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The opinions expressed in this article are the writer’s own and do not reflect the views of Her Campus.
This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at SBU chapter.

It is 3:07 a.m. on a Wednesday. I am lying in bed with my fairy lights on and phone in hand. For many, this would be a time to go to sleep. For me, this is a normal night where I am thinking to myself “I can still get 4 hours of sleep.” This is a cycle I have been stuck in for a while now. I have never been a good sleeper; falling asleep feels impossible. But I never thought of it as a big deal. Yes, it has negatively impacted my energy and mood. Yes, my body is tired. Yes, it is hard to focus. But I always thought that a few energy drinks and a positive mindset could override the consistent low sleep. It cannot.  

 I have heard repeatedly that sleep is everything but never took it to heart. I am the type of person that wants to do everything all at once. Because of that, it felt impossible to succeed if I was losing those hours sleeping. So, I consistently pushed myself to the limits. This summer, each day consisted of work, running, and balancing my social life. It kept me distracted for sure, but the issue is, I never set aside time for myself. These factors caused me to go into school feeling burnt out and defeated from the start. 

Two weeks ago, I hit my breaking point. I got off the bus going to my cross-country meet, chugged a Celsius, and began to prepare for my race (that was in one hour). As a runner of 10 years, I have had my fair share of running on low sleep and doing my best to get through it. Except this time, the lack of sleep and emotions took over. My body felt like it was failing; I felt weak and out of control of my thoughts and body. I felt no motivation to prepare for the race. And to top it off, I did not feel like a real person. When you are used to running on little to no sleep all the time, perceptions change, and emotions will eventually take over. And I cracked. As someone who does not like to show emotions, it was hard for me to accept the fact that my teams saw me crying. I somehow ended up running in the race…10 seconds after the gun went off.

I will leave it at this: not my best race, not my best moment. 

Insomnia can be undermined as a problem, at least for me. Do I have a solution to fix my sleep? No. But that does not mean I cannot change. Rather than trying to be a warrior and do it all at once, I am learning to take things one day at a time. I am learning coping strategies for my anxiety. I am learning to work on time management. And I am learning to focus on myself. Since my “breaking point,” I have contacted resources to help me, removed things that heighten my anxiety, and am working towards a better sleep schedule. Through this journey, I realized I cannot push aside my own mental and physical well-being. Insomnia has dimmed my light and every day I am working to get it back. Nothing is worth losing yourself.

Faith Caldwell is a junior at St. Bonaventure University and is from Buffalo, New York. She is a new Her Campus member this year who plans to write about anything from lifestyle to personal stories to pop culture. She has always had a passion for writing and is excited to be a part of the Her Campus team! Outside of Her Campus, Faith is a psychology major with a minor in public health. She is also a part of the cross country and track team here. Besides being a student-athlete, Faith is a part of the psychology club and the power yoga club here on campus. She is also working on research this semester with some other classmates! When Faith is not studying or practicing, she enjoys hanging out with her friends and engaging in hobbies she enjoys. Some hobbies include shopping, lifting, long drives, watching reality television, and coffee/food runs. Other interests are sports, nature, media, and comedy. Faith is also spontaneous and always down to explore somewhere.