People often talk about perfectionism in academics and the internal pressures to perform their best at work or in artistic pursuits. But I never really hear a discussion about the pressures to be perfect in interpersonal relationships and it is something I really struggle with.
It seems there is an unspoken set of rules about how to behave in relationships, whether with strangers, acquaintances, friends, best friends, professors, bosses, or family. Unfortunately, I must have been absent on the day when this invisible rulebook was handed out.
Of course, I am aware that one must be kind, caring, polite, and respectful to all people and I like to think that I meet those requirements. But beyond that, I often feel lost under social pressures or cues and feel that I am always saying or doing the wrong things.
In every interaction I have with someone, I am constantly thinking about what I am “supposed” to say or if I am making the other person feel as awkward as I do.
It can be difficult to connect with acquaintances, bosses, doctors, professors, or really with anyone in situations where small talk is required. I think this is a natural thing that most people find uncomfortable at times.
These awkward interactions are not limited to people outside of close relationships though. Some days, I take hours to hype myself up enough to hang out with people I have known for years because I fear that I have nothing interesting to say, that I may bore them, or make them question our relationship. Family parties are a nightmare and going out with friends is like going to battle with my mind.
I struggle with keeping my anxiety at bay and feel immense pressure to think of the appropriate things to say at all the right times and it can be exhausting. Sometimes it is so mentally taxing that I isolate myself to avoid these interactions altogether.
But I know that deep down, like anyone else, I want to feel connected to others and have a place in society. And sometimes, I feel I make this more difficult for myself than it has to be.
I am a fortunate person in that I am largely accepted by most people I meet. I have a loving family, great friends, and a group of beautiful best friends. I am part of the incredibly welcoming community of SBU and have experienced the unconditional kindness of the HC chapter here.
So why do I put myself under so much pressure to make all the right decisions? Why do I struggle to spend time with people whom I love and whom I know love me? Why am I so afraid of saying the “wrong” thing and being rejected?
I think these questions and their answer can be found in a single quote: “Is it better to speak of to die?” If you have ever read the book or seen the movie “Call Me by Your Name,” then this is not the first time you have heard this question.
For me, this question is the center of my universe. It is the question that covers all my internal conflicts and lifelong social struggles.
Is it better to say what is truly on my mind or say what I think other people want me to say? Should I reach out or say nothing at all out of fear of rejection? Should I take a chance or stay where I know I am safe? Is being safe and unhappy better than being uncomfortable with the possibility of real happiness?
Although I find it terrifying, I actually think the answer is obvious. The risk is worth it. It is better to speak. I am going to die someday no matter what; it only makes sense to live while I have the chance.
If trying to be perfect is keeping me from spending time with others or from finding happiness myself, then I do not want to be perfect. I want to wear my heart on my sleeve, and I do not want to feel ashamed about it. I want to share who I am with others, lay my cards on the table, and say “Take me or leave me.”
I want to be so insanely myself that it inspires others to do the same and I am going to fight every day for this to become true. I do not want to be perfect; I want to be me.