As I am sure everyone can agree, navigating young adulthood is no simple task. There is a great deal of wonderful highs and just as many terrible lows. In traversing these years, I have found that I’ve attained many valuable lessons in life, love, loss, and everything in-between. In light of this, I’d love to share with you some of the most imperative lessons that I’ve learned, big and small, by twenty:
Intrapersonal
1. You do not have to fit into one box.
– Perhaps one of the most difficult struggles that I faced as a young teenager was that of sculpting my own identity. I wanted so badly to fit in with a particular group, friend, or interest that I negated the myriads of other ones I had nourished my entire life. For example, in seventh grade, I sought to be “the athlete;” I exclusively wore athletic clothing, consumed sports-based media, and learned all there was to know about the starting line-ups of the teams I had so carefully picked to win me the favor of my peers. In turn, I shunned any parts of myself that enjoyed the arts, femininity, and even reading, something of paramount influence and joy in my life. Although this “phase” ended, I followed the same habitual pattern; I continued to emulate what earned me the most favor amongst my peers. While this is a common experience of many adolescents, it felt deeply personal and original to me; I could not comprehend that anyone else was doing exactly what I was doing.
– Truly, it was not until relatively recently that I released my grip on a desire to fit in and to be “one thing.” However, let me tell you: it has been one of the best things I have ever done for myself. Rather than living in a constant state of anxiety (“Don’t be weird! Don’t say that, they’ll think that you’re odd! You can’t like that anymore!”), I now embrace my genuine interests, hobbies, and traits. Guess what? In doing so, I’ve met more likeminded people who I’ve connected with on a much deeper level than I ever had been able to when I was betraying my true self to fit in. So, my advice to you is don’t try to fit into one box, create your own, and don’t be afraid to constantly expand it.
2. Kindness & strength can co-exist.
– I’m unsure of when I acquired the idea that kindness is equated to being a doormat, but it used to be something I had internalized. That is not true. No matter what anyone may tell you, kindness is perhaps the strongest thing anyone may do. It takes strength to remain kind when our worlds are seemingly imploding. It takes strength to remain kind to others who have hurt us. Kindness does not mean a lack of boundaries and conviction; kindness is rooted in understanding, in your character. A good heart is a strength that should never be discouraged nor diminished, it is one of the most important traits to possess.
3. Joy is not found, it’s made.
– This is something that I learned at a very young age. Unfortunately, there was a great deal of stress in my home due to various factors, most prominently, my younger brother’s debilitating autoimmune illness. Growing up, I always found myself crafting joy for myself and those around me. While I know this may sound burdensome, that has never been the relationship I’ve had with it. It is true: if you want joy, you make it! Acknowledge and find beauty in the little things: the way the earth smells after rainfall, the bright hue of green that paints the forests in the summertime, birdsong, the aroma of coffee, how the sun feels on your skin, the melody of your favorite song. Dance! Laugh! Surround yourself with things and people that bring you genuine, unadulterated joy, and hold them tightly to you.
4. Find validation within yourself, not from others.
– Please!!! Just do what makes you happy! A constant dialogue of “hmm, but what would people think?” will cost you so much energy and time. I struggle with anxiety, so I understand this can be easier said than done, but please put forth as much effort as possible into authenticity, whether that comes in the form of finally validating your own emotions and experiences, what you want to pursue, what makes you happy, or all of the above. I encourage you to not seek external validation from those who don’t know you, understand you, or have not walked in your shoes.
5. Talk about your feelings.
– Whether it be to another trusted person, yourself, or via journaling, getting your feelings out helps. Take it from someone who would adamantly refuse to speak about anything she went through, talking helps, you are not a burden for doing so, and the relief you feel afterwards is lovely.
Relationships
6. You should never have to conceal how deeply you feel.
– If you are, authentically, a passionate, deep-feeling person like me, please do not change this. Who you are truly meant to be with will adore you as you are, including the depth of your emotions. Never attempt to quiet how much you care or play the feeble dating games to attain the attention or heart of someone who will not appreciate or hold you with care. You deserve gentleness, compassion, and a genuine love.
7. Choose a partner that inspires you.
– This can take many forms! Whether it be inspiring you to become a better person, learn something new, reach for your wildest dreams, or even get in-tune with a side of yourself you did not know or forgot that you had. If you’re aiming for a long-term relationship especially, this is who you will be traversing life with: ensure that you are always growing both independently and together.
8. Do not confuse infatuation with love.
– I cannot stress enough how crucial it is to take your time. It is incredibly easy to get caught up in the excitement of a new relationship, but take care to remind yourself that infatuation is not love. Love is calm, safe, and comes with time and patience; it forms slowly throughout the course of knowing someone as intricately as you can. While infatuation is a lovely experience, please save yourself a great deal of heartache and do not confuse it with love.
9. Love should fulfill you, not drain you.
– While, of course, relationships have disagreements, love should never leave you consistently drained. We are in control of who we choose to be with; ensure that they are someone who supports, loves, and fulfills you. Relationships are something that we have control over, and while I know it is incredibly difficult to make the choice to end one, you must do so when it becomes unhealthy. Feeling like you must become someone you are not, fighting constantly, or even feeling a consistent strain, are not normal.
10. To be loved is to be considered.
– Goodness, I’ve wasted so much time in relationships where partners were completely unaware of my eye color, let alone anything of remote importance about me. Please do not make my same mistake. A true, authentic love will pay attention to all your details, big and small; one day, someone will hold your heart like it is the most important thing, because it will be. In turn, they will naturally take you into consideration. Someone will get you your favorite flower when you’ve had a tough week, read with you when you need a break, and do all that they can to ensure you are loved and comfortable. Wait for it, and do not force it with someone disinterested in providing you with what you deserve. :)
Misc.
11. The love, patience, and understanding you so easily offer others? You deserve it, too.
– I know how difficult it can be to accept and believe that you deserve the same love that you enshroud others with. However, you do! This begins, though, with the relationship that you have with yourself. Treat yourself kindly and with grace, patience, and forgiveness. You, alone, are your home, the only truly consistency promised in your lifetime. From there, you may begin to accept the love that you not only give to others, but to yourself.
12. Have hobbies!
– Hobbies help to nourish your soul in the best way! I cannot recommend enough dabbling in as many things as you can: art, reading, writing, music, hiking, anything. It not only makes you more well-rounded but allows you to explore different parts of yourself and connect with others because of them.
13. Perception is absolutely everything.
– This may be my favorite lesson, and perhaps the most valuable, as it can seep into so many aspects of your life. Perception guides everything: how you cope with failure, loss, heartache, annoyances. You are in control of your mind and how you interpret your reality. If the world is nothing but cruelty, injustice, and unfairness, it will be. If, however, you can acknowledge that it also love, light, selflessness, and tenderness, it will be. Objectively, both the good and the bad often co-exist, just be careful which it is that you highlight in your mind.
14. Life becomes more enjoyable when you embrace change rather than fight against it.
– As we approach the ages that inevitably come with immense change, this is a lesson that I am still endeavoring to fully understand and integrate into practice. Another lesson that can apply to many facets of life, embracing change is something we must attempt to master. Change is unavoidable; it is essential to growth and opportunity, but it can undoubtedly be terrifying. My best piece of advice is to work through the negative emotions that accompany it, process and identify what they are, and continue to be strong in whatever the change is.
15. You are lovely just the way you are.
– I know how deeply tempting it can be to change certain parts of ourselves that we may deem unlovable, “too much,” or “not enough.” While I think growth is a beautiful thing, something that took me a very, very, very long time to learn is that even if you have high ambitions and expectations for yourself, you are still wonderful as you are now. You do not have to be perfect to deserve respect and love. Your oddities, quirks, and weirdness make you, you; never change that for anyone!
16. Let each situation be what it is, rather than what you think it should be, and then make the best of it.
– Relating quite closely to lesson #13, letting the predicaments we find ourselves in be what they are is profoundly important. Do not try to make excuses for others, waste too much time wishing things were different, or giving up because the feat just seems too difficult. What happened, happened, there is no changing it. The only thing that we have power over is our response.
17. Love is never wasted.
– There’s a lovely C.S. Lewis quote that reads: “Love is not wasted, for its value never depended upon reciprocity.” It is a sentiment that I’ve carried with me throughout heartbreak and loss ever since I heard it somewhere around the age of fourteen, and it is so true. Love, innately, is genuine and personal. It is something that cannot be quantified or measured by anyone aside from you and giving it in any capacity reflects your heart. Even if it is not met with reciprocity, it was never wasted. Continue to love, always.
18. Listen to your intuition.
– Goodness, this one can hurt. When your gut is informing you of something, nine times out of ten, it is correct. Whether it takes the form of positive or negative prospects, your intuition is a gift; do not ignore it. If you feel it in your bones that you are meant for a greater purpose, to serve and help others, for instance, pursue it! If you know it in your heart that someone is lying to you, you should believe that feeling.
19. Sometimes, the quieter you become, the more you can hear.
– As a little girl who loved nothing more than to “yap” with any and everyone, this was certainly a lesson I learned slowly, over time. I adore making people feel loved, at ease, comfortable, and happy; oftentimes, my instinct to achieve this is through conversation. However, I have found that sometimes the very best thing that you can do is to remain silent. Not only when listening to someone speak, of course, but in many scenarios. Do you ever notice how much more that you can learn about people, in general, when you quietly people-watch in a café? Or how much more appreciative you become of the world when surrounded by nothing but the sounds of the wilderness? Sometimes there is nothing I love and appreciate more than peace and quiet; it is where we can become more acquainted with out thoughts, emotions, and perceptions, as well as become more acutely aware of those of others.
20. Finally, use your experiences to fuel growth, not to build walls.
– It is so easy to hide ourselves behind fear, shame, and regret, but we must be careful to lead with self-forgiveness and grace. When bad things happen to us, we will become better people if we utilize them to guide us towards a path of healing. Your poor experiences do not define you, do not let them. Use them! They are a gift, in a way. Some of the most immensely difficult things I have ever had to experience led me to becoming the person that I am today. Misfortune can break you; let it also resculpt you, for the better.
Thank you for taking the time to read my little lessons. I hope that you may carry some of them with you. Please remember to let love and joy guide you as much as you can, you deserve it.
With love,
Alaina