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Culture

I don’t wear hats, and everyone can tell!

Ana Dobrot
The opinions expressed in this article are the writer’s own and do not reflect the views of Her Campus.
This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at SBU chapter.

I am not someone who frequently wears hats, but every time I do, I have to battle an initial bout of earth-shattering shame. This feels so wrong. Everyone is going to know I never wear hats.

I know this hat-wearing impostor syndrome is a common phenomenon. I also know that nobody pays any mind to what’s on my head. Nonetheless, I am forced to jump this hurdle every time I deviate from my hatless norm.

This fear of “being found out” as an amateur has a history of popping up every time I try something new. I spent my early teen years trying to prove (to myself?) that I was a worthy member of the communities I was already a part of; pursuing some impossible threshold of “good enough” to call myself a gymnast, a cellist, a future doctor. Trying new things, failing and being immediately clocked as incompetent was out of the question.

Obviously, this is an unsustainable way to live, especially as a child in the midst of a pandemic. I have been forced to be an amateur, to fail, and I’ve learned to love doing things I am bad at. I’ve discovered new hobbies like rock climbing and aerial silks. I’ve expanded my skills in new ways as a classically trained cellist. I had never improvised on my instrument until last year when I first played with an electric guitarist and a pianist. I’ve allowed myself to revisit old passions like writing and making visual art. I know I’m not particularly exceptional at any of these things, and I’m ok with that now.

And yet…

I still sometimes get that gnawing feeling of shame when I fail (or fail to excel), like it’s a feeble unfed animal in the back of my head, making a last-ditch effort to be acknowledged. I still sometimes find more academic motivation in a primal need to prove my worth as a pre-med student than in the love of learning. I still get nervous being a public beginner and when I try to pair a hat with an outfit.

I know this feeling is trying to protect me.

It’s ok to be clumsy, I reassure it. It is my turn to protect this fearful part of me. It’s ok to fail. It’s ok to be less than you expected or less than was expected of you.

It is only with this freedom that new growth is possible.

Ana Dobrot

SBU '27

Ana is a sophomore Bioinformatics major at St. Bonaventure University, on the BS/MD track with George Washington School of Medicine and Health Sciences. For Her Campus, she writes about anything she finds interesting and memorable week to week. Ana is a NYS certified EMT and runs with her campus EMS crew. She hopes to become a pediatric emergency physician, so she spent the summer as a summer camp health director administering meds and dealing with minor injuries like dislocations. She is also a paid peer support person on campus. In her free time, Ana plays the cello on her own and in an improv band, makes art, reads, writes, lifts, hikes, climbs rocks, and falls off of rocks. She also enjoys advocating for gender equality and eating disorder awareness.