Today is just another stressful day in the life of a Christian feminist. I had to sit through a painful 4 minutes and 29 seconds of a male pastor, John Gray, telling Christian women in his “He Who Finds a Wife” sermon, that if they struggle with finding a spouse then it must be something that they are not doing. To make matters worse, we have married women like singers, Ciara and Letoya Luckett (who may have been well-intentioned), giving their nod-of-approval to Gray’s sentiments in a “I just got married last week therefore I have all the answers” fashion. While everyone’s intentions may have been good here and I may even agree with the message to some degree, I cannot help but cringe at the misogynistic undertones that riddle Gray’s delivery. Here’s what I found wrong with his argument:
- The “Marriage is a Reward for Good Behavior” Argument
In the Christian community, we have an unhealthy obsession with grooming girls for that very unattainable “perfect Godly marriage”. We have mega-pastors like John Gray who study and specialize in appealing to women’s insecurities under the guise of single women’s conferences; and in these conferences, we tell women things like if they ‘get delivered from the spirit of girlfriend’ that ‘their husband will find them’ and that they need to ‘carry themselves like wives’ so that this hypothetical husband will put a ring on their finger. With this kind of teaching, people would think that if they are in church and doing all the right things on paper (i.e. on the praise team singing “Good Good Father” etc.) that marriage and whatever else they desire should come easily. So, Pastor Gray… rather than giving a fallacious argument telling women that they can not find a husband because they aren’t worthy, direct them to Matthew 6:33. ‘Seeking God’s Kingdom’ does not mean ‘seeking His Kingdom so I can find a husband’.
2. A wife…before Marriage?
Sorry, Pastor Gray, buuuut I’m not anybody’s wife until I’m married. That’s just me. Another unhealthy obsession Christians have is looking across the aisle at church and looking at everyone of the opposite sex as a potential husband or wife. It’s just not cute. So if anyone thinks they’re winning brownie points for ‘seeing me as their wife’ before they can even see my humanity as a fellow sister-in-Christ then that speaks to your character and thirstiness, and not to my ability to actually be a wife. In all honesty, what does this mean anyway – “when I meet you, you’re my wife”? While I agree that a ‘wife’ should be reflective of character, my good character does not automatically mean ‘wife’. This mentality is why so many women go above and beyond for men that are not their husbands because they either feel like or are being made to feel like they should prove themselves ‘worthy’ before becoming a wife. So what are the consequences of this? Women ended up giving ‘wife’ benefits to someone with no intention of making them a wife. So how can we, as a Church, tell single women to ‘carry themselves like wives’ and in the next breath, tell them that they shouldn’t be giving ‘wife’ benefits to someone they aren’t married to? Let’s be consistent.
3. The “You Wear Too Much Makeup” Argument
I think this one was my favorite, simply because it didn’t even have any Scriptural exegesis behind it; it was just good ole’ fashioned, male-Pastoral misogyny wrapped up in a box, tied with a bow, kissed and hand-delivered to single women in the congregation, who were in fact wearing makeup, weave, jewelry etc. I thought you said a ‘wife’ was the presence of character, Pastor Gray? I wasn’t aware that the reason good women aren’t married is because they wear too much Fenty Beauty (they just re-stocked, BTW!!) and have too many Malaysian bundles sewn in! So ladies, you may want to reconsider that Wet ‘n’ Wavy weave (besides the fact that it mats up in two days)! You just might end up single for the rest of your life!
4. It would be nice to see this same kind of accountability for men!
By no means am I saying that women should not be held accountable for what we do. We just spend so much of our time preaching to single women and helping them prepare to be “Proverbs 31” wives while Christian men, like most other men, get to float around in the outer-space of mediocrity and lukewarmness until they find their ‘good thing’ – the one who will bear the brunt of maintaining said “Godly marriage”. If you watch or have been to almost any Single Men’s Conference, they almost always teach men how to ‘discern’ wicked women from good ones; because of course, it was Eve who gave Adam the fruit! It was Delilah that cut Samson’s hair! It had nothing at all to do with Adam’s disobedience to God’s direct command nor Samson’s lust and weakness! I’m over it. There’s no inherent sin tied to being a woman, and it’s hurtful that we are automatically seen as seductresses who need all of these sermons telling us that we have to fall in line so we can be married. Instead, teach men to meet their wives halfway, not more so or less than. You can’t ‘wait for your Boaz’ if there’s no Boaz out here in the wilderness…Amen?
5. What if…Marriage is not for me?
For real though, what if there is no Boaz? What if God has actually called me to live a life of singleness? Should I just go to John Gray conferences and hear how I’m not good enough for the rest of my life? Nah. Seriously though…there are women in church dealing with the very real heartbreak of ‘waiting for their Boaz’, but he never came and he was never supposed to come. Instead of giving women false hope and security in thinking that Boaz on his way (but only if we ‘act right’!), how do we teach women to find their purpose outside of being a wife? I think the most critical part of Gray’s argument and so many others like it is that it teaches that loving God gives you things. It teaches you that, because you love God, you are entitled to blessings like money, prosperity, success, good opportunities, or a husband. These things are nice, but the reality is, loving God gives you the intangible: freedom, hope, and a promise of a new life. We need to start teaching our people to be ok with having just that. So if marriage is ultimately not for me, I’m good! I certainly don’t need John Gray to tell me otherwise.