Lost in My Own Head

Growing up was pretty difficult. I lived with a single mother who was still navigating adulthood without any guidance. We had bounced from shelter to shelter before finding a place to live and schooling that was close enough to the house. Work was hard to come by, and she had to find other means to support us. There were times, food was scarce, so we did what we had to do (take that however you please). 

School was never my mother’s strength, so I never got into it myself. I was enrolled of course, but I was never as smart as my peers, and I always acted out. Without any guidance, I became lost in the school system. 

I don’t blame my mother for my education. She couldn’t help even if she wanted to. Making sure I had clothes on my back, food, and a bed was at the top of her list.

As time went on, I began to struggle with self-acceptance. I often avoided looking at myself in the mirror, afraid that I won’t see the words smart, beautiful, funny, important scribbled in a pretty font above my head. Instead, I had my thoughts. The thoughts that told me I am worthless, not cared for, a fake person, a horrible person, a bad friend, a bad daughter and stupid. I found myself chanting the words every day in the morning until bed. It didn’t help that I surrounded myself with people who used words to bring me down (but had rare moments of lifting me up). I never bothered to talk to anyone in fear of what they had to say. Or maybe I just never wanted to hear their truth. 

In the most messed up way, I had found comfort in undermining myself and my capabilities (whatever that is). 

Being who I am now, I have been browsing the past few years of my high school life. I found that I have been changing, maybe not for the worst, but not for the best either. I notice I have a habit of changing a part of my identity, losing the decent qualities of myself while manifesting and gluing the indecent parts to my skin, wearing it like clothes. Uncomfortable tight clothing that shows all the flaws in God’s mistake. 

I never hated myself, just didn’t like myself. Never saw any good qualities: never smart enough, never funny enough, never worthy to talk to, never worthy to be anything or do anything.

I only do what I have to not because I want to. 

Attempting to change my views proved myself to be feeble. Acceptance has been easier. But that doesn’t mean I still don’t try. 

Coming from a rough background and thinking little of yourself, I found it is part of life. For everyone who has been experiencing what I’ve been, just know it is okay.

I had recently learned to seek help. Not just with a counselor, but in people, I found I can trust: my family, friends, advisors and even my professors. 

If looking at yourself in a new light has been difficult, leaning on others can prove to be helpful. People may not always know what to say, but they do say what they mean out of care, and the truth of how they see us.

Leaning on others is okay. We don’t have to go through everything alone.

• confused
• family
• friends
• growth.
• hc
• mental health
• self-doubt