Friendships can be tricky. As I get older, I find the dynamics of friendships are not as simple as they once were when I was growing up. We are all on our own paths and have our own lives, no matter how intertwined they might be; this can make it difficult to maintain healthy friendships.
It is easy for people to grow apart or stay just as close, but, in a way, that harms them more than it helps them. When you are bonded with someone, it can be tough to know when your relationship is becoming unhealthy and what the right thing to do about it is.
Recently, I have noticed that if a relationship with someone I love becomes unhealthy, I transform into somewhat of a doormat and let them do whatever they want just to keep them in my life. This is not something I would recommend.
To protect my sanity, I had to become aware of certain signs in my relationships that show me that someone may not be the best for me to keep around. I always thought friends were meant to stay in my life forever unless they demonstrated some big betrayal or we had some life-changing argument. However, friendship as an adult is more complicated than that.
Sometimes, no one is the bad guy. Sometimes, a friendship has just run its course, and it just is not right for you anymore, and that is nothing to fear or feel guilty about. We are all products of our environments and are always changing; what worked a year ago might not work today.
So, how do you know when a friendship has become unhealthy, how do you fix it or how do you know if it is worth salvaging at all?
First, ask yourself how you feel when you are around this person. That may seem silly because if you did not like being around someone then you may think you would not befriend them at all, but that is not always the case. We can be bonded to people through past experiences, sheer familiarity or even trauma.
You can love someone a lot, but you must ask yourself if continuing to be around this person is making you love yourself less. If you feel drained, anxious, self-conscious or like you cannot be yourself around someone, then it could be time to step back.
Of course, you must first try some introspection and ask yourself if these feelings are coming from your internal struggles. Maybe you are feeling anxious in general and need some time alone. Or you are feeling insecure and being around this person just spikes your jealousy. If this is the case, that is okay, it happens! Just be self-aware and take time to find security in yourself or work through your issues.
However, if you are in a decent spot mentally and this person brings you down repeatedly with constant belittling comments or makes you question your value, that person does not deserve to be in your life.
If someone only talks about themselves or makes you feel like you must compete with them, that is not a friend. Pay close attention to the way they speak to you and the things they say. People often tell us exactly who they are, we just have to listen, and it will all become clear.
If someone acts differently around others compared to when it is just you two, that can be cause for concern. If someone simply has changed as a person and become someone you no longer feel you are understood by or you can understand, it may be time for a conversation.
If that friendship is really important to you, take a moment to have a heart-to-heart and let them know how you feel from a place of awareness and honesty without placing blame or pettiness. If that person tries to understand and work with you to fix the issues, that is a good sign, and you can work towards restrengthening your relationship.
Conversely, if they shut you down, victimize themselves, make you question your sanity or manipulate you by switching up and acting innocent, then you will know that this friendship is no longer for you.
It takes bravery and can be truly painful, but you must put yourself first and do what is best for you. If you set boundaries and they are not respected, that person is not the friend you think they are.
Whether this person bothers to understand where you are coming from or not, say your piece, protect your peace and respectfully say buh-bye! Friendship is meant to be sacred, safe and beautiful; if you no longer feel this way then let that person go, and share your heart with people who deserve it.