I found a pin in my mom’s childhood bedroom a few years back. It was a laminated paper cartoon of a woman running that said, “Running is a way of life.”Â
As someone who has been running for over 10 years, this resonated with me. So, I stuck the little sketch on my backpack at the start of my freshman year.
The pin fell off of my bag sometime last November.
A month earlier, in October, I was declared to have a laundry list of ailments that all pointed to one thing: I couldn’t run for a while. (They also pointed to the fact that I had a stress fracture, but this remained undiscovered.)
An important fact about me is that I am a horrible injured person. For weeks, I was in denial about this fact because none of these aches and pains were major on paper.
I got a sharp, shooting pain down my leg every time I took a step, but I had convinced myself that I would be back in action in two weeks tops.
The femoral stress fracture diagnosis came a month later, followed by 15 weeks on crutches. (It was supposed to be 6 weeks, but I refused to use them consistently as a stubborn act of defiance. Against who? I’m not quite sure!)
Thankfully, running was not the crux of my identity. I don’t feel satisfied when I’m only focused on one thing, so I had a lot of other hobbies and projects, but running was undeniably the most important.Â
A lot of my life is tied up in running: friendships, my relationship with my body, validation, and my mental health.
While I didn’t experience a major crisis of identity that most college athletes fear when they get injured, I definitely had some uncomfortable changes.
Less than a year ago, I would run nine-plus miles every Sunday, and it was the highlight of my week. Now, I take breaks walking up the stairs.
While I spent my time hibernating in my room and staying as immobile as possible, my friends spent their weekends at meets and afternoons bonding at practice.Â
This of course forced a question I had long wondered: Would we really be friends if we weren’t practicing together every day? Sometimes, that answer is no—even with some of my closest friends.Â
I felt invaluable to my team and coaches, going from possessing one of the few coveted “golden child cards” from my coaches to getting a full-blown silent treatment. Way to kick a girl down at her lowest!
Nevertheless, there is good in this injury too. I get to experience a slower life and have a proper college experience without worrying about getting up early for lift or Saturday morning workouts.
I also have more time to explore hobbies and other relationships. These past six months have been difficult, but they have also been a season of growth.Â
Have I grown to the point that I stop sabotaging my recovery? Absolutely not.Â
I am far from the poster child for injured athletes. My athletic trainers will be the first to tell you that.
Let’s keep this between us, but I refused to use my crutches, I’m lazy with my physical therapy, and I am pretty good at convincing myself that I am not in pain.
Maybe that’s indicative of my feelings about running. I don’t know but feel free to psychoanalyze that.
Regardless, I have come to a point where I can begin my recovery. After a four-month pause on all forms of exercise, I am starting from square one.
While I am excited to return to running, I am completely dreading it. I am terrified – terrified of getting reinjured or finding out that my bone has in fact not healed at all. I am terrified of failing.
Luckily, I have had a recent re-framing of my athletic pursuits: It’s not that serious.Â
Would it be great if I could get back to where I was fitness-wise? Yes, of course.
However, I’m trying to get back to the basics- listening to my body, enjoying the process and running because I love to run. Whatever comes from that will have to be okay.