relationship with me) and he was not going to stop until he got it.
By the end of freshman year, we ended up having our first kiss after he used his glowing ceiling stars to woo me, lol. Over that summer, we spoke over the phone and FaceTimed almost every single day, sharing everything with each other including all my adventures in New York City. Often times, we discussed what it would be like to date each other, but I was always too indecisive to come to a solid conclusion on the possibility. When Sophomore year began, things between Chaz and I were not good. We ended the summer on bad terms because of many misunderstandings and he started talking to other girls. Going to the dining hall, walking around campus, or even browsing Snapchat and seeing him with other girls was torture for me. I could not help but think to myself that they were not good enough for him and that he deserved so much better.
After endless hostility, confusion, and pure heartache brewed among us, one day it was too much for me to handle and I broke down in tears in front of my best friend, Calsey (shoutout to her for always believing in Chaz). I realized that I did this to myself because in the end, the decision was always in my hands and I let it slip away. A distinct point of reference in which I knew he was meant to be in my life was when my (newly endeavored) hip-hop show was coming up, and all I wanted was for Chaz to be there because I knew how proud he would make me feel. If you ever begin to feel as if you are missing a piece of your life because a certain someone is not in it any longer, do not give up because it is never too late and you’re always one decision away from a totally different life.
Finally, I took a leap of faith and made the decision to simply say “yes” to Chaz, to a date with him, to pictures with him, to being his girlfriend. You might be wondering how I pulled him out from such a deep and dark hole he had buried himself in to protect himself from my unstable emotions, so this is how it went… I demanded that he come over to my room (any other bossy Leo’s out there?) because we needed to have an important conversation. Apparently, he was already late to working on a project with his current fling so this meeting needed to be quick, therefore, I got straight to the point and burst into tears. I confessed to him that I was doing myself no good by trying to push him away, and that I was now 100% ready to take a risk and try this with him.
Of course, his response to me was hesitant at first, as anyone would be after hearing such spontaneous, shocking news. Although after he witnessed how hard I was beating myself up over the whole dilemma, he decided to take one last chance on me, and this was going to be it. If I messed it up, he was done. During the beginning stages of our new relationship, I felt a bit pressured to hold everything together all the time so that I would not scare him away. Eventually, this pressure faded and our relationship became as easy as our friendship. Plus, look at us now! I have never been happier in my entire life, and I can confidently say that I am completely in love with him.
I know this is probably the longest article I have written, but I want to thank all of you who got through it all and took the time to listen to me. The single decision to open my heart up to an amazing person who I truly do deserve is the best decision of my life so far, and I hope I at least inspired some of you to do the same. One last tip: look for love in the unexpected places, like in a friend :)
xo, Samantha Nicole
This article was originally published on www.styledwithconfidence.wordpress.com