Much like plants, relationships need different elements to grow. While plants need sun, water, and soil, relationships need…well it can be a little more complicated.
Societal norms and unhealthy familial patterns will lead us to disregard our own needs in order to “keep the peace”, avoid emotional intimacy, and prevent us from entering uncharted territory.
Until we recognize what our needs are and how to communicate them, complacency will overshadow growth.
I have spent most of my life carrying the weight of other people’s emotions on my back. My relationships reflected this pattern.
I would try to fix boyfriends and friends, ignore boundaries, and be everything for everyone. These practices were not healthy and quite honestly not my responsibility.
Realizing that I can not carry the weight of others made me evaluate the trajectory of my relationships. If they continued in the direction they were going, there would not be much left for me to give.
Since this recent revelation, I have been working on evaluating what I need from the different relationships in my life and how to effectively express them.
First, I have to be introspective and ask “What do I need?”. Different people need different things but generally, we all need support, affection, validation, acceptance, connection, space, and autonomy. These things may come from different people in your life.
I think it is important to evaluate what you need when you are going through a hard time. That may be an ear to vent to, a shoulder to cry on, a hug, a trip to get ice cream, or a silly distraction. Being able to communicate these things will help people know how to help you and also aid in emotional regulation.
To encourage growth it is important to check in with your relationships to ask each party what they need. It is important to bring these things up in a non-accusatory way that highlights what they have not been doing.
That does not mean you should not be firm and direct. If you know what you need in a relationship, you express it, and if they do not take it into consideration it may be time to reevaluate the relationship.
After communicating, each person in the relationship can implement practical steps to work on the needs that have to be met.
For example, I may ask my long-distance boyfriend if we can set up specific times to call each week so we can spend quality time with each other.
We may put reminders on our phones and clear our schedules to ensure that we are checking in on each other.
With all of this being said, no one person can fulfill all of your needs and it is not their responsibility to do so. A lot of needs are fulfilled from external sources like hobbies, spirituality, and vocation. Others are fulfilled internally through our own healing journeys.